ardent bullshit comes down every faultline gushing heavily into jest kindly luscious melons nodding openly post quakes resting still to undermind various wonderous xylophones yawning zealously

Monday, April 03, 2006

Comfort of Strangers

I'd like to say that this weekend turned out so incredibly busy that I don't know where it went. That would be a lie. It went to sleep. Like a lot of people, when I feel stressed I sleep. Sleep sleep sleep. When I was a little kid mom knew when my ears had infections because I'd sleep. All the time. And a couple times while I slept my eardrums ripped. It was pretty gross waking up to blood all over your pillow. And now I have some hearing loss so I have to look at you to understand you & a lot of times when I didn't hear you I really didn't. Sometimes I use this to my advantage & "can't understand" what someone is saying to me in a crowded bar & just want them to not talk to me anymore.

Wait, what?

But the weird part was that for the first time in 2 years (other than random couch surfing nights), I slept alone. I don't like sleeping alone. But I won't have to sleep alone on Friday night because I will have Connor with me. Yep. My long lost love is back. He never really went anywhere but now we get to spend all of Friday & Saturday together. Yay!

But that I slept all weekend, that's not all true. I did some stuff. On Saturday a very sweet friend, in an attempt to cheer me up took me to a nickel arcade. For real, this place's games run off of nickels. And Pac Man & Tetris are free. FREE!!! So we played skeeball for like an hour & got all of these tickets. That's the best part of skeeball. All of those fun prizes. Deciding is really tough, though. You know? Do I want the chinese fingercuffs or the jumbo glasses or 63 soccerball-shaped erasers or Scooby-doo tattoos? I began to get feverish, hoping I wouldn't make the wrong decision, as I really couldn't go back on it. What if I pick the wrong thing? Would I regret it for the rest of my life? And then I saw it. There was no more need to think about what I would get.

A WHOOPIE CUSHION

This decision was as easy as the one to get cheese on my scrambled eggs earlier that morning. I began concocting a plan. How would I use this hilarious novelty item? It's not like fake dog doodoo where you can just put it anywhere & it causes enormous amounts of laughter. The victim must be unsuspecting. Blind to the knowledge that when they sit down everyone will think that they ripped some serious ass. Since our office chairs are black & don't have cushions in which to hide the fart-producing piece of rubber I decided to put a little twist on it. About an hour & a half into work I blew it up & let her rip, following each "fake fart" with "ooooo, that was a good one" & "oh yeah, I really needed to get that one out" & "uh oh, I think I should visit the john, thank god I brought that extra pair of pants today"!!

I peered out my office door at Nick, who was looking in the general direction, questioningly. When I pulled out the WC he started laughing & looked a little relieved. I'm really excited to have people over & put the WC in my couch. I think it'll bring hours of entertainment. Ha!

So what'd YOU do this weekend? Hope it was fun.

p.s. Beth Orton show...2nite...The Vic...7:30

12 Comments:

Blogger ida gasp said...

That's fantastic. I often see them in the supermarket, and think that I really should buy one, but never do. I think I am now inspired, and perhaps I won't bring it to work, but I will certainly surprise friends, who will love it. Sounds like a really good weekend....go fart-sound making devices (there should be more of them...actually, a friend of mine had a fart machine at her work. It was movement sensitive and used to really upset people when they weren't expecting it to go off).

7:03 PM

 
Blogger P. Diggler said...

Long lost loves are so a thing of the past

11:57 PM

 
Blogger nk said...

I went to a gay rock show, and thought of you.

12:53 AM

 
Blogger J-Mo said...

Nickel Arcade, that's a fantastic idea. And would be great for a date (why do i rate everything on their datability level)

10:11 AM

 
Blogger Captain Bee said...

Chinese fingercuffs are fucking crazy. I can't escape from that shit.

3:27 PM

 
Blogger ica said...

where is this nickel arcade??

also, i move soon. we have to chill in pilsen, fast. how about getting a bite at the lion on friday night??

6:55 PM

 
Blogger kachtus said...

I once bought my brother a remote control fart machine - that Christmas was hilarious. I wonder if he still has it?

7:56 PM

 
Blogger Conti said...

I'm sorry that your ears aren't as good as other humans. But I'm glad that you got to play free Tetris.

10:45 AM

 
Blogger emertron said...

Ida: You won't regret it!

Weldon: hee hee!

NK: Yay!

J-Mo: You're right. And sounds like you need some layage.

Cap'n: They're dangerous.

Jess: It's in Northbrook. Nick wants to go too. We could all go! Also, Friday's a date!!! Hit me up so we can finalize.

Kachtus: You=awesome. Those things are fantastic.

10:48 AM

 
Blogger emertron said...

Conti: Wha?! Thanks!

10:49 AM

 
Blogger Spo said...

free tetris and pacman? is this were we go when we pass to the other side?

5:56 PM

 
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1:05 AM

 

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