ardent bullshit comes down every faultline gushing heavily into jest kindly luscious melons nodding openly post quakes resting still to undermind various wonderous xylophones yawning zealously

Monday, February 20, 2017

More light

You know when you stay up late on Sunday night because you don't want the weekend to end? Despite the cold and overall disgusting winter weather, these past couple weeks have left me with this general upward trend feeling. I am still buried in work with no end in sight. And do not know where I will be living July 1. And have no idea how I will pull off this semester. But have this bizarre lightness. Maybe it was Texas Mandy's visit last weekend. Maybe it has been weekends of just locking myself in and working on fun work. Maybe it has been recent social plans that leave me with a feeling of more, rather than depleted, energy.

Who knows. But I will take it.

Monday, January 30, 2017

I know.

2017. Bloop. What a mess.

This evening I turn in my application to The New School.

Last week I got a rejection letter from Wayne State. Not that I was all amped to move to Detroit. But. That instills the fear. What if I don't get in anywhere? (answer: then you will not continue on for a PhD this year at any of the places applied) What will I do with my life? (answer: live and be awesome, move to Mexico, who fucking knows, doesn't matter) Not completely dissimilar to dating someone you don't really like and they end it before you. Relief that it is done but then my Type A ego kicks in like "wait YOOOUUUU didn't want MEEEEEE?"

Good grief.

The past couple/few days I have had some longing for Christmas break and driving around southern Mexico, windows down, big ol sunglasses on, singing loudly. It is cold. And mostly cloudy. And I keep making plans with people despite knowing that all of winter I don't want to leave my home. The cats are pleased with this. And I feel like I am really getting my money's worth of Hulu.

Sunday, December 04, 2016

C is for Cookie

There is about 3/4 of a bowl of chocolate chip cookie dough sitting across from me right now, just waiting to be eaten. All ready to go, spoon in it and everything. I have been picking at it while I read and write and do all these glorious Sunday things that involve not leaving my apartment and talking to the cats all day, catching up on the past week's podcasts.

Yesterday afternoon I went to the local grocery market thing I visit for some afternoon snacks (stuff for a smoothie and other well-intended purchases) and noticed (because while I DID pick up stuff for a delightful kale treat I had run a 10k in the morning and went to rehearsal for a bit in the afternoon so I should probably eat more than just kale, right?) they were completely out of the frozen cookie dough I buy there and chunk off in little bits. Sometimes I cook it. Most of the time I just let the dough balls sit out on the counter for about 4 minutes. Just long enough to be a teensy squishy with solid chips.

Upon learning of frozen cookie dough absence, I immediately told Mitch that this was unacceptable and out of hunger and spite I was going home to make dough. He sent back words of encouragement about cookies tasting better with some anger or something. But when I got home I realized I had only one egg left. Well, one egg does not a batch of cookie dough make. You need two. Why do I only have ONE egg? What happened to the other eggs I hadn't eaten?

Then I remembered.

Last week I was up in Montreal, sitting by a pool and walking around the art museums and stomping through the snow behind the Mont Royal lookout and writing and reading and speaking what little French I know.

The drunken Irish housesitter ate them.

And a few hours later, after a Chinese bodywork session and some reading and writing, I went back to the store and purchased missing ingredients. And mac & cheese. So here I was, kind of skipping down Houston, groceries in hand, thinking "wow. wow wow wow wow wow". This is life right now. This is life on Manhattan. I do not know what I did to deserve it but I will take it and enjoy the shit out of it while it lasts.

Wednesday, November 02, 2016

Body Magic

My fibula. It healed. One bone. No more little line going through the bottom of it on an x-ray.

What a relief.

So I am jogging again. A little teensy bit. Today I did my second 5k, up and over the Williamsburg Bridge into Brooklyn and back. It feels so good. Physically and mentally. It had gotten pretty dark there in my head for a while. I couldn't stop crying some days. Other days I just didn't want to be awake anymore. I can also meditate again and have been for a few weeks. It had gotten too uncomfortable to even do that. Little things like flowers from Mandy and fist bumps from stranger helped with a little bit of hope. Going to London for a few days to really wring my brain out helped, too.

Onward and upward. This weekend is the marathon in NYC and this year I will just get to be an observer and cheer on some folks. Next year I will run it with my strong little bone.

Thursday, September 29, 2016

Hems & Minks

The cats have new nicknames. To add to their millions of names (none of which they respond to because they are cats). Henri (Matisse) and Georges (Seurat) have morphed into Henry Bear and Georgie Monkey. And then Hemry and Minkey Boodle. And Hems and Minks.

We sit and chat. I talk at them mostly. They stare blankly at me, likely not thinking much at all because cats are do not have big brains or the cognitive ability to construct sentences. But sometimes they meow at me.

Anyway. On the way to the pool today, I saw a cat on a leash. And thought it would be so much fun to take the cats out with me but they want nothing of it. I tried, in earnest, when I lived in Brookline.

So I'm back in the pool (just pulling, no legs) and started PT. And in a couple weeks I'm back up in Brookline for a few days following some pretty hectic work and school time. We have a JnJ meeting on Friday and the project I've been working on (MA thesis) will get a little poster in Worcester. This is the first of my own research I'll get to present. I wrote the IRB on the couch of The Bertram Inn. And I'll get to return there to stay in a couple weeks while I work on another paper and some applications between meetings. It's one of my favorite places, that couch. Right in front of the fire, with the papers and low lights and jazz in the evening. Can't help but really relax into the moment in that space.

Monday, September 26, 2016


Is almost over. Kind of like a flash. Wonder what October will bring. Probably a lot of the same.

My leg still hurts but is on the mend. Tomorrow I'll get back in the pool and start PT. It feels really good to be able to walk around again but I am still getting really tired all of a sudden. Like okay...then at night super tired and I crash. The constant fear of fucking it up has also left. Not sleeping through the night was wearing thin.

And it is Autumn, arguably my favorite season. The sky is blue and the air is crisp. If I close my eyes I feel like I smell new pencils and bonfires. I'll be up in New England at least once next month, likely twice, for work and then back in December. You know, to enjoy that area during its best season. It feels really nice to ground here, too. Be on Manhattan for a few weeks. Clean up the garden before it closes down for the season. Make my little winter nest.

Monday, August 08, 2016

What No One Tells You...

...or maybe I was just wasn't listening?

So I broke my fibula. Jogging on a trail up in The Berkshires, a rock, gravity, physics, biology, snap. It's just the little bottom part of it, or so says the x-ray. It hurt pretty bad when it happened. I'm hobbling around pretty well, though, at this point.  Only leaving my apartment a couple times per day. This is weird and I don't really like it. But there are no time machines so I better get used to the situation.  Which involves a lot of thinking.  About a lot of stuff.  Stuff it doesn't seem anyone told me about.  In Cog Psych last semester we learned about how little we remember correctly.  Which really just means that while I swear the following were never told to me, that is likely untrue.

1. The first week or so after breaking a bone is very tiring. I was exhausted all the time. Get up and do something, tired, nap, do something else, tired, nap, repeat. It is 4:38 pm right now and I have been up since 6:30 with no nap.  If I were a betting lady (which I am not but who knows what the future will bring) I would put money on my head hitting the pillow by 10 pm and me snoozing away the rest of the night.

2. Massage heals everything. I just got back from a massage (some of which consisted of saying "no please stay away from all of the boot"...the dude was cool with it) and I will say that my ankle feels awesome right now.  Increased circulation may be the key here.

3. There is no substitute for running in treatment for depression. People suggest other activities but they are not the same.  There is not the same release of endorphines or the incredible feeling of really sweating and trotting with a cadence and matching up your breath. But the more I accept, the more smoothly the healing process will go.

So off to rest I go.  Or rather, I'll just sit here for a while longer.  And think.