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Wednesday, April 26, 2006

Digging in the Dirt

Warning: this is not a funny post. Really. Please quit reading if you do not want to cry for humanity. Also, this began during the day but was finished on Wednesday night. Stupid Mac crap doesn't let me change the time.

Okay, so I wasn't going to write anything about this but it's been really really bothering me since I found out last week at my stepdad's retirement party. One of the most insanely sad & disturbing things I've ever encountered. (weak hearts may be squeamish)

It happened almost a month ago & is technically 'old news', yet I still find it quite strange that I heard nothing of this until very recently, seeing as I grew up in the town right next to Clarendon Hills & still live in Chicago. This news is appalling (too lazy to spell-check tonight). When finding out from a close friend of my mother's (who's son was in the same Sunday school class as the little girl. how, exactly, do you explain this to a child who wonders where his friend is & why they're praying for her?), I immediately began tearing up. How? Why? What? No, you have to be mistaken.

My first experience with monsters was reading about Cathy in East of Eden at 14, doped up from pain meds after my wisdom teeth were extracted. At that point, I figured that since fiction, Steinbeck had taken the human psyche & augmented it's 'evil' side. And although I'd like to say that I've not heard of such a heinus crime until now, the same sentiments were felt when I learned of Matthew Sheppard. Especially distrubed since it happened so close to the campus I attended. For some reason, my subconsious buries these tragedies deep into the recesses of my brain. Oh, I remember them, but the emotions so strongly felt remain covered up. Probably because if I felt this way regularly, humanity would appear, through my eyes, unbearable.

Comfortable with death, not happy about it, but understand that it is necessary, this sort of occurence runs unfathomable through my brain. Did he not want her? What had gone on before this? NO ONE NOTICED ANYTHING????? The monster who did this was an active member on several community boards & described (through the opinion of a few of my parents' friends) as personable, funny & a nice guy. And even on top of someone's character, be it pleasant or abrasive, remains the question of how to grasp that such a terrible thing can occur (attempting to understand what motives that man had are out of the question). Hell, I can't even forcefully give the kittens pills without crying. (side note: the kittens are a little under the weather & that in & of itself is killing me, thus the pills...and the marks on my wrists that look like I've been cutting myself)

Schizophrenia or multiple personalities could be an answer but in this case, I feel near impossible, seeing as a large majority of the time, the aforementioned mental disorders show up in males by the time they've reached their late 20's and there are tell-tale signs of these cerebral malfunctions. Shit, even though I am quite a ways from my own child-bearing, I couldn't imagine that a relative wouldn't have taken her (as if a situation were to arise with my brother that he no longer wanted his child, I would raise it like my own) if for some unbeknownst-to-the-rest-of-the-world reason that the parents wouldn't want the child that they'd raised for the last 8 years, if that meant that she could have grown closer to her 9th birthday.

And to fast forward on the situation, this man's wife is saying that she's going to divorce him. Divorce him? I would have killed the motherfucker. 'Oh, yeah, and I'm filing for a divorce' is definitely not what would go through my head at that point (and keep in mind that I'm not a fan of revenge, really). More like, 'if he comes anywhere near me I'll do to him exactly what he did to my little girl but a million times worse'. Uh, whatthefuck? And the poor brother who will never know what greatness his sister could be to him. Her, in whatever she chose to take on...a doctor, a secretary, a thief, a naval officer, a mom and everything else that she'd be in between...a gymnast, a stoner, a track runner, a football player...whatever. There's an unbreakable bond between siblings that no matter where you end up they're still there & you still love them for themselves. No matter what.

The neighbor's comment also got me. Paraphrased: you don't hear of things like this going on around here. I hope, hope, hope that she didn't mean what I thought she meant. Yes, she lives in an affluent area. Yes, there is very little crime around there. But no no no, this should happen no where. Ever. I kind of feel like writing her & just saying 'hey honey, the bubble, well that's just a figment of your imagination. this can happen anywhere. just because you drive a fancy car & live in a fancy house doesn't mean that you're safe from this sort of atrocity.'

Anyhow, distraught with this & the kittens' vet visit, I stopped by the nearest (& still open) place to get some potting plants, knowing that some sort of calming activity necessary this evening. And thus, a new urban garden is born. Right now it's white & pink snapdragons. The first balcony box was planted & the dirt under my nails feels grounding (yes, Weldon, I used my hands without gloves...thank you for the advice).

So I guess all there is left to do tonight is put Neosporin (currently out of Bactroban) on the cuts & let the night take care of the rest.


Blogger ica said...

wow that's terrible. i hadn't heard of it either. too sick.

it's especially scary because think if you were the wife. she probably didn't see it coming. she was probably with her husband when she found out. she probably had no clue what was going on.

3:03 AM

Blogger emertron said...

Yeah. Maybe. But I think that something's pretty fishy that they left their 8-year-old daughter at home alone. That's effed up. My money's on that the wife had been severely abused, she knew what had happened or at least had an inkling of something going on (even if covered in denial).

3:15 AM

Blogger ica said...

yeah it is weird. but then again, if he was all covered in blood and like TAKE ME TO THE HOSPITAL it might be feasible she would jump in the car and call the neighbor on the way.

i don't know. it is weird all around.

did you ever read about the btk killer? so sick. it made me feel nauseous reading it. he would go murder people then come home and eat dinner with his family. he was an upstanding citizen in all other one had a clue.

8:37 PM

Blogger P. Diggler said...

You can't even try to make sense of a scenario like this, this guy must of just lost it. I think we all get fed-up and blinded by fustration sometimes, but there was obviously a mental breaking point where another personality just popped up and took over. My money is with you Emertron, on this guy being an abusive husband.
Things fall apart.

1:26 AM

Blogger ida gasp said...

It is interesting. Crimes like these (although mass murder) are ther focus of my masters thesis. I am from Hobart, Tasmania, originally. It was 10 years since Port Arthur on the 28th (google port arthur massacre, or martin bryant). We like to consider these crimes to be beyond the realm of the understandable. I don't think they are. I think we can't accept the violent possibilities of human behaviour, and so must relegate these things to the domains of mental illness/some kind of pathology, or as'evil'. I don't believe it is simple. And as a criminologist, let me tell you thast the world of crime/criminal justice is a mess. People are so complex, and the media only ever reports a distilled and often very biased version of events and people. Nothing is ever as straight foward as it seems.

Also, MPD doesn't necessarily exist. There is debate about it within the psych community, but it is rare enough as to be non diagnosable really. But then, American diagnosis of disorders/disease is different to Australian. Have a look at the DSMIV - TR. You'll need to go to a library though. It has a lot about personality disorders.

8:28 PM


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