ardent bullshit comes down every faultline gushing heavily into jest kindly luscious melons nodding openly post quakes resting still to undermind various wonderous xylophones yawning zealously

Monday, October 17, 2005

You're Nobody 'Til Somebody Loves You

This weekend was great. Great GREat GREAT!

So you FINALLY got laid!

No. I spent the whole weekend eating yummy food, watching movies & hanging out with my dad. He just moved, you know.

Yeah. I remember you saying something about that. He's down in the middle of nowhere now, right?

Yep. So I had to drive like a million miles to get to his new house. And I had to drive really fast because I was running late because of Friday traffic...Why do people drive like douchebags?...I asked myself, stoking the roadrage fire blazing in my abdomen. Since I couldn't come up with an answer myself, I thought I'd call some friends & try to figure out why, oh why, do people drive like douchebags. So I called Amy. She couldn't answer my question but did let me know that she got married & is in the process of growing a baby in her belly...Sheesh!...I thought to myself...EVERYBODY'S having a baby. Ajax had one. Vince had one. Alison had one. Cindy's growing one right now. Schmale wants one. What's up with this whole baby thing? All I hear is how they poop and cry all the time & they always want to suck on your boob.

Sounds like your exboyfriend.

So Saturday night we had this hospital benefit dinner. It was really good & fun. They had French Silk Pie & crab & lobster ravioli & a bunch more good food. Usually when I'd have this stuff for my parents it was all big huge stuff but this one pretty small. The whole town was there. There were like 127 people. There were 2 best parts, though. First, I got to meet these nuns. They were awesome, sweet ladies. One of them talked with me about shopping. It was so great. Second, THERE WAS A CHOCOLATE FOUNTAIN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! It was just like how I remembered it from Dave's wedding...amazing...Dear CF, you never let me down. (heart), emmy.

As sure as the stars shine above.

So then we went back home & drank some whiskey & beers because the whole night had been entirely too classy & we needed to declassify ourselves & talked about a bunch of stuff & tried to name the craters on the moon. We didn't do a good job & only came up with Copernicus. But that one shouldn't even count because it's so easy.

You dumbass. You couldn't even name the moon's craters? What kind of a scientist do you think you are?

I'm not a scientist.

Oh. Well, you should spend some more time with Physics Dave. He could teach you more about science.

Fair enough. I'll make sure I call him this week to talk science. We watched a Pink Panther movie, too, & I felt like I was 9 again, but buzzed. So the next morning we went to a breakfast that people fly their planes to & eat in the "airport". We drove because it would've been stupid to fly a mile & a half. There were a bunch of men wearing nylon "Budweiser" jackets. They must like "Bud" a lot...I thought. If one of them had been wearing a "Coors" jacket, I would have bought it & sent it to Ajax, since he likes Coors. Then I got the greatest idea. Ajax's baby needs a baby "Coors" jacket, too. That would be awesome. Maybe they could get matching ones & be twins kind of. Anyhow, the food was good at this, too, & we did go up in Larry's plane. It was really neat & now I want an airplane of my own. Then dad tried to explain football to me for like the bagillionth time but I still don't really get it. I mean, I get it but I don't GET it. But you know what I do get? Bagel dogs. Those things are fucking great. A hot dog wrapped in a bagel? Genius. I would really like to thank whoever invented them.

Thank you Mr. (or Ms.) Bagel Dog Inventor. You are probably the best stoner to have ever lived, next to whoever thought up Brownie Batter.

So I got back into my car after packing up & saying goodbye & that we'd talk soon & drove off into what would be the sunset in 5 hours. And since I had like 4 hours to kill I started calling people up, again, to see if they knew why people drive like douchbags. Nobody had an answer & nobody else told me that they were making, growing or had made a baby but I did have some good conversations about lots of random stuff & how I think my dad's a damn cool guy & a terrific father, which made me think...maybe THAT'S why people have babies. To love them & that they love you back. Hhhhmmmm, maybe I'm on to something. I'll do some research of these so-called parent/child relationships & let you know when I find out more.

In the meantime, find yourself somebody to love.


Blogger nk said...

I want a baby so I can pick up hot chicks.

2:09 PM

Anonymous Anonymous said...

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2:10 PM

Blogger emertron said...

Puppies work better.

4:58 PM

Blogger nk said...

OK. I will buy one. But if it doesn't work on you, I'm taking it back.

8:02 PM

Blogger emertron said...

You should get a Golden Retriever & name it Pickles.

12:58 PM

Blogger nk said...


2:40 PM

Blogger emertron said...

Sweet. I bet Pickles will love my cat & they'll be best friends.

4:23 PM

Blogger Nick said...

Seriously, the moon's craters have names? Wow, I so did not learn that as a kid.

4:39 PM


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