ardent bullshit comes down every faultline gushing heavily into jest kindly luscious melons nodding openly post quakes resting still to undermind various wonderous xylophones yawning zealously

Wednesday, February 15, 2006

The world's too big and life's too short to be alone

After not having a chance to talk since like a month ago when she stayed over & we got all * & made home movies (confid to nk: movie's on the way, not tonight but soon...promise), I finally got an email from Schmale today. Yay Schmale!!! She's decided that she wants to grow up or something & get married. I think when she told me our conversation went a little bit like this...wait, married? you mean, like, be with one person for the rest of your life? (me)...yep (her)...are you SURE you want to do this? (me)...absolutely (her)...really? what's that like? (me)...i dunno, it just is (her), that's so zen. are you gonna play the electric slide & shit at the reception? (me)...absolutely not. i'm warning the dj. no macarena, no electric slide. none of that (her)...awesome (me).

So she's been planning this wedding. There's a lot of planning that goes into these things. It's going to be a fancy wedding. The planning I was most concerned with, because, you know, I'm a very concerned person, is what the bridesmaid dresses would look like. I told her that the contingencies of standing up were that the dresses can't be heinous & I get to walk down the aisle with the hottest groomsman.


She wrote today with the news that she'd picked out the bridesmaid dresses. They're really not too bad. No lace. No pink. It's doable.

But then on to the REAL issue. A date.

Yes, this event may be like 10 months away but these matters require a certain amount of planning. Remember how I had 2 weddings to attend this summer? And for zero of these weddings I had a date? Well, let me tell you, this will NOT happen again. The weddings this summer were still a ball of fun but really, I can't hardly attend a wedding where I'm standing up with NO date. What kind of a loser would I look like. (please keep your comments to yourself on this issue) For this reason alone (well, & that Valentine's (barf) day may or may not have included a wee bit of Jack Daniel's), I opted for staying in tonight & contemplating the issue. Bored with staring at the wall, I ran a bath & stared at the ceiling in the ginormous bathtub (really, I'm a little person & have years of swimming training under my belt but should not enter this thing under the influence of drugs or alcohol for drowning may occur). Think think think. Who who who. Is there anyone suitable for this sort of event? Maybe this is the chance to cash in a Spanish favor & get the prince to attend. Well, that'd be if I had an in with royalty. hhhhmmmm...

So that went nowhere quick & instead I read a cooking magazine. Still completely void of answers, but with a taste for some homemade chocolate mousse, I pulled my pruney, lavender-scented body out of the water & decided that it'd be a good time to post a goal. That goal being that I must find a date for this fancy lovefest.

Your job, dear reader...hold me to it. Don't let me go get drunk at a wedding alone again. Especially since this time I won't be able to comfort myself in the fact that I'd be wearing a Nicole Miller.


Anonymous Anonymous said...

Open bar = I'm sure plenty of dudes will go just for the bar alone.

12:15 PM

Blogger Electronsean said...

btw, I love weddings and dates.

1:11 PM

Blogger Electronsean said...

open BAR. Gimme 6 schlitz.

1:14 PM

Blogger emertron said...

Electronsean, you may get a summon from Chicago in the beginning of December. Don't worry, I'll totally put out. ha ha!

1:31 PM

Blogger ica said...


2:02 PM

Blogger Conti said...

A list of candidates for you:

1. Todd
2. Alan
3. Jerry
4. Hank
5. Jose

2:30 PM

Blogger emertron said...

Conti, who's the hottest?

4:42 PM

Blogger P. Diggler said...

You know whats better than bringing one date??? bringing two! or the entire BNN for that matter. Think about it.

9:12 PM

Blogger emertron said...

Shit, I don't need to think about that one at all. Pass up the chance to be escorted by the hottest biking gang with the hottest bikes? Never. BNN trip to Chicago!!!

9:52 PM

Anonymous Anonymous said...

what if you just pick up some guy like an hour or two before the thing? that might be cool.

9:55 PM

Blogger Sean said...

I heard open bar. Can Mike and I crash this wedding? You know, like the movie?

11:02 AM

Blogger etro said...

I could probably set you up with Hanson (all three of them)...we're pretty tight after all.

6:18 PM

Blogger nk said...

I cried this morning when I did not see a package addressed to me in the mail.

6:24 PM

Blogger nk said...

I cried this morning when I did not see a package addressed to me in the mail.

6:25 PM

Anonymous Anonymous said...

I would also be open to going if bribed with both an open bar and free transportation, where 'free transportation' does not entail giving sexual favours to middle-aged truck drivers.

8:30 PM

Blogger Ajax said...

What the fuck is wrong with pink?

6:16 PM

Blogger emertron said...

Dear Ajax, I love pink but not so much if they're fluffy, pink bridesmaid dresses. (heart), emmy

12:07 PM


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