ardent bullshit comes down every faultline gushing heavily into jest kindly luscious melons nodding openly post quakes resting still to undermind various wonderous xylophones yawning zealously

Wednesday, August 31, 2005

Worst Move Ever (well, until the next one)


Funny move stories to come. No time now. Having little new apartment initiation tonight. Place is dirty, stuff's not put away. Oh well. Call if you wanna come. 8ish p.m. meow, tron.



Today's Psychic Dessert says: When frustrated, look to GOB!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Tuesday, August 30, 2005

Back to Basics

Hhhhmmmm.... I haven't posted any Top 5 Lists lately. I think that avenue should be ventured down once more starting...now.

Top 5 Reasons I'll be Glad to get out of the ghetto-fab apartment
  1. The guy downstairs pumping the uber-bass at 2:30 a.m. on Monday night followed by a very audible 45 minute sexual encounter. The first time the latter occuredI wasn't sure if I should call the police, as I thought a woman might have been getting killed. Turns out it was Death by Pleasure
  2. The crowds of people who hang out in the middle of the street at all hours & yell in your car window when you try to get your car through them. It's a Block Party everyday.
  3. The smell in the back stairs on hot days. Urine & Seagram's Gin. Mmmm...mmmm...mmm...
  4. The woman who stands by the next building & screams "Eericaaaaaaaah! Eeericaaaaaaaaah! Let me iiiiiin. I lost my keeeeeeeeys" somewhere around the full moon each month at roughy 2:45 a.m.
  5. All of the inner-walls of the building shaking when the main door is opened or closed.

Top 5 Reasons I'll Miss the ghetto-fab apartment

  1. The park on my way home from Jimmy's where I could swing on the swings @ 1:30 a.m.
  2. The feeling of complete security that I couldn't get arrested for ANYTHING since the cops could give a hoot what I was doing & more concerned with the gang shooting down the block earlier that day.
  3. The gardens on my walk to work. Some fabulous horticulturalists live on that street.
  4. All the cute little kids in the building. There are some really adorable munchkins running around.
  5. Cheap-ass rent

Top 10 Things I'm looking forward to with the new place

  1. Brick front balcony
  2. Claw-foot bathtub
  3. Music/Writing Studio
  4. Trash Service
  5. 8 minute walk to work (this gives me one more hit on the snooze button. oh yeah)
  6. Free Laundry in the basement
  7. I can clearly see a bookstore from the balcony
  8. Flower boxes on the balcony
  9. Fresh bread at a reduced price in the evenings
  10. All that lovely closet space

And now to touch on another basic...TRIVIA!!!!!!!

I'm a winner!!! I won the $20 gift certificate to a local record store for answering their trivia! Omigod, you were TOTALLY the only one who responded. So what. I still won.

What album will I purchase with this amazing prize?

The first one to answer correctly will get an amazing prize of your own. And I come through with prizes, just ask Erin, who won the last trivia & I got her REALLY drunk just like I said I would.

Monday, August 29, 2005

Who's Pissed off at Virginia Woolf?

A room of one's own is sweet, my ass. Albeit a somewhat inspirational title, I feel it maybe should be called "A room of one's own is great until you have to pack it up & throw a bunch of shit out & you're sitting on boxes full of books & glassware feeling sorry for yourself while you're all alone on a Saturday night & your creepy neighbors attempt to 'reconnect'".

I know you're home, I can hear your phone.

Oh. You're just bitter because you never finished Ginny's work.

No. I'm bitter because Norton's Anthology print is about a millimeter large & single-spaced. Demotivating.

Right. Just like how you didn't finish The Satanic Verses for some dumb reason.

The Verses were giving me nightmares.

Ha. Now I remember that month that you subconsiously had some Indian goat-man following you around. That was hilarious.

I got in to work today to find that 26(!) comments on the last post. Wow. I felt very popular. And so I thought...who could love me this much? Who is this secret admirer? The usual suspects written off, as not many homeless drunk men have the internet. Has someone been reading from a distance, only to get drunk enough this weekend to post like 18 times in a row? Upon opening the comment section I found that this was not, in fact, the case. Some asshole named "Tom" was trying to sell me "real estate" in "Cancun". This immediately shattered my dream of *(insert name of man crazy in love with me who wants to support me through grad school so I can be hot Latin American Literature teacher mom someday)* & I falling in love, getting married, making babies & moving to Vancouver/Seattle/Oregon/New Hampshire/Vermont to buy a home in a city & one in the mountains. Eff you "Tom", eff you.

Upon Tobese's comment I remembered something I'd shoved back in to the recesses of my brain, hoping that if I didn't acknowledge it, it wouldn't come true. I got all wasted a couple weekends ago on a camping trip (lesson relearned=Jim Beam may just be the most disgusting thing known to man). Da Bro, his lady-friend & I were all sitting around the fire hootin' & hollerin' & laughin' at each other & good ol' stories about accidental flatulance in public.

Up walked the Devil, who'd been checking out some other campsites. They were all asleep so he thought he'd stop in & check up on the ***** family. You know, make sure we were getting into sufficient amounts of trouble. We told him that we were carrying an abundance of trouble this particularly insanely hot summer. (he said he was bein' all nice-like by getting us ready for eternity or something)

He was acting pretty tame (probably because he was in the country) so we invited him to have a drink & play a game of Rummy. He passed on the drink (something about not "touching the stuff anymore") but would take us up on Rummy. Lack of judgement taking the better of us, we 3 numbskulls spanked Lucifer's ass. His mellow mood turned angry when I pointed at him & said "take that mo fo". Apparently, he's a sore loser.

I felt bad so I tried to console him but he wanted nothing of it. He did, however, say that a coin toss (he calls it) would make him feel a little better. He asked me what I wanted. I'd noticed he was wearing a pretty kick ass charm bracelet & claimed that if I won. I turned the question around to him. He said it'd be a surprise. He knows how much I like surprises, as long as it wasn't taking all of my Morphine cds (he's got a thing for Mark Sandman), so we agreed. Da Bro acted as ref & flipped the shiny quarter in the air. The devil called "Tails" fractions of a second before the coin began to make its descent & landed in Da Bro's hand. He (the ref) turned the coin over so it rested on his palm to reveal Tails.

The devil's & my eyes met as we looked up at each other, him grinning devilishly, me petrified to find out what he was asking. He began a deep, throaty laugh which raised a good octave within a few seconds, all the while having thrown his head back. "What, what", I asked, "do you want from me?"

"You kept talking about your stupid blog all throughout Rummy. Blog this & blog that. What's the worst thing that could happen to your precious blog."

"You can't give a blog herpes."

"Of course not, you dumbass. I can, however, spam your comments," He said picking up his knapsack tied to a stick & resting it on his shoulder.

"You wouldn't."

"Would you rather I make you fat again? Adios ***** family. See y'all again soon." At that, he walked away with a happy gait in his step.

All of the commotion must have woken mom up since she flung open the flap of the tent's vestibule & croaked, "What the fuck is going on out here? Would you guys please go to bed? And who was out here with you? I heard 4 voices. Emmy, are you picking up homeless rednecks again?"

"We'll be in our tents in a minute, mom. Go back to sleep. Everything's fine." Da Bro responded while consoling me & promising that he wouldn't ever let the devil make me fat again. That is, as long as I stayed away from those goddamn Hostess Cherry Pies (that's just asking for it).

So the moral of the story goes: don't mess with Texas. I mean, don't fuck with the devil if blog spam is involved.

Wednesday, August 24, 2005

Lame Blog Day: Part 2


Operation: Become Less Boring is underway. In the meantime, you will have to put up with me while I continue to be lame.

I found out today that I might be a winner. Ha. That's rich. No, seriously. I might have won a contest. I submitted an email to a record store regarding some mysterious eBay items & may have come closest to figuring out what they are. If I win, I get a $20 gift certificate. This could cause for a celebration.

Break out the chocolate fountain.

Last time you won anything was in junior high when you dressed up as the Queen of Hearts for Halloween. Ah, the days when you were a fat cheerleader. Hey, chunky, okay?

Glory days.

Ever think about them? I'm pretty sure that I haven't had my glory days yet. Maybe at 85 in a "retirement village" sucking on a bottle of wine through a straw with a diet consisting solely of ice cream.

Everyday's a glory day.

The Autumn Tease has set itself upon the city of Chicago. For the past two days I haven't walked into work drenched & dirty at 9 a.m. or woken up with cat fur stuck to my face from sweat acting as an adhesive. This also means that Summerdance may end up bearable this evening.

Calling all party people. This is the last week of Summerdance Fest. Be there or don't. If you do go, bring your own drinks (las bebas cuestan demaciado dinero) & gulp 'em down incognito so the five-o don't make you spin around in your hot shirt & tell you not to drink in a park.

In closing, look at the picture. What is coming out of the monkey's ass?

Tuesday, August 23, 2005

All About Me


Dumbest governmental decision ever in 3, 2, 1...now. Why exactly the president of Turkmenistan decided to ban lip synching is beyond any sort of comprehension. What will junior high girls do at slumber parties? Because I know that around the age of 12 the most popular thing to do at sleepovers was pull out some Madonna & pretend to be the ultimate sex symbol in the music industry (that is after we prank called the boys that we liked). It was fun, it was great, it laid the path to the mid-twenties 4:15 a.m. post-bar dance/karaoke parties. How could he possibly take that away from the Turkmen (not to be confused with Turkish people)? Why, Jebus, why?

Because life isn't fair.

We all know just how much I love dance parties (drunk or sober, they're the grapes). But I woke up this morning, confused, asking myself questions like...who am i? what am i like? what do i like (other than dance parties)? well, how did i get here? Desperately, I hunted for a fortune cookie (still need to get on that psychic dessert business thing) to tell me something, anything. But alas, remembered that I went on a fortune cookie binge & ate all of them one day that I forgot to bring a lunch.

Lost.

Then I got an email from my mom. A mystical, "Buddhist" email from the Lama that contained a test. This test promised to tell me who I was, what my life was like, what was important to me & what I think of other people in 4 short questions. So excited to finally meet me, I took the test & found out the following...

First, that pride, family, career, love & money are the order of important things. Thank goodness for that because you're not gettin' any love & we all know you're broke.
Second, I am fun, my lover (what lover? you don't have a lover you dumbass?), if I had one, is loving, my enemies are sneaky, sex is tastey & life is calming. Have you been eating edible underwear for dinner again?
Third, I will never forget Colleen & Jaimers, Con is my soul twin, Caleb is my friend & I really love my aunt Kay. Aw, that's sweet. I want the dirt on your archenemies. Hey, I know what'll piss you off. I invited your stepmom for dinner in 2 weeks. That's not funny.
And finally, if I send 7 people this email by Saturday I will have my wish come true.

If anyone would like to know more about themselves (& get me one step closer to that pony I wished for) please contact me & I will send you the mystical quiz. Although I have to warn you that although I'm glad I know more about me now, it was a little bit dissappointing because I also realized that I'm very boring. Project for the next week=become less boring.

Maybe I'll buy a hair crimper.

Ssssshhhhhh, secrets...I have laid the groundwork for the conducting of an experiment. If all goes well, it will be completed this weekend. Some of you know the plans, as you are part of the experiment. Please do not leak any information for it could ruin the control. Details to come.

We went to see them last night. They played this & a bunch of other stuff, but not their rock opera in 3 parts. It was great. We saw lots of fun people. We drank some beers. Sorry if you missed it. You should come to the next show.

This post brought to you by a little bit of mushy brain & lack of creativity.

Friday, August 19, 2005

The Big Day


So I've been thinking about "The Big Day". What Big Day? You didn't tell me about this. When is it? And more importantly, WHAT is it? Because I know that you're not getting married anytime soon. You're not even getting laid. Seriously. Do you have to keep bringing that up? Yes. Why? Because it's funny.

Whatever.

So Con & I took it easy last night. You know, cooked dinner & watched the Daily Show & a movie. While at the video store I ran into this movie & found it not only a cheap knock-off of this movie but possesses an absolutely ludacris storyline, full of catty female & adolescent behavior. (is this really how women are viewed in society & are some women ASPIRING to be this? is this a standard women hold themselves up to as a way to feel normal? because i for one don't really think these sorts of characters are particularly good markers to place normalcy comparisons) Since crappy movies peak my interest (some movies are so bad, they're good, see this movie) I figured I should read the back cover. Disturbingly, it used the common "Big Day" (capitalized, mind you) to describe one of the supporting main character's wedding, although it never said "the Big Day, the day she gets married", it was apparently implied that as a society we expect a woman's Big Day to be the day she becomes a wife. Jeez, Louise, are you gonna go all feminazi on me now? Women shouldn't get married & all that?

Absolutely not.

I'm all for marriage. I would imagine someday I might just do that married thing. I want to get married. I just don't see how waiting around for it to happen is anything but wasting time, frustrating yourself & eventually settling for a life that otherwise wouldn't have been attractive. However, I do not feel that in the time we are living that the idea that a woman's worth weighed by the size of a diamond (for all you modern anthropology buffs out there, what is the history of the diamond representing engagement?) or that she is deemed "questionable" if she is not married & has no "prospects on the horizon". See: she's not married, what's WRONG with her? This sounds like an angry rant because you can't find a date to other people's weddings.

It's an expression of opinion.

For a little over a year now I've been single. Dated but nothing serious for several reasons, mostly willingness. This has become a bit of an issue among extended family. Nothing huge but noted dissappointment that I have not yet settled down with a mate. Note a conversation at the last family reunion..."*****, where's *****? Are you two still together?" (Unnamed, A-type personality, extremely successful aunt) "Yeah, it didn't work out between us." (me) "Oh no. He seemed like a nice guy and his family is in politics, right?" (aunt) "They're democrats." (me) "Oh no." (aunt) That was the single moment to date that I was actually glad that side of the family possesses a number of staunch Republicans, as I didn't quite want to explain that I cut it off after realizing just how dysfunctional the relationship was & him threatening to kill me if I exhibited certain behaviors. Granted, later that night turned fierce after several bottles of wine and a Bush & WMDs thrown into the conversation pit. Luckily, we all agree on one thing. We love wine, which has saved our asses from killing each other on several occasions. Inevitably, one less-involved breaks the debate by mentioning that we needed more wine & where should they look. Immediately, attention is shifted onto the more important issue at hand. Lushes.

Yep.

Thursday, August 18, 2005


Since busy & boring suit Tron quite well today, have a funny cartoon. Get it?

Wednesday, August 17, 2005

Things that make me squeal...



...rollercoasters, ice cream (except Rum Raisin, not so squeal-worthy), surprises (the good ones, not the one's like "guess what, pumpkin, your mom & i lost all our money so now you have to be a stripper to put yourself through college, have a nice life & enjoy the blow"), flowers, finding out that albums that were previously shelved are going to be released, kittens, rainbows and lollipops and sunshine and knowing that fer sher I'm totally moving in like 2 weeks to a really cute apartment with a brick front balcony & a back porch (I got a shot of Dad out back) & a little study area & a fireplace (see below, we already had a portrait) with bookshelves & a china cabinet & trash service & FREE laundry in the basement.

Party time.

Excellent.

So now I have to start planning a party. A big monster blowout. But who to invite. You know, these party things take time. And a dress code. People can't very well wear whatever they feel like wearing. How will I tell people about the party. Rent one of those triple-repeating bull horns? Do I have invitations printed up? What if nobody comes to the party. And what about ice cream cake. Any good party needs ice cream cake. I know that if I showed up at a party without ice cream cake I'd be pretty pissed. I might just get all drunk & yell & scream & cry that I didn't get any ice cream cake & that this is a party, goddamnit, & what is WRONG with you people. Party no cake. That's like sex no orgasm.

The moments in life when you don't know if it's worth it.

And now it's time for a pop quiz: which of the following pisses me off the least...
a. getting a really bad papercut on my index finger right before a piano recital
b. someone rearranging my closet while I'm vacation
c. waking up to find that Merlin, the testiless-faced cat puked all over his bed.

Monday, August 15, 2005

THIS JUST IN!!!!!!!!!!!

Day=made.

What I've kept with me & What I've Thrown Away


#1 most irritating thing to do ever this week=packing. Holy Jebus, do I have a lot of shit. Crap. Useless junk. That hasn't seen the light of day since it was brought to **** S. ****** *** like 19 months ago. Packing, packing, packing. That's what this weekend consisted of. Seriously, you loser, you did nothing but pack? You don't have THAT much stuff. Believe me, I know.

I lied. Packing wasn't the ONLY thing I did. I spent Friday night with Meow, who, by the way, is recovering quite nicely from her icky bad accident. Within the month, she'll be walking fully. We went to this divey little place on 95th St where I'm pretty sure the woman shit her pants a little when I gave her a $3 tip. She just stared, stunned, repeating thank you with a small smile on her face. So then, we went back to her home to have a dance party to this & danced like this & we had so much fun.

And I sat back for a while on Saturday, during packing, to reflect on the last year. I'd found a bunch of stuff that I thought I'd thrown away but turns out I didn't, so I threw it away on Saturday. I did not, however, throw away the journal that I kept from ages 8-10 because it's awesome & I found a whole entry that I wrote about this song & the fact that I was going to write a letter to them. My parents were really lucky to have such a cool kid. Oh. And I still fit into my Junior High cheerleading skirt. (spoiler: I was a bit of a fat kid & I can't really breathe so well in it now)

All in all, productive yet slightly boring. Wait, no it wasn't. What am I thinking (or maybe I'm just not)? Saturday night we played this & I yelled things like "move you stupid mother fucker" & "take that bitches" at the screen. Despite my general abhoration towards video games, this one was great. So great that I'll play it again as long as I don't have to be dumb Waluigi because he looks like the Purple Pie Man & he scared me as a kid (wrote about that in the journal, too).

Friday, August 12, 2005

She out of her mind!

Okay, so I stole Nick's blog header because he stole one of mine but we were totally at the same place at the same time when we each came up with our headers so we can share, right? While at the BF/RW concert on Wednesday we noticed an ad for some lady (apparently named Tovar) in the booklet they give you at the festival that was a picture of her & by it said, "Tovah: out of her mind". It was effing hilarious. Speaking of Nick, he is wonderful & one of the kindest people I know right now. For reals. I'd be shocked, shocked I tell you, if I ever saw him swat a fly. Nick hosted yet another VERY successful Family Feud last night. And as usual, everyone had a t-rif time. And lots of new people came & this time a lot of us brought beer. Granted, not nearly as good as an ice cream cake but about 1/4 of the price. Dear cheap beer, I love you but you make my head hurt a little bit.

No luck on apartments yet. Effing Aye. I found a place last night that I love more than most amphibians (salamanders are really cute) but it's like $990/month. And although it had a bunch of stuff that I want (fireplace, sunroom, back porch, good size bedroom), for that much money better I better get a goddamn chocolate fountain, which I don't (already asked). The landlord's pitch was that heat was included. Seriously? You mean that you're going to pay for the heat that you control because it's a radiator building? Does everyone see young ladies & think...hmmm, they must not know anything about homes/cars/gravedigging? 'Cuz I've got a news flash. We usually don't but that doesn't mean that common sense hits the road if it just so happens that the issue falls within the aforementioned realms. Nosirebob. Just because heat was paid for does not warrant that insane price without a chocolate fountain included.

Sssssshhhhhhhh, Secrets: I think rats are gross.

I was in a meeting earlier today with one of our new science guys & one of the important dudes was all "name 3 people who's careers you admire/respect" to which new dude was all "can they be baseball players?". Ha ha ha. New faculty are sooooooooo funny sometimes even when they're not trying. You know who else is funny? Celebrities who show their underpants but don't mean to. I'll leave you with this.

p.s. Since I'm still a tech tard, the picture came up twice. However, this picture is SO GOOD that I feel like posting it twice actually makes it better.

Thursday, August 11, 2005

i'm your only friend...


i'm not your only friend but i'm a little glowing friend but really i'm not actually not your friend but i am

Today is officially Early 90's Releases Stuck in my Head Day

Sometimes I swear there's a James bug that crawls into my brain & embeds itself only to remind me to pull out some older stuff & irritate the hell out of me until I can get home & do so. Doesn't help that Born of Frustration makes a nest within my cerrebral tissues when I feel frustrated, which further frustrates me. Thanks brain, I'd much rather TMBG right now. "Feeling frustrated"? What's with you and all these stupid feelings lately? Well, I found out last night that the apartment I really wanted. "The Alley", remember? Well, it was leased on Tuesday night. Wah. Well, that & stupid liars that lie but it's not really lying because there's some truth to it. Only they lie to get my goat & get me all worked up & feel hurt. So you talked to your stepmom. Ding.

So get over it. Okay, I'll try but she has a femullet & that's just wrong. Shut up. You used to own an all Hypercolor outfit (remember the socks?).

____ is the new ______.

After Lolla... a friend of mine emailed to see how it was. I'd responded that the music was the only good thing about it (& getting hit on by a guy in a Ted Nugent shirt. Yeah. Nuge). Too hot & entirely too expensive & I wasn't feelin' too keen on the crowd vibe. $5 for Bud Light=ludacris. Also, I'd noted several people walking around at the concert with Lolla... gear on their bodies. Wow, there are either a lot of sloppy eaters or people who spontaneously burst into flames & had to buy new clothes around this place, I thought to myself. (note: was real drunk the first day) Once my mind cleared up a bit I realized that wearing the concert clothes at the concert is the new wearing the concert tee-shirt to school on Monday morning when we were like 16. Sweet. Apparently, this trend has taken hold of the pubescent population of urban areas (or at least Chi), as I saw several people sporting Ben Folds gear at the Ben Folds show @ Ravinia last night. Despite the inability to smoothly maneuver through a crowd to get to the "smoking area", it was great. Usually the herd of people talking in the middle of a walkway will drive me nuts. Kinda like three people going the same speed in all 3 lanes of 294. Rufus Wainwright put on a wonderful, soulful performance. Ben Folds did a great job of keeping the performance at a pace where he didn't lose your attention, even if unfamiliar with the songs. But everybody knew Brick, so they all sang along. If I actually liked that song or everyone sang along to Evaporated I would have been a little bit more peeved but it ain't a fav so it didn't matter so much. The disgusted look on Nick's face when this occurred was totally worth listening to a few bars of off-tune fellow-listeners. Ha ha ha!

Since this was another kinda lame post, I'll leave you with a lame joke. But only the question. Provide me with the answer & win a prize.

Q: What did the fish say when he swam into the wall?

Wednesday, August 10, 2005

New Places, New Faces

I officially declare this Lame Blog Day for youdontknowmymiddlename.

What to do? Where to go? What can I get for $2.34? A burger at Bar Louie, that's what. So after class that's exactly what Con, Erin & I did. Usually we'd hit the Missy Elliott lookalike contest at the HP chain but this week was different. We were sick of seeing Miss Missys in all of their glory. Somewhere new. Off to Bridgeport to run an errand & off, off we went to the Little Village BL branch.

Upon entering, we discovered a plethora of UIC kids. Yay! New undergrads with whom to secretly play "You & Him" (patented by the one & only of two, Schmale). You guys are losers & going to hell for that. True. But it's also so much fun to outdo each other in a grueling "You & Him" match, especially if it's for the wager of a dime a piece. Also, when ladies go new places they get hit on by new, never-seen-before men. And as expected, last night did not disappoint. The first approacher, a very thin roughly 20-year-old, came up to the table & quickly fled when we asked him for a joke. 1.3 beers later 2 new (ahem) gentlemen approached three ladies who stuck out like sore thumbs (that's us). These two, James & Cesar, were hilarious & very obviously very drunk since they immediately admitted that they were not 21 or over. Ha ha, what if we would've been cops.

Getting hit on by 19-year-olds=super-fun night.

So we chitchatted for a while about cabbages & kings & whether pigs have wings & such & Cesar & I spoke in all Spanish. At this point the party got started when Con recognized one of her former students, Stephen. Stephen came right over to the table, looked over at me & in one of the most flamboyant voices I've ever heard screeched "omigod. kylie minogue. that's who you look like". Stephen had been tippin' it up a little bit as well since I have no physical characteristics in common with Kylie Minogue other than both of us being little white chicks. Although, I did wear my showgirl costume out last night, feeling especially peacockish.

Getting back to James...what an interesting kid. Pretty much everything that he said, I disagreed with on some level or another. Some opinion. Some fact. One debate went as such...
Scene: James babbling about putting people into 4 different categories of humans. he could only remember 3, which made his argument completely useless to begin with.
me: you can die from alcohol withdrawl but not heroin withdrawl
idiot: no, you can't die from alcohol withdrawl & you can die from heroin withdrawl
me: no, i'm pretty sure you're wrong on that one. (cited research text)
idiot: well, you know my cousin killed himself when he was detoxing from heroin
me: um, you didn't seriously just use that as an argument, did you? because now you're just combatting my side of this discussion.
idiot: yeah, well, i'm not gonna have sex until i'm engaged because i think that she should have to wait & know that i'm in control of that stuff.
me: (furrowed eyebrows, blank stare, slightly opened mouth displaying an awed look) where'd stephen go? (at this point any hope of logical conversation was out the window & decided to go find cross-eyed-drunk stephen to bolster my ego)

Yeah for drunk 19-year-olds!

The Boring End.

Tuesday, August 09, 2005

New Trivia

Who died 10 years ago today?

"I need...

...loeauove", sings Sam Phillips out of my speakers & into my ears this morning. And now I need a copy of Martinis & Bikinis. Ms. Phillips has me convinced by her lovely drug out "oeauo" that I, too, need love. Yeah, love, that's the ticket. Even if I got the message from a lady who used to sing Christian songs or something. Love knows no boundries. Love knows no religion. Love loves love. Now I need a trashcan because I just threw up a little in my mouth. Trashcan, Trashcan Sinatras (I need some of them, too), Oscar the Grouch. Grouchy grouchy, that's kinda how I've been the last like 2 days. Why? Maybe it's because I've been looking at crappy, subpar apartments that are going for entirely too much money. And I don't have any money so I need love in a bad way. Like The Beatles say "Can't Buy me Love" or J Lo saying that her "love don't cost a thing". So it's free, right? The Beatles wouldn't lie to me. Especially after writing so many amazing songs, yes?
But then something happened last night that should have changed my grumpy mcgrump mood. I found a place & totally have 2 more people to play Xtreme Tennis. The apartment is set up all narrow, like a Bowling Alley. So that's what I'm gonna call her, "The Alley". But alas, she's really expensive, too. But this is where I want to live because it has an enormous party porch & is on a quiet block & half of one of my dreams would come true, the music studio, & my friend, Alison, who's also a fun, single lady would live downstairs so we could eat dinner together sometimes so I wouldn't just sit in my apartment & talk to Testiless Face about nonsense (or not as much, anyway). So I sat down & wrote out a new budget, which further depressed me. However, if I'm really careful & start drinking Schlitz & Hamm's & not paying all of that money for man whores I think I can swing it.
Needs vs. wants. So although I want it. Want it so bad I can taste it, the chocolate fountain will have to wait. And so will spiffy new furniture & spiffy new picture frames & spiffy new clothes. Needs: Free Love, Paint for giving love to the apartment & bulk M & M's.

Monday, August 08, 2005

What it feels like...

This weekend was all about feelings. I felt, oh man, did I ever feel. And then for part of it I felt nothing, which is how I know that I felt anything at all. What the fuck are you talking about? Have you finally gotten laid? Is THAT why you're having all of these feelings? No, you dirtbag.

Saturday, early afternoon we headed out to the Arboretum in the suburbs. Hhhmmm...trees. I haven't seen those in a while. Maybe I should move back out to where young emmy learned all about life & love & which routes are the best for running from cops. The land where trees grow. Nah. So we get to this magical tree land & ask where the maze is because first things first, must get lost. The nice lady at the information desk told us where the maze was & gave us a little bit of whimsical wisdom. She said we should visit the Pines so we could feel what it's like if we ever wondered about what it felt like to walk in the woods. Flabbergasted, we were all over this unfamiliar feeling of woods-walking. But only after we attempted to get lost in the worst maze I've ever been in (spoiler: the only maze). Lack of direction came only when we woods-like walked (& that picture of me, lost, in the woods, to the right). So how did it make you feel?

Like spoofing Blair Witch so we went to the mall & made a run for the border.

Then a friend of mine called to tell me that there's this awesome rap group playing at the Double Door & if I wasn't busy I should go. So the new hot shirt got pulled out again. Yeah, hot shirt. At this point I was feeling my hoey alterego. Ridiculous, awesome pack of whitey (& a coupla Asian) rappers? Formed at UW-Madison? Could it be possible? And I say that yes, yes it is. And they were just as ridiculous as promised which is cool because you know how much I like ridiculousness, especially on a Saturday night after 6 beers. And that's when I became ridiculous-feeling too.

These feelings suck. Give me something I can work with. Did you do anything but drink & walk in the woods this weekend? You lazy mo fo.

Well, yeah, I'm getting to it. Sunday morning mommy brought me my bicycle. So in all of my tired, hungover feelingness I hauled it down 3 flights of stairs & took off for a new place. Somewhere I've never been on a bike. Like Mario's on Taylor & Racine. Yeah. Mario's. I hadn't been there in like 10 years & it was high time I took a little visit there. So I peddled, peddled, peddled for all of 13 & God's disc & found that I was, again, lost. This time in not such a safe a place as the woods but on 29th & Damen. Uh oh. Lost? Again? What do I do? Put on the Can Can Sessions & keep peddling, that's what I did. And what did I find? A race with another biker. He looked at me on my street bike & I looked at him on his little dirtbike. Our eyes narrowed & we snarled at each other. And then came the moment of judgement. I felt pumped. I felt afraid of losing to a 14-year old on a dirtbike. I felt like my legs were about to fall of by this point. Who would win? Who owned the road? And smoked my ass, he did. How did you feel then, you sissy? I felt like a loser but then realized that I was only like 10 blocks from Mario's & felt a whole lot better. Until I realized that I couldn't walk.

So in desperate need of protein, Nick & I took another run for the border & I felt better with hot sauce in my belly. The end.

Friday, August 05, 2005

Winners winners everywhere,

Nor any a one to lose. (Coleridge turned emertron) Nobody lost because there was ice cream cake & this really kick ass guac & salsa & rippled chips & Ruby Red Squirt (super score). Well, technically my team spanked those mo fos like they've never been spanked before but whatevs. And I got to play "Fast Money".

Dreams really do come true. And remember all those wonderful Bests a couple posts back? Remember the one about friends & how they're the best? They still are & it's always great to make more. Some cosmic force brought us all together to the same place at the same time (cosmic force Nick & the power of blogspot) & it turns out we all got along & it was awesome. We're talking about holding our own Field Day. With kickball & an obstacle course & an egg toss & everything. Everything. (note to fellow feuders: thanks for tolerating the clapping & "woot"ing & jumping. it happens when i get a once in a lifetime chance)

Once in a lifetime. Or maybe again next Thursday night.

However, once only happens once but keeps continuously happening so all of the onces combine to string our onces into forever. History can not repeat itself for the dimension of time. Duh. Go read Unbearable...., again, you weirdo. Speaking of all time fav books, time smiled on me again last night when I found a copy of "A Prayer for Owen Meany" in the free book bin at the bookstore on **th Street (I ain't givin' out no sources to my free litermature). This happened ON THE WAY TO BALLET. Cosmic.

Isn't it weird that in like every one of my monthly horoscopes the "cosmos are aligning....". Shenanigans.

So I think that tonight's gonna be the night. THE night. The NIGHT that I rent Abs Fab videos & drink martinis & smoke cigarettes & have a dance party & sing karaoke @ 2:30 a.m. I think it needs to be that kinda night. Plus, I need to start getting my Halloween costume together. And I just got a new mix on compact disc & it's full of funk music & it's awesome. Name=Grand Funk Auto. I'm supposed to listen to it in the car or something. Whatevs, I'll just pretend like I'm driving when I dance to it. Oh, and I'm gonna do some laundry.

Thursday, August 04, 2005

Countdown to the Feud


Spazzy, spazzenstein over here is so excited. Why? Oh my god I can't believe you forgot! Tonight's the night. The night that might change my life. Really, change your life? Are you going to finally get laid, because that would probably shut your ass up. Well, no, probably not change my life & tonight is not going to have any layage but still, it's gonna be awesome. I get to fulfill my dreams of playing "The Feud" (Family Feud for all you who didn't get the memo) complete with "woot"ing & jumping & competing for who's the better family without having to go on television & look like an asshole.

God must love me so much because it put ballet & the Feud on the same night. What did I do to deserve this royal treatment?
And you wanna hear the cherry? I'm taking an ice cream cake from Cold Stone as my "ticket" & Brownie Batter ice cream. I just decided on the Brownie Batter. This is because I really want some, not really for anyone else.

Survey says it's gonna effing rock.

Wednesday, August 03, 2005

We're all Winners around here

But Erin is the "real" winner because she got the Saved by the Bell trivia totally right (kinda).

a. When I wake up in the morning
And the clock lets out a warning
I don't think I'll ever make it on time
By the time I got my books
I give myself a look
I'm at the corner just in time to see the bus fly by
It's alright cause I'm saved by the bell
If the teacher pops a test
I know I'm a mess
And my dog ate all my homework last night
Ridin low in my chair she won't know that I'm there
If I can hand it in tomorrw it'll be alright It's alright 'cause I'm saved by the bell.
It's alright 'cause I'm saved by the bell.
It's alright 'cause I'm saved by the bell.

b. Kelly was effin' Jeff instead of Zach & it all blew up when they were all "dance queen & king" or something & dressed up as Romeo & Juliet & Kelly totally broke Zach's heart.

c. Jessie spano freaked out because she was doing all this speed because she was busy or something. She broke down in Zach's bedroom

Bonus: "I'm so, I'm so SCARED"-Jessie Spano (I was totally wrong until corrected. Spanks, Nick!)

Erin, you may contact me to retrieve your prize & it might be waiting at Jimmy's (spoiler: it's not a friendship bracelet). Jessica, you get a prize, too because you got it half right & just kick ass anyway (even though I don't really know you, anyone who plays board games is the grapes in my book).

We fought the law....

...and we WON!!! Recap of one of the most fun nights in a while starting in 3, 2, 1...Feeling ugly. Feeling lonely. Feeling unloved (if you know what I mean), I set out to make myself feel better. While shopping Monday, I bought a hot shirt. Man, oh man, is this shirt hot. Effing hot, I tell you! Fast forward to Tuesday ~10:30 p.m. All dressed up we approached the Hot House to find it was closed! Closed? Had they known we were going to be so hot they would have kept it open, despite the "plumbing problem" they claimed to have. So instead we hit one of the 17 gagillion local dives in the Loop, had a beer & brainstormed, while, of course, looking hot. Hhhhmmm...high school. Remember that? Let's act like that again. I know, let's grab a 6 pack of crappy beer & sit in a park! So that's what we did. Sat in a park in all of our hotness & drank beer & peed in alleyways until the five-o put an end to our fun. They said, "Ladies, step over to the squad car". So we did. It was awesome, exhilarating, reckless! Where are your ids? Omigod, they're in the car! What do I do? What do I do? So I went & got them, taking my hotness with me, of course but leaving Con's for herself. So I got back & Senor Nightstick was writing out Con's "warning" & asked her all of these questions & then turned it on me. Omigod! What if I answer a question wrong? Will I go to the clink? What will come of the new hot shirt? I asked if I could clean up our mess (because I feel that littering is not envirofriendly) & he looked at me all "Wha?" & asked "what mess?" Holy shit. He doesn't know that we were TOTALLY drinking in public! So Con said "paperbags" & I said "cigarette butts" & we got out of it.

I passed all of the cops' tests, including spinning around. Yes, the cop made me fucking spin around!!!!!!!!!! What a perv! But I was kinda bein' all flirty & really hot so it was a bit warrented.

Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha

So then we went to Jimmy's & had a beer & told everyone the story. By then we were, admittedly, not as hot since it was like 2 a.m. Then I lost my cell phone (spoiler: I know where it is) & went home to bed.

Now I'm going to eat linguini w/ white clam sauce. Yummmmmmm!!!!!!!!

Tuesday, August 02, 2005


First & foremost, new trivia:
a.) What are the lyrics to the theme song from "Saved by the Bell"?
b.) Name the guy Kelly cheats on Zach for.
c.) In my fav episode (other than the one where Lisa Turtle's all "wasted" & wrecks her mom's Benz) Jessie Spano has a "breakdown". First, why does she have a "breakdown" & second, where does this "breakdown" occur?
Bonus: Complete the sentence. Jessie Spano @ end of "breakdown", "I'm so, I'm so ________".


Secondly, why doesn't this effing Hello shit make my pictures borrowed from the internet bigger? It really kinda pisses me off that I'm a techie tard. Eff, Eff, Eff. So I'm looking for a new apartment. Since the one I'm in has some ess issues. (see: security, stalker, esseffing essjuckies passed out on my escaleras) And I'll be all, this place is cheap & I don't want to move & I'm okay right now. And then something else will happen & I don't sleep more than 3 or 4 hours/night for like 2 months. Then an okay month & then it starts over. No, I have not been raped, mugged or killed in it but the psychological repercussions of fear & discomfort in a place that's supposed to be "home" is pretty bad, too. Plus, I'm thinking a little bit of a new start for the fall. All joking aside, lots has happened in the last year & a half besides all those effing esses & I'd like to leave all that alone. Oh listen to that seriousness. Eff that. Eff, eff, eff. I'm getting all of my effs out before I go & find a home & then prance around, smiling & saying a little prayer that I don't hurt myself:) Yeah! Ballet 2x/week from here to eternity (see: next summer term). I'm writing crappily today so I'm gonna quit. Starting now.

Monday, August 01, 2005

Love is in the air

Oh my god, oh my god, oh my god!
And now it's time for weekend update. This weekend was all about love. Love, love, love. Everywhere I turned I found myself or others loving. All over the place. By Sunday afternoon it was getting pretty nauseating. I felt like if I loved one more thing that I would explode & pink confetti hearts would pop out of my body.

Friday night I enjoyed a game of Scrabble. What ever happened to people playing board games? Board games are officially the new video games. Video games were over after Atari. All down hill. Except for Mario Party.

Saturday was the biggest contributer of love. With that whole wedding & all. The bride & groom wanted to show everyone their love. They sufficiently expressed their love to us by providing a chocolate fountain. Have you ever experiences one of these? They are creatures of god, I tell you. This gave me an idea. Why only enjoy this sort of bliss at weddings? Shouldn't I be this happy everyday? Yes. It's official. I NEED a chocolate fountain as a permanent fixture in my apartment. So the wedding, especially the dessert table, was a complete success & the bride looked smashing & the groom was all smiles & I found no hot bachelors to sweep me off of my feet but that was okay. Wha? Okay? Yes, it is. Because I'm bypassing all of the dating hubbub & getting married. His name is Pat. We decided to get married in college but I wanted to sow my wild oats for a while after school & now I'm ready to not work & sit around & go to the country club & play tennis & eat expensive food on someone else's dollar. Yes, siree bob. Maybe we'll move back to the suburb where we grew up & have babies & name one of them Buffy or Sterling or Paris.

Instead of a diamond ring I want a chocolate fountain.

Late in the wee hours. And when I say wee I mean 1, I returned to my home and set out to get some stuff done. What might one do at 1 a.m.? Why, open a bottle of wine & do some writing. That's what. So that's what I did until the wine was gone & the weer hours had come & I was done pretending to be a fancy writer. I also had a bit of a relapse in these wee hours when I thought that Fiona Apple should be the soundtrack of the night. Oh Fiona. I love you. (see, more love) Oh Fiona. I can't listen to "When the Pawn" when I'm at home drinking wine & writing my little stories at 2:30 in the a.m. In fact, I shouldn't be listening to you at all because you know me too well. And I know how I feel when I listen to you too much. You see, I'll start listening to her & then can't stop after just one or two songs. The whole album. I've missed golden opportunities because I just couldn't turn her off. So I know, how I know.

Then I thought of the chocolate fountain & snuggled into my bed for sweet, chocolate dreams. More love to come, I just need to take a love break real quick-like.