ardent bullshit comes down every faultline gushing heavily into jest kindly luscious melons nodding openly post quakes resting still to undermind various wonderous xylophones yawning zealously

Tuesday, March 22, 2005

"Like a winter machine that you go through & then,

you catch your breath & winter starts again. While everyone else is springbound."
I'm pretty sure that I blew my chance at a date for J's party this weekend last Saturday night. Your ever-unstable hostess for this blog drank entirely too much, after not feeling well all day, & made a complete ass of herself, acting rudely towards someone completely undeserving of the treatment & even cried. To top it off, I decided that I needed to call the offended on Sunday, while still drunk mind you, in attempt to apologize. Only to drive away. Not only have I pushed myself into physical hell as a result, I feel as where I was 2.3 years ago mentally. Boo hoo. I can hear the wahmbulance turning the corner yet again. Thus, I've firmly secured my seat on the wagon for a while to straighten myself out (since hard earned lesson before & probably again remains that I can't do a damn thing about anyone but myself). Unfortunately, I could feel this coming on for about a month (past posts totally indicative), yet in my own stubborn manner, ignored all red flags. Smart, emmy, smart. Unhappy emotions+booze=bad. On the flipside, the realization of constructively working things out helps to grip that I have made progress. Whereas before, I'd have continued on a self destructive path, smothered with denial, time to come out & become honest with myself once again. Maybe this time I can save a possible friendship in the future. We'll see. Pick up, dust off, drink tea, do yoga & stay busy. Worked before, it'll work again.

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