ardent bullshit comes down every faultline gushing heavily into jest kindly luscious melons nodding openly post quakes resting still to undermind various wonderous xylophones yawning zealously

Thursday, March 30, 2006

RIP: Merlin

Saturday, March 25, 2006

And You've Been So Busy Lately that You haven't Found the Time to Open up Your Mind and Watch the World Spinning

In light of a pretty stressful but fantastic week, I've decided to stay in tonight. Woah! Yeah. Total loser. Loser to the max. But that's a'aight. I've found that not going out both weekend nights benefits my body & wallet. You know, you kind of get burned out.

So what's been going on to essentially halt my consta-spinning wheels? Why have I, the infamous Party Girl, so readily succombed to sweats, glasses & laundry at 8 on a Saturday night?

Frickin' work, man. Seriously. On the weeks that I don't have anything but work & dance, I can greet the weekends with energy. But come Friday, after a week filled with other, taxing activities I'm pooped. Pooped I tell you. Whoever thought that you can get stuff done during a 40 work week is out of their minds! And I know, I know, a lot of people do a whole lot more than I do but jeez louise, I need my beauty rest.

So the fantasticness of this week included a few things. First of all, getting in the proposal that I'd mentioned a couple posts ago. Also, I finally nailed my double pirouhette (sp?) & my flexibility has gotten back to the point where I can semi-comfortably do the splits again. Fuck yeah. I'm a spinning, splitting machine.

On the down side, my kitty is sick. He's lost 3 pounds in the last couple of weeks (20% of his previous body weight) & had pretty much quit eating. Poor little pumpkin's hips & spine are sticking out now. What worried me the most is that he wasn't meowing. Now, some of you who have met Merlin would think this a blessing. But we all know that a silent Siamese is not a healthy Siamese. And yes, I'm a complete fanatic about my cat. I got him when I was 9 & he hasn't left my side since (except college). So into the kitty taxi he went & we made the trek out to the suburbs, him crying, in turn making me cry because he's so unhappy in that stupid cage. So we get there & the vet people ask me what's wrong & I make jokes (because that's what I do when I'm nervous. no!) & describe what's going on.

And the doctor sticks the thermometer up his ass and I find out that Merlin is not, in fact, happy with that. And he gets weighed & I start tearing up again at how much he's lost because a. I'm a fucking sissy and b. overdramatic wha?. So he says that he might just be constipated but he wants to run some tests because that could be a symptom of many possibilities. And he gives him a bunch of fluids. That was funny looking. Merlin had this big ball of fluid on his back that almost immediately moved down to his right 'shoulder' joint & he looked like he had one of those things that bigger old ladies get that shakes under their arm.

So the next day I proceeded to bite off all of my fingernails & smoke like 5 cigarettes (prior rule of no smoking at work has received an amendment: stressful days it's okay), waiting for Dr. C to call & let me know that Merlin's like half dead or something. Turns out his liver's okay (so he can still have his evening cocktail) & his kidneys are in perfect health. His pancreatic enzymes are a little out of whack but that could be from him just being constipated. All that work for nothing? That cat so owes me. So I've decided that he just needs some alternative medicine. Love. And that's what he's getting. This afternoon included a lengthy petting, the two of us curled up on the blue, triangle rug in the studio, me running my hand over his beautiful fur & kissing his sweet little head, him purring & rolling over when it's time to hit the other side. My sweet, sweet little friend.

Oh! New development...I'm totally in love with Sondre Lechre. Confid to NK: will fer sher burn this for you. It's fantastic.

AND!!!! I'm a sucker & just went ahead & bought the Police Squad videos. Should be here within 4-14(!) days. Hopefully the former. Do I hear Police Squad party?!?!?!

Friday, March 24, 2006

Happy Birfday Little Brother!

Hey! Guess what today is? It's my brother's birthday! Yep. 25 years ago my mom birthed a healthy baby boy who looked like an old man. Seriously, his baby pictures...not so cute. But then once he was about one and a half, he got really cute. He was all smiles & giggles. He had white hair, big hazel eyes & a smile that could melt butter. Usually, when he was smiling, he was up to something. And that something was trouble. He kept my mom on her toes. And then later, in his teenage years, drove her halfway to insanity.

Like most kids, we had some curiosity regarding flatulance. What was that funny-smelling stuff that makes noise? Our parents, the honest, loving people that they are, were not advocates of silly stories like the stork bringing babies or Santa Claus only bringing presents if you're good. They explained & showed pictures of making babies, mom explaining just how excruciating labor is & told us the truth about Claus, that he died the year before I was born so there were no presents and that anything our friends told us was a lie & 'those kids are full of shit'. So when we asked what farts were all about they hit us with it straight up. We'd stepped on a toad. Ha! There were a whole lotta toads in our house! Dad apparently needed to look a little bit closer to where he was stepping, him being the biggest culprit of stinkin' up the place.

Anyhow, when I look back on this special day, the day of the birth of my brother, I can't help but remember that little so-blonde-its-white haired kid, running around in diapers, looking at the bottoms of his feet, checking for toads.

Happy birthday, kiddo. I love you.

Thursday, March 23, 2006

What Makes You Sick?

Wait. I thought that Jesus was supposed to be all about teachings of love and tolerance. I guess I was wrong on that one.

Yeah. I could go on & on about this but it's pretty self-explanatory.

Sorry Merlin, god doesn't want me to talk to you very much anymore. Please forgive me.

Tuesday, March 21, 2006

News You Can Lose

Just got word that my first official submission was accepted. No mistakes. No errors. And a day early.

What this means: Post-ballet drinks & possibly a mild hangover tomorrow.

Hell Has Frozen Over

Okay, so you know how I have to keep the windows a little open to my apartment because it's like 70 hundred degrees in there? Right. Last night I came home to a freezing cold house. And when I say freezing, I mean, well, really effin' cold! I had to sleep in like 3 million layers & was laying in bed, watching my breath creep towards the ceiling, hoping that if I were to freeze to death that all of my friends & family know how much I love them and how could it be a just world if I were to freeze to death, with only a kitty by my side while Paris Hilton runs around free, wearing ugly clothes & looking like a very stupid bird getting laid all over the place?

Ha ha. Just kidding. We all know that Paris is just a robot. An evil evil robot.

Wow. I can't believe it's only Tuesday. It totally feels more like Wednesday or Thursday. Do you think it'd cut it if I was just like 'oh whoopsies! thought it was friday! my bad' if I just didn't show up to work? And it just makes it worse that I'm sitting around waiting right now. Wanna know what I do when I wait? Read a lot of blogs. And their Archives. This is a great way for me to get to know and stalk you. Find out where you usually go. What you usually do. You know, so that I can just SHOW UP!

Fancy meeting you here! Yeah. I hang out at this place ALL the time.

Just kidding. Most Archives are kinda boring (no offense, mine suck, too) & I have more important things to do. Like up my Freecell statistic. Right now I'm at 82% success rate with 927 wins & 210 losses. Wonder if there's a Freecell Championship. I could maybe win that. Just like I could probably win a Golden Girls Trivia Challenge. Anyhow, if you don't know what Freecell is, you should find out. And then you could get addicted. Really, it takes close to no skill. All you have to do is point & click. I've included a picture of what it looks like when you win. This awesome king guy congratulates you. Sweet.

Okay, well, since you really can't get those last 2 minutes of your life back, I'll stop now. But before I go, I'm going to highly recommend the new Beth Orton disc. It's really pretty.

Monday, March 20, 2006

Mission: Glow Little Glow Worm Glimmer Glimmer

It's HERE! Spring is here. Here. And everywhere else in the Northern Hemisphere. Know what this means?

No more sleeping in on the weekends, burying myself in blankets until noon with Merlin tucked neatly under my arm. Nosireebob, it's coming up on TENNIS TIME! And the best part of tennis season, if I do say so myself, since they haven't yet put up those pesky nets that do nothing but get in the way.

X-TREME TENNIS. Know what else?

Thunderstorms! You know what's fun during a thunderstorm? Pretending like all of the electricity is out & using candles & flashlights & telling ghost stories (mine are all lame because I don't like scary anything so they all have happy endings with friendly ghosts who become friends with the people, kinda like Beetlejuice), eventually, peacefully falling asleep to the trickle of rain pouring off of the roof. And once it gets warm outside stomping through the puddles or going to The Point & watching rain & lightning roll in.

Mmmm...Spring, I missed you.

But in the meantime, anticipating the arrival of 60 degree days, still living with 40's (if we're lucky), I have decided to get in all of the lazy, lulling around, watching movies as I can. See: this weekend.

Growing up, we used to spend the weekend at my dad's in Oak Park. These were awesome weekends filled with whatever we wanted to do, hanging out in the city, going to music festivals, making homemade pizza, eating brownies, playing with his kitties (Dashiel & Sam), doing gymnastics on the shag carpeting in his basement & having zero responsibility. We took lots of silly pictures & watched lots of silly television. It was a silly good time. Some of the movies we watched were pretty obscure (or at least for 9 year olds). At mom's we only watched The Muppets Take Manhattan (still an awesome movie), Top Gun (go back & watch it when you're older, it's kind of weird) & Mannequin (Andrew McCarthy & Kim Catrall!) but at dad's we could watch Eddie Murphy standup, Killer Klowns from Outer Space (previously mentioned) & I got my first taste of what is still one of my very favorite televisions shows...Police Squad.
You know, the early 80's show with Leslie Nielson? Where the guest star is killed in the credits? And it's like The Naked Gun but better? I've looked around a little bit but have found nothing. Not on Netflix. Not on Hmmmppphhh... That is why this is now my decided mission for the rest of cold weather. Step One: Find complete Police Squad set. Step Two: Put in VCR (not yet on DVD, apparently) Step Three: Eat brownies & laugh. Simple enough, right? So if anyone in Chicago has seen these around in a video store, please let me know. I'd really like to fill a day with this. I'll bake you brownies!

Wednesday, March 15, 2006

Happy Pi Day (one day late)

You know what's the worst?



Getting lemon juice in a papercut?

Close second. Coming into the office & everybody's in a bad mood.

Oh yeah? I'm sticking with Rupaul.

You better work.

The sun is shining & although it's still a bit chilly & I didn't exactly skip to work, today's a good day for many, many reasons. Or so I thought before getting here. As soon as I entered the office, I realized that it's apparently 'don't smile or say hello or be anything but gloom & doom' day. Yes, March sucks. But please, leave it at home. Thanks! could I cheer everybody up? Trivia always cheers everybody up!

Trivia time:
Question: If you lived in Europe, what would you use as a numerically express Pi? (The US uses 3.14..., many countries in Europe more commonly use this)

Prize: Quesadilla & ice cream

Why: Because that's what I'm eating for dinner tonight.

p.s. Thank you Pantasaurus for the A Softer World link!

Tuesday, March 14, 2006

We are Young, Heartache to Heartache We Stand

My Dearest Jaimie-Boo,

Thank you for everything. See you this summer. Miss you already. Maybe Pat Benetar will follow me to Scotland.

All My Love,

p.s. strong free bird.

Sunday, March 12, 2006

When the Day that Lies Ahead of Me Seems Impossible to Face

Lately I've given into indulging myself in depressing reading. Having put down The Confederacy of Dunces, feeling like it'd be much more fulfilling at The Point or under a tree in the park across the street, my instincts found me at Samuel Beckett. Not all that surprising since this happens every year around the same time. The winter has gotten boring. And the neighbors are trying their part at water torture with the metronome going without any sort of accompaniment. When the this season first rolls around I'm excited about snuggling into flannel and fleece, watching movies and eating popcorn on Saturday nights and taking hot, lavendar baths, but by the end get sick of it, looking longingly at the skirts and sundresses hanging in my closet & actually wanting to shave my legs everyday. Note to self: buy stock in Skintastic, sell before October.

Despite all best intentions, this happens every year. This particular winter included an almost part time job dancing and spending as much time as possible with one miss Jaimers. Maybe giving into complete hibernation would alleviate the situation. And I know that I'm not the only one. Talking with fellow Chicagoans, they seem to be dealing with the same. We all get bags under our eyes, more obvious in the contrast of our now pastey skin. In my opinion the best way to describe this is 'blah'. Many of you know, having a list of things to do but unmotivated to do anything. Some may call it depression, I call it February and March.

Maybe it's god's idea of a joke. The warm days are cloudy & misty. The sunny days are cold with a wind that makes my eyes tear on the way to work.

But as a fan of challenges (see: most men I've dated), I'm not about to take this lying down. Some tricks I've tried have panned out as nothing but a distraction but one, in particular, magically brings me out of the duldrum life & reminds me that 'uh, okay', vocalized monotonly, is not the only response to questions and is unacceptable.

5 things that make this day wonderful:
1. Merlin snuggling under my arm while I napped this afternoon
2. Having breakfast with mom this morning
3. The tulips poking their heads out of the ground, promising me 2 weeks of absolute splendor walking to work
4. The Vitamin D from sitting out on the balcony
5. Watching Peter Sellars trip over carpets in The Pink Panther this evening

Wow. Didn't take that much to smile. Bill Withers just came on iTunes. Time to sit back with a cup of tea.

Thursday, March 09, 2006

Adventures at the DMV

So this week was looking like it was going from bad to worse. Monday when I was doing my laundry somebody took my clothes out of the dryer when they were still wet & used my dry time for their own. It's a longer story than that but not very interesting. I will say, though, that a certain someone-I-don't-know's underpants almost got thrown onto the floor & put back into the dryer. That'll teach 'em without them ever knowing.

Also it's 'that time of the year' when I have a bunch of Progress Reports due & one of them is with this 80 year old professor who, it's decided, tries to make people's lives miserable. Remember, the same one that yelled at me until I cried last year. I'm still confused as to what I'd done wrong. Oh well.

And THEN I had to go to the DMV.

You know what the DMV is, right? The Department of Motor Vehicles. Marge Simpson's sisters work there (in cartoonland, that is). So I left work an hour early to beat the mad DMV rush. On the way there I did things to psych myself up like sing to the radio, eat a bunch of sugar & make up cheers about how much I LOOOOVE the DMV.


Pulling through the parking lot I came up with observation #1: I have never seen more cars in worse shape in one place in my life. The whole parking lot reeked of burning rubber & oil. At first I thought maybe the Bookmobile had sprung a leak or something but low & behold it was a couple of the other cars. Seriously, there was more than one car with wire & duct tape holding the bumper on.

Upon entering, I made it up to the counter where I told them what I needed. At that point I quickly realized that the skirt that I wore would do absolutely nothing to get my ass out of there quicker since it had a very strict Numbered Ticket System.

Foiled again.

What to do in a large group of people like this? Read the book that I brought? No. Stare at all the other people in the DMV? Ding. This brought on Observation #2: The DMV may be the closest thing to the perfect population cross section. Seriously, everybody has to go there. It was great. I now want to go back to school for the sociology of the DMV. That thesis would write itself!

Number 34!

Oop! That's me! With sugar in my veins & stories about the people there racing through my mind, I charged up to the counter. The nice lady there greeted me with a smile & asked me what I needed. Change of address. She went into the system & started changing stuff. New address? Merlin's Palace. Organ donor? Take 'em all. Voter registration? Yes please! And then there was a glitch. Uh oh! So the manager man came over & started to fix it & ask me the same questions. Address? Merlin's Palace. City? Chicago. State? (there was a bit of a pause here because I was stunned at his question, considering not only do I not know of another Chicago, but also that I was at an ILLINOIS DMV) Illinois. All done at Station #1, a few more to go.

While waiting for my new license the Screaming Child demographic & Dude Talking Entirely Too Loud in Public on his Cell Phone demographic showed their faces. Poor kid really wanted apple juice. But dude, the dude on the phone. He might have been my favorite. Not thinking that little whitey would understand Spanish, he very audibly was telling someone how he nailed some chick the night before. Sweet. Porn at the DMV. I concealed my giggles behind On the Road. (fitting, huh?) Then comes Observation #3: Not only is every socioeconomic group represented (& quite close to proper statistics, I might add), we are all on a level playing field. Thus, I now have the feeling that the DMV is the closest to equal treatment that I've ever witnessed. Nobody's bending over backwards for anyone, nor are people being treated worse than anyone else, either. I wonder if this is what Pergatory's like. Well, without the industrial carpet. There's NO WAY that Pergatory has industrial carpet.

On my way out, I walked with a bouncey gait, past the poorly attached bumpers, smell of burning rubber & newly 16 year olds wanting to pass this test more than any other they have ever taken so that they could, at last, be kind of free, to the Bookmobile.

Hi Bookmobile, I missed you. Let's go pick up Jaimers & find a tattoo parlor.

Tuesday, March 07, 2006

Behold...the fat suit

Hi there everybody! This week's really busy so far so I haven't had a chance to tell you all about Chidittybangbang. Guess what? It was really superfun. And such a total success.

Early early on Saturday morning I received a call.

From God?

No! From Jake! (remember Jake from way back & how he has those rad leather pants & I wanna call him Sid & he's gone with Con & I to The Falcon a bunch?)

"You ready?"

"For what?"

"Chidittyfun, dumdum!"

"Oh, yeah. Gimme a couple minutes."

"You haven't showered yet, have you?"

"Yeah I have."


"Okay, but just give me 20 minutes & I'll be ready, promise!"

23 minutes later we were on our way up to that effed up Milwaukee(sp?)/Damen/North intersection where I lost my car after the Delgados show last year & wandered around for like 25 minutes pretending I knew where I was going.

We set it all up & waited. But we didn't have too wait long because woah nelly, people started showing up before registration. One team, two teams, 17 teams, 21 teams!!!!! There were biohazard people & cowboys & pirates & matching speedos & a wedding peoples & hawaiian shirts (i got leied!) & tons of groups that I just have no idea what they were but they were really really fun & TEAM DOUBLE DARE!!!!!!

Omigosh, it was like Halloween but everybody dressed up & nobody said 'ha ha, I'm myself, get it?!?!'. And the bell went off & the teams were off, racing down Damen with their shopping carts & pullers & mushers. Quite the sight. At the first checkpoint I was yelling directions & who comes racing down the street but my good pal, Jen! I hadn't seen her since a frat party at Purdue back about 7 years ago. Wow, she looks great & we were jumping up & down like girls do & screaming & stuff & like 'omg i tooooootally missed you!!!!!!!!!'.

And then the racers left the Phyllis' & headed to Club Lucky & eventually to The Hideout where everybody danced around & drank & took pictures & it was so much like an apres ski (but without skiing, just the drinking at 2 p.m. in the sun part). And the best part was that it wasn't just a good idea of how to have fun in Chicago in the winter, it was a food drive & a successful one at that.

Total=923 pounds of non-perishable food!!!!!

So that was big & after it was over, a bunch of us got some burritos, went to Jimmy's & passed out from exhaustion & drunkenness. Good times!

Friday, March 03, 2006

Broken Record


Last night marked the final Chiditawha meeting. You know what meetings are good for? Taking twice the necessary time & accomplishing a fraction of the items on a list. Not surprisingly, last night's meeting was way more productive than the average meeting. This is because we have absolutely no time left to do anything.

If it's not done now, I guess it wasn't that important.

And although like most meetings (see: okay, seriously, we could have been done over an hour ago), it was quite entertaining.

First, one of the guys that was there managed to offend me twice within 45 seconds. The initial stab to the gut was during the tee shirt conversation. The guys ordering them assumed that all larges would be just fine. (On another note...what is this all Large shirts conspiracy. It's like you want the wee people to either swim in clothing or go without) I requested that we offer all sizes because we can't all fit into the same size. To this Mr. I Speak Before I Think blurted out, well, you'd be okay in a large, maybe a medium. Not terribly offensive because I'm by no means a stick but if he'd have taken to 2 seconds to look at the width of my shoulders, he would have noticed that it's not medium and certainly not large. (note to boys: if you think 'large' say 'medium') Then Infinite Jest got brought up & about 10 seconds into this conversation Mr. I Speak Before I Think mentioned that Wallace is from Normal, IL. And then proceeded to say that nothing good came out of Normal & that everyone there or from there is crazy. Ahem, I grew up there. Thanks, dude. During a cigarette break the same guy was trying to convince me that the alphabet is evil. me: Uh, aren't you a writer, guy? him: Yeah.

But before that happened, I met quite possibly the most annoying type of human to ever roam the earth. Dude with a Million Degrees and None too Humble to Make Sure You Know He Knows EVERYTHING. Yep, ran into that guy last night too. Of course he had his LLD, MD, PhD & a few more. Currently, he's staying on the hosts' couch because well, a number of reasons...he's looking for a job, he's too moral to just go into anything, he's very important because he's a forensic psychiatrist. Yep, forensic psychiatry, which I was lucky enough to hear all about last night. In all honesty, it's quite an interesting subject. The manner in which he spoke, however, oozed bitterness & superiority complex. Also, in I Have a Million Degrees Land it's socially acceptable to pour someone a beer & then pour some of it into your own glass about 15 minutes later when you want more & they are apparently not drinking fast enough. The sassy part of me wanted oh so badly to look up from sanding & say 'oh yeah, so seems like you're doing pretty well for yourself. congratulations! and by the way, when was the last time you got laid?' (not that I have much room to talk)

So I guess that's it. The Race is on. Only thing left to do is sew the fat suit.

p.s. Confid to Sean: expect a drunk dial at about 5 p.m. CST on Saturday.