ardent bullshit comes down every faultline gushing heavily into jest kindly luscious melons nodding openly post quakes resting still to undermind various wonderous xylophones yawning zealously

Tuesday, January 05, 2016


With "the holidays" behind us and the East Coast finally receiving some typical winter weather, I'm taking full advantage of no classes and Hulu/Netflix. The Mindy Project, Happy Endings, re-watching Gossip Girl...between tv, the cats, and delivery, I'm finding little reason to leave my apartment. It's nice for a couple days. Running, working, and snuggling in.  But soon this would get really old.

What a bizarre feeling living on lower Manhattan and not really being around people. There are people everywhere! Yet, I have successfully avoided having a conversation longer than 3 minutes with someone in person since Sunday evening. Sometimes I just need a break.

First semester of the MA program is completed and I feel pretty confident about it all. I'm beginning training as a counselor next semester and hashing out plans for a small research project. I've gotten a chance to edit a colleague's dissertation chapters...which I love doing. Participating as an editor at the school psychology bulletin. Now that I take a step back, I realize just how many great opportunities I've had in such a short time. How much I've done in the past few months.

Even working from afar is positive and busy. We signed a large contract with industry, which affords me another couple years of job security. The grant is turning from a huge project into an enormous project.

Earlier today a friend asked about selling out. I wrote back some long goofy, inflated email about illusions or something. But it did kind of put a bug in my ear. At this point I feel like in some sense (other than a very few) we have sold out. I'm reading an autobiography about a swami right now. He has not sold out. But I certainly know that I have. I've compromised my values for selfish motives. Some very clear at the time, some less so. But when I'm honest, almost all of my actions are somehow selfishly motivated. To get attention, to hear someone's voice, in search for security. The latter directly most of my actions. This inexhaustible search for security. Being honest with myself about it has made the search so much easier lately. Or rather ending the search. Knowing is half the battle, right?

Anyway, at the New Year's party I went to we talked a little about resolutions and what we do in the beginning of the year. It's been a long time since I made actual resolutions. A couple years ago I found resolutions I made for 1998 in an old diary. I was 18 at the time. A freshman at Colorado State University and in a lot of psychic pain. The resolutions were so linear, black and white, just a set up to fail. And they did. At the time I couldn't understand what a real resolution is or how to set reasonable goals. Pretty sure that is typical 18 year old behavior.

A couple years ago I made a new soup every week. Last year took a trip at least once a month. This year I'm running. A couple half marathons in the spring and a the full NYC marathon in the fall. We'll see how it goes. On Saturday morning I put on the Kamasi Washington album, Epic, from last year, and ran 10 miles, over the Williamsburg Bridge, up through Brooklyn, peaking into Queens, over the Queensboro Bridge, and down First Avenue. Both the music and jog set the stage for a wonderful calendar year.

Now rather than altering problem behavior, I make new goals for the 12 months ahead. If they need to be changed as I go along, then fine. But it is much more fruitful to strive for self esteem by taking esteemable action.

Here's to 2016.

Friday, November 27, 2015

Everything Midnight

I just ate a really good turkey meatball while listening to an Eating & Feeding Disorders lecture. Last night I took myself out on a date to Lafayette for their Thanksgiving prix fixe, spending three hours grazing, reading Man's Search for Meaning. I feel a whole lot of contradiction in my life right now.

But not.

Instead of napping and taking it easy, I'm trying to get a bunch of work done before heading out for the night. Because this morning I had nothing to do tonight (no complaints) and now have plans. Glorious, wholesome plans.

Payton and I are going to a midnight screening of Casablanca at The Sunshine. Life is just so good. The cats and I are very happy on Manhattan. For a couple months it was a little lonely but that quickly lifted after school started. I love my classes this semester and have made a home for myself in a lab.

In about a month I begin yoga teacher training (eye roll) and have started to very slowly train for next year's NYC marathon in November (double eye roll).

Some days I miss Brookline a lot. Miss seeing people I know on the street. But that happens here, too. Not as frequently, but it happens. But most things are the same here as they were there, except here I can get a lot more delicious food at later hours. This makes me very happy.

Physics John got married last weekend and it was just beautiful. Being with old friends, laughing, dancing, smiling, sharing our adventures over the past years. And bringing a new friend into our group.

It's good to be here.

Wednesday, August 12, 2015

(extra)Ordinary People

For as long as I can remember I have met certain people and it was like boom you are going to know one another on some level as long as you exist and then we do. These experiences and the people who come along with them are my most treasured gifts. Some friends are older and some are newer. All are unique and brilliant people; my eyes widen and whole being lightens around them.

About a month or so ago I met Zach at a party, and we immediately gravitated toward one another. And through him I met Payton. The apprehension of transitioning into an enormous city, honestly somewhat scared of "getting lost", melted when I met these two guys. It's like we've known one another our whole lives. We go to the movies and laugh and spend time walking around, running over NYC bridges, and just generally enjoying each another's company. We send one another messages at the same time, as if by some shared internal alarm. It is so comforting feeling a part of.

Switching gears.

Tonight during my swim the sky looked simply brilliant. Strong, linear sun rays peeking out of marshmallow clouds, smaller cotton candy clouds seemingly standing still in a blue sky. How the light reflected of the little ripples in the pool. Getting all wrapped up in life stuff and the narrative that writes itself in my mind, is essentially just being human. Witnessing such raw beauty in specific, calm moments, though, reminds me that there is so much depth in our existence.

Tuesday, July 21, 2015

Pull, kick, breathe.

There is an outdoor, public pool about a block from my apartment. It is an old pool, with a pool house (or at least the large stone structure was at one point; for what it is used now, I have no clue) on the west end of the pools. During the days the pool is open to kids and adults and whoever just wants to cool off. At 7 o'clock on the weeknights the parks department limits pool-goers to adult lap swimming. The lanes run east/west. Tonight I swam freestyle lengths going eastward and breaststroke lengths going westward for about 40 minutes and watched as the sun set behind the building.

Precious Moments.

Having not yet joined a gym here, exercise has mainly consisted of outdoor running, dance classes, and now swimming. I could go on like this forever but weather will not allow it and I do like access to a steam room and sauna in the winter. It'd been a few years since consistently swimming (about 6 to be precise) for exercise and I am happy to say that it's just like riding a bike. But in a pool. With measured breathing.

Sunday, July 19, 2015

Sunday Mornings on the Lower East Side

After deciding that I would go to school on Manhattan I investigated NYC neighborhoods to help determine where I wanted to live. Whether or not I could afford to live there was not really a consideration yet, and certainly affected my overall decision. But as a "feeling" sort of person, a neighborhood's qualitative characteristics hold decent weight for me. Also, anywhere on Manhattan is just plain expensive and I'd already experienced the money freak out. I visited a few different areas over the course of one weekend and found them all okay, with positive aspects but nothing that blew my mind. 

The first Sunday in April I rode the J train from Brooklyn, over the Williamsburg Bridge, to the Essex stop and walked Norfolk up to Houston, with the intent of getting bagels, lox, and all else that goes with that for Easter brunch with my family. Bringing bagels to the cousins' has become a delightful tradition. 

Sunday mornings on LES are quiet, lazy, and wholesome. People sit on their front steps with coffee and say hello. It feels like the entire neighborhood is stretching and yawning itself awake, stealing some quiet time. It feels peaceful. It feels like home. 

This morning Payton and I met in the middle of and ran back and forth over the Williamsburg Bridge a few times, gabbing and laughing, staring at the Midtown skyline in awe of where we live. I still feel challenged by the newness of my (lack of?) routine here but little by little the things I enjoy are being repeated. And experiences I'd prefer not prioritize are just being set aside. 

Wednesday, July 15, 2015

Honest Conversation About Humanity

It's been two weeks since I left Brookline. And about two weeks of moving, physically and emotionally. Not from anything but rather toward people and places; this is still foreign for me. To list the experiences I have had over the course of 14 days could not begin to allow the weight and credit these opportunities deserve. Nor could it describe just how healthily drained I feel as a result.

Yesterday morning I got back from Georgia, early, and pushed myself to work through the day. So I, with purpose, slept past my alarm this morning. And now it is raining. Which really just makes for a good excuse to lay low and refill and eat some food I make at home.

Wednesday, July 01, 2015


Today is my second day living on Manhattan. Around 7:30 tonight, while in the West Village, I ran into a woman I met on a rain forest tour in Puerto Rico. Pete and I were hanging out and I saw someone who looks like her so I said "hey Carrie!" and she turned around and it was her. So we had dinner and gibber-gabbered away for a few hours, enjoying each others' company. 

This island is magical.