ardent bullshit comes down every faultline gushing heavily into jest kindly luscious melons nodding openly post quakes resting still to undermind various wonderous xylophones yawning zealously

Thursday, December 29, 2005

Operation Domestication


Yay Christmas! Yay holidays! Presents presents presents! Backfat backfat backfat!!! I hear it, I swear, when I'm walking down the hall...the sound of belly jiggle. Yeah. Gross. But totally worth all of those fat-laden calories for the pure satisfaction of pecan french toast, beef wellington & fudge in my very happy tummy. Mmmmm....fudge, you thought you could get me to continue eating you but alas, Tron can sometimes outwit wholesome fudge by giving it away!!!

So far the Frango mints are the only things left to go. Who wants them?

As usual, Christmas turned out quite bittersweet and every year the same sentiments creep up into a generally happy personality...melancholy & a strong desire to be alone. Don't get me wrong, I want to see people but really don't want to let them down with my silly, dour mood so Merlin gets a lot of attention & I get a chance to get back into the regular workout routine.

Shut the hell up, Eeyore.

Ho hum. Okay.

Ho hum okay my ass. You aren't even excited about all of your presents? What's wrong with you, you ungrateful little brat?

Yeah. You're right. I guess I am really excited about seeing my family & spending a bunch of time with my brother & stuff. And I did get pretty much a whole new cooking set up so me & the new Cuisinart will be having quite a bit of fun.

Garlic for everyone!!!

But something's missing. You know? Like there's a void & I need to fill it.

Oh no. Don't even try talking yourself into thinking that eating all of those m & m's in your car is a good idea. Nosireebob. That's just dumb. So let's try to pinpoint the issue, k?

Whatever.

You had fun at your brother's, right?

As usual. Although I would highly recommend you not go out & get 40 year old virgin. It was a bad movie. Granted, it had its moments, but all in all, it was some bad stuff.

And mom's? Look at all that new kitchen stuff?! You're going to want to stay home & cook all the time before you know it.

Yeah. Maybe. And they were all wasted so it was funny to laugh at my wasted parents. Ha ha! Wasted parents!

Okay, and you always have fun with your dad because all you guys do it play pool & eat.

Usually. However this year there was a really weird dominance feeling going on in the new house with the stepmom and she had gotten a puppy the day before which was one of the cutest things alive and it kept her pretty busy it wasn't overwhelming. But my dad kind of outdid himself this year.

Oh yeah, how?

He showed the new bf porn.

Wait, what? Seriously? That's fucking awesome.

Yeah, not so much. Definitely made it into the Top 5 for embarrassing moments this year.

Really? So what are the others?

I thought you said my Top Lists are lame.

That's before I found out that you make one of the most humiliating moments of the year. Hop to it, kiddo.

So in closing...

Top 5 Most Embarrassing Moments of 2k5:
5. Sitting on chocolate at work...in a tan-colored, cordouroy skirt...and the only pants I had to wear were sweatpants...and not cute sweatpants, mind you...the sweatpants that I paint in.

4. Gas (although flatulance is hilarious, there are times when it induces more redface than laughter)

3. Dad showing porn on Christmas AND then telling a story of a woman flashing him and I quote 'come on, they're just boobs, you know? they were alright but not that great'. Sweet.

2. Slightly hungover at work, explaining the show Police Squad (the Japanese Garden scene) & describing it as 'fucking hilarious' in a little too loud of a voice in front of faculty.

1. Family birthday dinner...Using 'speaking of incest' as a segue to talk about 'Middlesex' (read it) at the dinner table in front of about a dozen family & friends. There was more than one dropped fork & a roar of laughter. Yeah, not so clever.

20 Comments:

Blogger nk said...

I ACTUALLY felt like I was reading an interview when I read this post.

Your little package should be there soon. That won't be embarrassing.

4:09 PM

 
Blogger J-Mo said...

ya i can't wait for the new year. I need to be able to get back in to a routine without all this craziness.

4:19 PM

 
Anonymous Anonymous said...

backfat. i thought i was the only one. we are sekrit twinzzz!

12:04 AM

 
Blogger emertron said...

Yes, anon. Backfat is a real & extremely irritating thing. Glad someone else could relate.

4:08 AM

 
Blogger Conti said...

I agree with your take on the 40-year-old-virgin, and i think the same of wedding-crashers.

2:33 PM

 
Blogger emertron said...

Thanks for the heads up.

3:15 PM

 
Blogger erin said...

oh my god how did i not hear about the christmas porn thing. that is fucking hilarious.

3:25 PM

 
Blogger emertron said...

Not really the NYE choice topic.

3:31 PM

 
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