ardent bullshit comes down every faultline gushing heavily into jest kindly luscious melons nodding openly post quakes resting still to undermind various wonderous xylophones yawning zealously

Monday, February 28, 2005

My apartment didn't explode but my head just might

Although the package I picked up wasn't physically ticking, an emotional bomb went off upon opening it. Already irritated that I had to truck over the ever-so-non-pleasant post office, I tore open the close to weightless package to find my old copy of East of Eden, tee shirt, shorts, every letter I'd ever written P & a short letter he just wrote me before leaving the parking lot. Despite some serious sinus pain from an infection I'd picked up, I went to Modern to clear my head, for non-physical reasons. Sure helped in opening up some blocked passages since I walked into my apartment, picked up his letter, read it again & cried & got angry & hurt & lonely & sad & finally back to numb for the remainder of the night. Sigh. Hopefully, this week will turn out better.
But that's up to me. I have 2 choices: continue to feel sad and angry or get those emotions out & remember that I have ultimate control over how I chose to live my life. The words thrown around 2 weeks ago & then on Saturday were intended to hurt me & they did. I can dwell on them or I can realize that's only one person's perspective & that perspective was the reason things didn't work out in the first place. I guess this just might be the push that I needed to finally move on.

Friday, February 25, 2005

Another first, yet omigod, dave's gonna work at kiddyland

Finally able to ramble in my element, I'm a little buzzed. Okay, judging the typing that's occurred, drunk. This is the first official semi-drunk post (see: totally drunk post will include many more spelling & grammar errors). Chicago got lightly dusted today & I got hit today with a nameless package delivery to my mailbox. Damn USPS doesn't drop stuff off without a signature. So I'm (a sot, no!) forced to wait until tomorrow morning to pick up this package, from whom (have a clue?), however, I will definitely check to see if there is a fuse or ticking sound coming from it. Granted, I wouldn't assume P's final parting & mine was violent, however political pull has its advantages. Whatever, I'll wake early in the morn (we'll see) to figure out this possibly horrid misteries.
Dave (the neighbor) currently spouts off names which I've heard before but can't place, seeing as I have no fucking clue as to who these people are. "That beer tastes so horrible. It spread out into the interiors of my mouth"- Dave. I call total bullshit on that seeing as that I'm not only partial to beer (in general) but that Bell's could produce such crap. Hops, he says, makes them taste bad. Again, I'm a fan of this variety (as I quite easily suck these down, knowing that I have a full day of work ahead of me & a bon voyage party), this only offends to the lowest standard. Whatever.
I'm officially over it with candy-cigarettes offered & another beer is beckoning my attention. Shit yeah, Pixie Sticks for the offering, I gotta go to indulge in all that I probably shouldn't. Much love & lots o' sugar! Shit yeah. Drunk, drunk, drunk, work's gonna suck tomorrow.

Wednesday, February 23, 2005


Thanks, Sun God/dess! Cold but sunny day in Chicago popped my ass right out of bed to find that I can barely walk from the ballet class I took last night, hobbled to work, smiled the whole way & soaked in a little bit of Vitamin D. What a great (however, mildly painful) start to a day.

Tuesday, February 22, 2005

Private Invitations

Here's another quandry. How are so many people starved for sex when I have "lonely housewives with asshole husbands" & "sexy sluts" making dates with me via email without my knowledge? At least 10x/day I receive an email "confirming my date with (insert name, height, weight & brief physical description)". Technically, they aren't emailing me, as these are forwarded from the people who had this position before me, which by default come to me. At first it was kinda funny & shocking. Now it's just plain annoying. (omigod! why would anyone allow someone else to take a picture of their "o" face & then to top it off, spread it around the internet?) This shit is popping up on my work email everyday.
On the brighter side of the day (since this morning brought another crappy, cloudy onset), I've secured tickets for Apostle of Hussle & Stars on March 12. I hadn't heard anything by Stars but the Arts & Crafts Label website offers up the whole of their latest release. Sounded pretty damn good. That & I'd like to see A of H again. Can't go wrong for $10.
Okay, gotta go dance with pointed feet.

Dear Weather Deity...

Realizing the geographic area, unsunny & chillier weather is native during this time of year. May I ask for a favor, though? Could you make it sunny one weekday morning a week so I'm not dreading rolling out of bed 5 days/week?
Thanks, emily

On another note, this past weekend proved completely unproductive but much needed. As this upcoming weekend will more than likely turn out the exact opposite. All good stuff to do, though.

Friday, February 18, 2005

It's official...

...accents are f-ing hot. Despite previous inner debate about this, I've succomb to shallowness & feel that certain (particularly british) accents make the average person hotter.

I know, I know, probably a bit behind the times but I found this great website that offers up daily Bushisms! What a great way to start out the day, laughing at our #1 monkey man.
In other news, I've decided to take off for the weekend. Nothing spectacular, just me, a book & a lot of tea in a cozy home up in Michigan.

Wednesday, February 16, 2005

Take on Jesus, etc.

Time again for an offering of my own perspective or a metaphorical take on a pop (okay, okay sub-pop, but I've gotten into this discussion with several people before & it just seems pointless when the topic is Wilco, especially when it's with a devout Wilco/Jeff Tweedy fan with which I'm speaking). To begin, I like this song, I really like the whole disc as it has stayed in my "car music" book for over 2 years now. Many comments that I've heard regarding this song relate it to how Wilco wrote it as a response to the Twin Towers/9-11 tragedy, which can be doubtlessly proved wrong, considering the original release of Yankee Hotel Foxtrot (still need to find a copy of I am Trying to Break Your Heart & watch it, I guess the title of the rockumentary has hit a little too close to home in the last 6 months) came out before 9-11 if memory serves me correctly. Not that I'm saying that the relation of that terrible event & the song do not have surface metaphors. I just find it difficult to relate a song to something else I haven't witnessed personally (but I guess that's where imagination comes in).
Anyhow, I just heard the song on & it reminded me that a few weeks ago late in the evening I pulled out Porch Mix '03. Jesus, etc. is the second to last song on this mix. So I sat & thought about it, a few years after originally hearing & liking the song, finding that I felt a strikingly new reaction to the story, for current lack of a better word, this song portrays. Tweedy seems to be singing to a friend going through a tough time. The welcoming & calming demeaner of his voice emits a sympathetic & accepting tone towards who he's singing, offering his own strength to help out his friend. Although egocentricism a difficult, and quite offensive to some topic, the general grasp of our own lives lies in what we see out of our own eyes. Closing my eyes, a picture was painted of two friends, one feeling helpless & lost in a midst of unhappy feelings & events, twirling around & uncontrolled by him. The other, reaching out to let the first that it's all gonna be okay & that he loves him. One of the true beauties of a friendship, support & comfort through the tough times. Between myself and close friends the last couple weeks has brought death, heartbreak, loss of personal security, new beginnings, reopened doors & finally closed doors. Guess I just needed to reflect on more tangible matter today. Thanks Mr. Tweedy.
Snap. Now that I'm awake I have a grant submission today. At least during the times I wait that I can get this shit off my chest. In closing, I had a dream about speed dating last night & a dream about the high school fucking prom the night before. Throwing a real big WTF shoutout to that one.

Tuesday, February 15, 2005

Finality of Annual Anticlimax...

...more commonly known as the holidays. And although Valentine's rings in for me as the most pointless of them all, there remains a microscopic hope that maybe one year I'll come home to a bouquet of my favorite flower from someone in which I'm interested as well. I guess part of that is that they'd either guess right on the flowers or listen to what I say, as I very regularly drop the genus' name in conversation. However, why should it take a certain day, originally dedicated to a Roman martyr & eventually monopolized by Hallmark & FTD, to tell someone that you love them? In all of the relationships in the past which I loved someone romantically (and even in my non-romantic relationships), I've tried to make a point to tell that person how much they positively impact my life & engage in spontaneous acts of thoughtfulness on a regular basis. Perfect girlfriend, far from it. I just figure that I appreciate someone displaying an heart-felt "I love you" & it just might make their day, too. In my 25.61 years on the planet I've hit some really lonely times. Within these times I've learned that company is a nice band-aid but a fulfillingness within myself goes a lot farther. Many times others' sincere emotions towards my soul helps out quite a bit more than a shallow physical presence (note: not all physical presence is shallow). But I guess everyone has their own way. The trick is to figuring out what works for you.
And down to the real issue. P called last night. He was set free yesterday afternoon, which takes a bit of worry off of these shoulders. Unfortunately, the thunderclouds, lightening & very cold, hard rain rolled in after an half an hour of lighter conversation. I think this was the first time I actually almost hung up on someone (other than my father when he told me he was getting married) instead of letting them get off of their chest what they needed to. The bottom line remains that our relationship is over & has been for quite some time now. After some of the words slung around last night, I do not think that even an acquaintanceship salvagable. As usual, my defenses shrunk me down into a silly putty-like form. I guess I've figured that if I can slide through with as little structural damage as possible, I can then rebuild myself once the storm ends. And like the broken downstairs door of my current residence, the best way to avoid this situation is to prevent it, fix the lock. So I've decided to fix the lock, once & for all.
It's raining out, which I'm actually quite thrilled about at the moment. This should lead to a brilliant spring.

Monday, February 14, 2005

Since it's the possibly most annoying day of the year...

A touch of local Valentine's Day trivia (prize will be awarded upon first correct answer)...
Years ago, in Chicago, the St. Valentine's Day massacre took place. You know, Capone & his cronies. Across the street from where the actual massacre took place is a building (no!). This is now home to a delightful business. What is the name of that business? Bonus question: how old was I the first time I went there? No, just kidding. What is the peculiar about the host?

Sunday, February 13, 2005

Entrance into Adulthood

They say that a girl becomes a woman at the onset of her menstral cycle. While biologically this may hold true, I do not feel that emotionally this is the case. For about a year now I've looked, albeit half-assed at best, at abodes to buy. Since my brush with Stranger Danger on Wednesday night, I've changed my consideration from moderate to serious. I'd gone into a condo building near my apartment a while ago & was not thrilled by any stretch of the imagination. Today, however, I got a chance to see several other models & I think I've narrowed it down to 3. Scary. The idea of actually planting myself somewhere remains a bit of shaky ground seeing as I like to run, quickly, when confronted with an uncomfortable situation (see: I may still technically be dating about a half dozen guys due to lack of tied-up ends on my part). Hello fiscal responsibility, you don't appear nearly as terrifying when I get to look at you up close.
This, also, gives me something new to look forward to, which is refreshing. So I guess this is a bit of a significant post, myself knocking (although timidly) at the door of becoming a permanentish member of this community. Bottoms up of the cheapest champagne I can find since the extra-spending budget is officially drastically cut.

Friday, February 11, 2005

Other Disc of Note

Another disc of note for the day...
Sonic Youth's Sonic Nurse.
It just seems to fit the under-rumbling psyche ambiance. Blah.
...And then the Kinks' Sunny Afternoon comes on. Again, the question is posed that if no one sees me headbobbing in my office is it really that wrong or weird?

Doesn't get much more darkly poetic

I fucking love The The. Matt Johnson is a lyrical genius. I just heard Slow Emotion Replay & have come to the conclusion that every time I hear that song it just gets better. The whole Dusk album kicks the ever-living crap out of 99% of what's out there in terms of longevity listening.

The more I see
The less I know
About all the things I thought were wrong or right & carved in stone
So, don't ask me about
War, Religion, or God
Love, Sex, or Death
Because....Everybody knows what's going wrong with the world
But I don't even know what's going on in myself.
You've gotta work out your own salvation.
With no explanation to this Earth we fall
On hands & knees we crawl
And we look up to the stars
And we reach out & pray
To a deaf, dumb & blind God who never explains.
Every body knows what's going wrong with the world
But I don't even know what's going on in myself.
Lord, I've been here for so long
I can feel it coming down on me
I'm just a slow emotion replay of somebody I used to be.

Holy crap. Simple & eloquent way of communicating some very complex thoughts. Run to the store & buy it. Get ready for some dark, disturbing psychological elements. But hey, hasn't that been a constant running theme of the week?

Thursday, February 10, 2005

Surprise, have a junkie

Saw Sideways last night. It made a very good onscreen representation of human relationships & personalities. I'd been meaning to see it for a few weeks now. However, the suggestion of an acquaintance, with whom I share similar taste, pushed me over the edge. Must concur, terrific film. Upon my return, home I discovered a man passed out on my apartment doorstep & let's just say that his mental state was not due to alcohol. Freaked me out quite a bit & I didn't sleep very well last night. Thank goodness for Merlin, the guardcat. Granted, he has no claws but can get really annoying with his howling & such. Okay, gotta work more.

Monday, February 07, 2005

Attitude Adjustment

Finally got my computer back today & have decided that working on a different one, metaphorically speaking, seemed like wearing someone else's pants.
The last few weeks brought on some serious down moods, to which I've pointed many fingers in many directions, settling on a big, fat finger pointed at myself. Knowing what I should do & actually doing it remains the difficult area. Last night I vividly dreamt of a situation I've mulled around in my head for quite some time now. Earlier, I commented on the "Ex-Parade", making a bit of a joke, as usual. However, now's the time to become a bit more serious about it. So late in the pm my subconscience took me into a conversation with the last guy I seriously dated. In the dream we sat, talking, when I finally said what I haven't said before. In summary, that at one time I loved him more than anything else, his soul. It remains the outside bullshit that I can't stand. Why this came up right now isn't quite beyond me. Saturday turned out an amazing, uncharacteristically nice February day, giving me the chance to spend some time outside, browsing record stores, looking at an apartment (so not buying that shithole), enjoying a spectacular modern dance class (shit, I'm still a little sore) & finally settling at home in my favorite sundress & sweater to make dinner, light candles, enjoy a bottle of wine & get in some long overdue writing. About 3 glasses into the tasty red with a butterfly on the label, I began thinking about what would have happened had he decided to skip town. I also realized that I would have left with him. Dropped it all, possibly to never have the opportunity to return. (romantic at heart, ssshhhh, don't tell anybody) However, it also finally sunk in that he didn't want to leave & the root of our problem was far from going away & never would. There would always be something or someone more important than me in his life. You selfish bitch. But not really. After years of dating men who've ranked me #2 (many times even lower) for more reasons (mostly piss-poor, I might add) than I would like to admit, it all comes down to one thing. I allow it. In fact, I almost applaud it. And I think that Saturday I let it go. I let him go. And in turn, let myself go, too.
So now it's time to take off the bandaid. The wound has scabbed over to the point that unless I pester it, it will heal nicely on its own. Maybe I'll look at it from time to time. Sometimes good to remind ourselves where we've been. Off I go, into a hazy evening, towards the pool.

Thursday, February 03, 2005

Time's up

Okay, since no one responded to my previous quiz question of which artist (hint: first name Frank) wrote a song who's title directly warns one not to eat yellow snow, I'll go ahead & let you know. It was Frank Zappa. Maybe kinda good that no one reads this but myself, for had anyone responded correctly, I would have to come up with a super-cool prize quickly. Maybe a snowcone to keep the theme. But alas, Mario's remains closed until warmer weather arrives. And by this time in the season snow or pretty much anything to do with snow has lost its excitement, having turned dirty and completely unacceptable to throw another being's way. Iceball mistaken for snowball still pulls rank over the dirty snowball as a shitty thing to do to someone else.
Regardless, the system where I work got a virus or something today & the took away my root of many a spaz attack. Thus, I was forced to use the "challenged" computer. To which I decided to say fuckit (pronounced with an accent on the first syllable & a hard "g" sound replacing "ck") to catch up on emails & do a little bloggin'. Terribly addicting this new technological journal turned out.
Time for the babble to end & my ballet class to begin. Will formulate the next trivia question before long.

Tuesday, February 01, 2005


Holy crap, I think my head might just explode. And why is it that people don't listen? Deep breaths. Alright spaz.
Top 5 things to look forward to when I get home:
1. Scrubs in scrubs
2. Purple tulips
3. Ben & Jerry's "Peanut Butter Cup"
4. Finishing Crackpots
5. Knowing I don't have to do this for another couple months

Babble more soon.