ardent bullshit comes down every faultline gushing heavily into jest kindly luscious melons nodding openly post quakes resting still to undermind various wonderous xylophones yawning zealously

Monday, October 31, 2005

Na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na WAITING

Lookie here, Lil' Angel ting, I gots two tings to sayda you.

First, them's some sweet wings.

Two, if you don't get that fuuuckin' flame away from my nuts, you ain't gonna be around here fa too much longa.

You got me?

Does anyone know Hungarian? I think that's in Hungarian. Or rather, Nick thinks it's in Hungarian & he knows that kind of linguistic stuff.

Big Day.

Remember how I moved, yeah? How my old place was all cheap & stuff but I wasn't all that safe & there were gangs on the street corners & people called me a "wench" & the psychotic neighbor followed me some places & how it was haunted?

Maybe I should summon my old ghost for Halloween tonight.

Anyway, I woke up this morning to these news people across the street of my fabulous new apartment. Woah! Did I win the lottery & forget? I was pretty drunk on Saturday night. Maybe I've been "discovered" by a modeling agency & they want to sign me but they want to do it on local television because they know how hot I look in the morning on my way to work. Omigod! Johnney Depp finally realized what I've known forever & is here to sweep me off my feet & take me to Europe & live forever without a care in the world.

None of the above.

Turns out there have been like 15 armed robberies & assaults within like a block & a half from my house within the last month & a half. DANGEROUS! A SERIAL ATTACKER! You know what this means? That my deep-seeded fear of serial people (namely killers) is totally grounded & there are a couple exboyfriends that owe me an apology (A P O L O GY, mother fuckers) for laughing at me when I said that I have a fear of serial people. So the super-smart news people throw guess who's street up on the camera like "hey serial gang assaulters! this is where you want to go!". Sheesh! And now my mom's gonna freak out & be like "see I TOLD YOU you should get a boyfriend. then you wouldn't be alone all the time. please, won't you finally just settle down?"


So after I found this out I was creeped out a little bit & a little sad that my fantastic new apartment has a major flaw right now. But then Nick told me about this article & it made my day all better. Is it sad to feel better about yourself when you see something dumb that a celebrity did?

Tomorrow's another deadline. Who wants to take me out for beers?

Wednesday, October 26, 2005

Operation Halloween

Operation Make Costume=underway, legs=done, torso & arms=tonight.
Operation Going Out Plan=kind of underway
Operation Eat Candy=so underway that operation may need to be aborted in order to fit into skinny jeans post Operation Halloween. shit shit shit

Halloween, a haiku
ghouls and goblins and
pumpkins and candy, I sure
love you Halloween.

Speaking of scary things, Sunday afternoon I grabbed some lunch with a friend at Milk & Honey (best BLT, ever) & saw Megan & she's wearing rollerskates on Halloween again, which is awesome, & she said that yes, we should all go out together again. Remember last year. Ha ha. Neither do I.

Stay focused.

Okay okay. So on the way back to Ethan's place to make cookies (mmmm....coookies) I saw a sign.

And it opened up my eyes. I saw a sign. Life is demanding without understanding.

This sign was for a psychic. Yeah! A PSYCHIC! At special discount rates, no less. I was going to ask questions like "will my boobs stay perky" and "will I marry a really really rich man who will shower me with gifts" and "where will my next orgasm come from". But alas, despite the neon OPEN sign, no one answered the door. I guess they must have sensed that last question & decided not to delve into that issue.

No one's gonna drag you up to get into the light where you belong.

Dissappointed & stuffed from eating too many parmesan chips, I drug my feet back to the car. Where could we go? I felt so empty. I needed someone to tell me how it was all gonna be. What was going to happen. And where, oh where, is that goddamn orgasm? My distorted state told me that I should bake half of the cookies & sit on the couch, eating the other half in dough form. Sigh.

Until...we saw another sign! This one was for the new Scientology Center in Lakeview. Wow. They'll tell me what to do. What my future will bring. And will definitely take my money!

So we entered, immediately confronted with a shrine to L. Ron, complete with 3x lifesize bust of Mr. Hubbard himself. So I put in a fake name & prepared myself to be dazzled. No dazzlement. However, I did get a personality test so I'm gonna take that & come back with my fake name to find out a fake personality for my fake person. We did, however, enlighten my friend's roommate to the point that he's now officially scared of me for how much I was laughing while reading the brochure. "Murder is not healthy". ha ha ha ha ha. Seriously, it was a whole chapter. It's like those street signs that you're like "duh, why would I ever do that & why is that there?". Answer: because apparently, it's been a problem in the past. Uuuuhhhhhh....

I think I need another hobby.

So instead of the intended cookie making, we decided to go to Sheffield's, have a bloody mary & discuss the lack of our new-found scientologiness. Oh, and watch the Sox win. Sweet.

In closing, my neuro-tissues apologize for being complete, incoherent idiots today.

Monday, October 24, 2005

I have shin splints.


Wednesday, October 19, 2005

What did you think of Candide?

Wow. What a week. This has been like the best week in I don't know, a few weeks or months or whatever. Consistantly best. I feel like I can almost count on the awesomeness to keep up, which I'm pretty much already guaranteed.

Turns out that I get a part in the Nutcracker, I'm not just silly chorus anymore. Uh uh. No sireebob. I'm Clara's mom. This means that I get to wear an extra special & pretty dress & prance around the stage like a queen. Isn't that awesome? I sure think so. Plus, I'll have a special place on the program. It'll look like this...

Clara & Fritz's Mom.....................................Emertron

Awesome? Yes. THEN guess who called & told me that she's in Green Bay & has Friday off & will be in Chicago? COLLEEN!!!!!!!

Sunshine personified.

We haven't seen each other in like 3 years & we get to spend the whole day together on Friday at the Art Institute & dancing around the Loop & we're gonna have a sleepover on Friday night. This is BY FAR the awesomest news that I've had in at least 6 months. Maybe even all year.

So in order of celebration, last night we went to see these guys here & then went downstairs to listen to him play records. Mind you that the cherry was that it was ALL FREE. That's right, no cover charge. Sweet ass. Mr. Sleeve must be psychic because I really wanted to hear some Motown & he played some. And he played the Phoenix which made me so happy because remember how I met the Phoenix at Smartbar & was trying to welcome them to America by speaking Spanish (yeah, they're French & speak English)? So we drank High Lifes because we were celebrating and what better way to celebrate than to drink the champagne of beers & dance around & take pictures. Note to self: get a photobooth.

So Saturday night we all decided that we're gonna go karaoke & make assholes of ourselves. You should come with & make an asshole of yourself, too. It'll be fun.

Monday, October 17, 2005

You're Nobody 'Til Somebody Loves You

This weekend was great. Great GREat GREAT!

So you FINALLY got laid!

No. I spent the whole weekend eating yummy food, watching movies & hanging out with my dad. He just moved, you know.

Yeah. I remember you saying something about that. He's down in the middle of nowhere now, right?

Yep. So I had to drive like a million miles to get to his new house. And I had to drive really fast because I was running late because of Friday traffic...Why do people drive like douchebags?...I asked myself, stoking the roadrage fire blazing in my abdomen. Since I couldn't come up with an answer myself, I thought I'd call some friends & try to figure out why, oh why, do people drive like douchebags. So I called Amy. She couldn't answer my question but did let me know that she got married & is in the process of growing a baby in her belly...Sheesh!...I thought to myself...EVERYBODY'S having a baby. Ajax had one. Vince had one. Alison had one. Cindy's growing one right now. Schmale wants one. What's up with this whole baby thing? All I hear is how they poop and cry all the time & they always want to suck on your boob.

Sounds like your exboyfriend.

So Saturday night we had this hospital benefit dinner. It was really good & fun. They had French Silk Pie & crab & lobster ravioli & a bunch more good food. Usually when I'd have this stuff for my parents it was all big huge stuff but this one pretty small. The whole town was there. There were like 127 people. There were 2 best parts, though. First, I got to meet these nuns. They were awesome, sweet ladies. One of them talked with me about shopping. It was so great. Second, THERE WAS A CHOCOLATE FOUNTAIN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! It was just like how I remembered it from Dave's wedding...amazing...Dear CF, you never let me down. (heart), emmy.

As sure as the stars shine above.

So then we went back home & drank some whiskey & beers because the whole night had been entirely too classy & we needed to declassify ourselves & talked about a bunch of stuff & tried to name the craters on the moon. We didn't do a good job & only came up with Copernicus. But that one shouldn't even count because it's so easy.

You dumbass. You couldn't even name the moon's craters? What kind of a scientist do you think you are?

I'm not a scientist.

Oh. Well, you should spend some more time with Physics Dave. He could teach you more about science.

Fair enough. I'll make sure I call him this week to talk science. We watched a Pink Panther movie, too, & I felt like I was 9 again, but buzzed. So the next morning we went to a breakfast that people fly their planes to & eat in the "airport". We drove because it would've been stupid to fly a mile & a half. There were a bunch of men wearing nylon "Budweiser" jackets. They must like "Bud" a lot...I thought. If one of them had been wearing a "Coors" jacket, I would have bought it & sent it to Ajax, since he likes Coors. Then I got the greatest idea. Ajax's baby needs a baby "Coors" jacket, too. That would be awesome. Maybe they could get matching ones & be twins kind of. Anyhow, the food was good at this, too, & we did go up in Larry's plane. It was really neat & now I want an airplane of my own. Then dad tried to explain football to me for like the bagillionth time but I still don't really get it. I mean, I get it but I don't GET it. But you know what I do get? Bagel dogs. Those things are fucking great. A hot dog wrapped in a bagel? Genius. I would really like to thank whoever invented them.

Thank you Mr. (or Ms.) Bagel Dog Inventor. You are probably the best stoner to have ever lived, next to whoever thought up Brownie Batter.

So I got back into my car after packing up & saying goodbye & that we'd talk soon & drove off into what would be the sunset in 5 hours. And since I had like 4 hours to kill I started calling people up, again, to see if they knew why people drive like douchbags. Nobody had an answer & nobody else told me that they were making, growing or had made a baby but I did have some good conversations about lots of random stuff & how I think my dad's a damn cool guy & a terrific father, which made me think...maybe THAT'S why people have babies. To love them & that they love you back. Hhhhmmmm, maybe I'm on to something. I'll do some research of these so-called parent/child relationships & let you know when I find out more.

In the meantime, find yourself somebody to love.

Friday, October 14, 2005

Last Night I told a stranger all about you

Dear Jaimers,

By the time I arrived at the "Welcome to the Oxford Federal Penetentiary" rubber mat it was sprinkling outside, three-quarters dark and I was completelyoff-balance. The whole tone of Friday was one of a music video director attempting to emulate a dizzying sensation. However, this wasn't a music video, Madonna would not pop out of the bushes and begin vogueing at any moment, as I soon grasped with the whoosh of the opening door to where I was to see P. Immediately, I smelled a familiar smell. Ohmigod, sanitized filthiness. I began fighting the vomit that'd crept up on me somewhere near Madison. I entered an eerily familiar room the size of a volleyball court, filled with plastic chairs & tables, vending machines, a television and families. All these kids, Jaim. Yeah, I know, convicts have children, too. This one little girl, she must have been about 5, stared at everything but her family for a good hour. From 10 feet away you could see her fighting her father's presence, the whole time her mother urging she talk to him, look at him, listen to him. Maybe she noticed I was looking anywhere but the person I was in to see as well.

They have it pretty nice, considering.

To elaborate more about my favorite part, the vending machines... There are blocks of cheddar cheese in them. So I asked P what that was all about in an attempt to spark somewhat meaningless conversation. He responded that some of the guys bought and ate them, plain. Wonder if they ever crap. And all of this is going through my head to avoid the inevitable. Visiting time's up. Great. "Bye, I'll see you tomorrow morning". Kiss kiss.

I stayed at a place called Crossroads. I asked the owners if they'd seen Robert Johnson hanging around anywhere. They didn't get it.

Saturday morning proved all business. I marched into the drab room with hot air balloons painted on the wall and laid it out. "I can't do this anymore." There, done, the band-aid quickly ripped off, wound exposed.

From here on out, I didn't give a shit what was said. Stones got thrown. Yes, they were stones of hurt. The ones thrown at the other person when you want them to feel as bad as you do. So he threw away... "I knew you wouldn't be strong enough to go through this with me"..."Oh yeah, motherfucker? Not strong enough? I'll show you just how strong I am. I'm gonna do it just to prove you wrong" is what my first brainwaves sent, thankfully caught by logic, only to agree with him. "I guess I'm not".

It's not a matter of strength, it's a matter of willingness and I'm not willing, haven't been for quite a while. But he knew exactly how to hurt me, make me start to doubt myself and think maybe I don't know what I want or what's best for me. Ah, T must have given him notes at some point. But I didn't go back on my decision.

The thought of waiting at home after a day at work, picking up the kids, making dinner, correcting homework, finally to sit down at 9:00 p.m. while my mate is at a meeting, telling me it is all going to be okay as long as I listened to what he told me and trusted that God was going to take care of us and not to get so upset when he lost his temper (I won't hit you, I'll only hit the wall) and where had I been and who was I with and was I aware that all men want to do is fuck you, friendship is bullshit and why can't I write more and send more pictures was enough, enough, enough. So it's over.

How's Scotland? I miss you.

Con un abrazo fuertisimo y un monton de besitos,

p.s. don't trust whitey.

Tuesday, October 11, 2005


...not hungry, eating sorbet instead of ice cream, comfortable sleeping 12 hours a day, shooting pain in left ear. Goddamn it.

I think I might be the worst sick person I know. I don't like laying on the couch, watching television all day & not going in to work when I COULD be using those "sick" days for much better reasons, like vacation.

Think positive, think positive, think positive...

Oh! I found out last night at rehearsal that I'll get to put my flamenco shoes to good use, as I get to wear them for part of the Nutcracker. Fancy dress, flamenco shoes, stage makeup. It'll be like Halloween in mid to late December.

There, much better. Time for another nap.

Monday, October 10, 2005

Still recovering


Random great things about Friday night in 3, 2, 1...15 minute dialogue focused on chocolate fountains, impressing incoming faculty with my knowledge of the Bionic Woman (including reinacting her "run"), opening presents, getting the response "uh, we were walking down the street & some people invited us up from the balcony" to my "um, who are you" question, 4 a.m. discussion on the merits of Surfer Rosa, trying to teach a non-rhythmic friend to dance, 2 of my dearest friends finally meeting each other & getting along fabulously, ice cream cake, stuffed pepperoncinis...and the list goes on...

So much fun that I fell asleep at 8:25 last night.

Friday, October 07, 2005

Go here...

*Stolen from Be The Boy

Heeeeeeere's Autumn

So it went from like 80 degrees one day to about 50 degrees the next here in the soon-to-be-very-depressing city of Chicago. Yeah sweaters! Yeah blankets! Yeah seasonal affective disorder! Yeah yearly "Top Lists" in like 3 months! Yeah holiday parties! Yeah days off! Yeah Halloween!

I'm gonna start early...

Top 5 Things about Today:

  1. Party (duh)
  2. Allergy meds made me hyper
  3. Cordouroys (sp?)
  4. Soup
  5. Figured out where the melody from Zero 7's "Waiting Line" came from...Groove Armada's "Little By Little". Shit Zero 7, you be stealin' like The Cheese.
  6. Ski season starts in like a month & I've already found cheap tickets to Gunnison. Woot woot!

Okay, so I lied, top 6. But it wasn't a BAD lie. A bad lie is like if you poop in your pants & then somebody asks you if you crapped in your pants but you say no & they're all like "dude, we see a load in your pants & you fuckin' stink & you LIED so now you're a poopy-pantsed LIAR".

Woah, where'd that come from?

Allergy meds. Speaking of allergies...I snuggled into bed last night under my comfy comforter, Merlin (the testi-less faced cat) curled up by my head & had a dream. Yes, I had a dream. It was about a whole bunch of stuff but the most vivid part was that I got stung by two bees, one on each hand.

I hope I'm not psychic.

Anyhow, the stings only swelled to the size of a quarter & I was happy about that. But then I pushed some venom out & the stinger came out, too. But it wasn't a stinger, it was a cat claw.

Happy weekend & stay off the crack.

Thursday, October 06, 2005

It's Ulcer Time

Seriously, I think I'm dying. I'm getting an ulcer & stuff. I swear. I think that maybe work should pay for a week-long "rejuvination trip" to somewhere in like New Mexico or Arizona or something. One of those mystical places where I can do yoga & talk with ghosts of Native Americans & shit. A friend of mine did that but she went all the way to India. She said it was awesome & I believe her.

Maybe I should just make sure that I go to my bed because everytime I sleep on the couch this happens. But seriously, this time it's totally an ulcer. I swear. Black coffee doesn't seem to be helping at all.

The proof is in the pudding.

First of all, where is this proof pudding? I've been hearing this phrase for years now & every time I eat pudding I prove nothing more than that I still like pudding. Especially vanilla pudding. No new mathematical epiphanies are happening here. I'm not inventing new methods of directed evolution. Although, I don't know how you could directly evolve anything other than how it's already directedly evolving but whatever. See, no proofs. Failure.

I'm having a party tomorrow. It will be awesome. It will be fun. I am sorry if you can't be there. You will miss a fun party. Instead, you should come & carve pumpkins with us in a couple of weeks when I get back from visiting my dad. My dad's going to take me to a party. But I don't think that it's the same sort of party as tomorrow. Something official with the hospital where he works now or something. I'll make sure to wear a very pretty dress.

Speaking of pretty dresses...I'm going to be in the Nutcracker this year. I will get to wear a pretty dress in that, too, & I'll get to prance around on stage. This, too, will be awesome. More details to come.

This uneventful post brought to you by the lack of proof pudding & a raging enferno in my stomach.