ardent bullshit comes down every faultline gushing heavily into jest kindly luscious melons nodding openly post quakes resting still to undermind various wonderous xylophones yawning zealously

Tuesday, February 15, 2005

Finality of Annual Anticlimax...

...more commonly known as the holidays. And although Valentine's rings in for me as the most pointless of them all, there remains a microscopic hope that maybe one year I'll come home to a bouquet of my favorite flower from someone in which I'm interested as well. I guess part of that is that they'd either guess right on the flowers or listen to what I say, as I very regularly drop the genus' name in conversation. However, why should it take a certain day, originally dedicated to a Roman martyr & eventually monopolized by Hallmark & FTD, to tell someone that you love them? In all of the relationships in the past which I loved someone romantically (and even in my non-romantic relationships), I've tried to make a point to tell that person how much they positively impact my life & engage in spontaneous acts of thoughtfulness on a regular basis. Perfect girlfriend, far from it. I just figure that I appreciate someone displaying an heart-felt "I love you" & it just might make their day, too. In my 25.61 years on the planet I've hit some really lonely times. Within these times I've learned that company is a nice band-aid but a fulfillingness within myself goes a lot farther. Many times others' sincere emotions towards my soul helps out quite a bit more than a shallow physical presence (note: not all physical presence is shallow). But I guess everyone has their own way. The trick is to figuring out what works for you.
And down to the real issue. P called last night. He was set free yesterday afternoon, which takes a bit of worry off of these shoulders. Unfortunately, the thunderclouds, lightening & very cold, hard rain rolled in after an half an hour of lighter conversation. I think this was the first time I actually almost hung up on someone (other than my father when he told me he was getting married) instead of letting them get off of their chest what they needed to. The bottom line remains that our relationship is over & has been for quite some time now. After some of the words slung around last night, I do not think that even an acquaintanceship salvagable. As usual, my defenses shrunk me down into a silly putty-like form. I guess I've figured that if I can slide through with as little structural damage as possible, I can then rebuild myself once the storm ends. And like the broken downstairs door of my current residence, the best way to avoid this situation is to prevent it, fix the lock. So I've decided to fix the lock, once & for all.
It's raining out, which I'm actually quite thrilled about at the moment. This should lead to a brilliant spring.


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