ardent bullshit comes down every faultline gushing heavily into jest kindly luscious melons nodding openly post quakes resting still to undermind various wonderous xylophones yawning zealously

Wednesday, April 05, 2006

Do you hear that? It's the sound of my heart breaking.

I feel like my worst nightmare is coming true & there's nothing that I can do about it. I mean, I knew that I always had a little bit of a problem but figured it could be classified as a fetish or something. Now I'm a little bit frightened of its potential.

In an attempt to ease myself into getting kittens, I've decided to do a little bit of research on 'The Web', looking up shelters & such. Did you know that shelters have digital cameras? And with these digital cameras are TAKING PICTURES OF THEIR KITTIES?!?!?! Yeah. Totally true. A lot of places have a little picture & then a catchy little blurp like 'tiger is a sweetheart who loves belly rubs and purring on your lap' and of course they don't go on to say it but my mind then continues with 'and obviously no one is loving his belly properly & he really should get belly rubs if he likes them & then no one will want him because they don't want him now & the shelter people will have no choice but to kill him and CAN YOU LIVE KNOWING THAT YOU CONTRIBUTED TO THE KILLING OF A HARMLESS KITTY?????!!!!!'. So there's Tiger.

And then I read the next one & it sounds just as adorable & I want that one too. Okay so Tiger & Fluffy. I was going to get 2 anyway. As you may have assumed, this cycle continues for the next 18 cats (maybe two of them I think could find a better match) and I have then rationalized adopting all of these kitties because odeargod they SHOULD NOT live in cages, thus blowing the entirety of my paycheck on felines. And then there's food. And litter. And love. Because I got them in the first place to give them love. So I'd obviously have to quit working to take care of all of the love that I need to give out, right? And then I'd like never leave my apartment. And because there are about 73 cats living there the whole place reeks of cat, and I do as well. So I finally get a night off from the cats and go out but no one will stand by me because I smell like cat & my friends have all abandoned me because I keep blowing them off because I 'need to spend time with Buster, Muffin, Donald, Greta & Tim tonight' so I end up just going home anyways to sit with the cats & eat ice cream, wallowing in self-pity. Eventually I run out of money & my parents won't help me out because of my very obvious 'cat problem' that started out as a simple liking of kitties & before you know it, we're all living on the street and the animal control people are called & they take all of the kitties back to the shelter.

I'm a CLIT. (Cat Lady In Training)

Are there programs to help you with this sort of thing if you see that there is a potential problem? They have those kinds of programs for booze & heroine & porn & eating & stuff. What about kitty addicts? Where do we go?

I made some really good egg salad last night. Maybe when Conti visits Chicago I will make him some. And then maybe he'll want to marry me because it's so tastey. Hope you make a lot of money, Mike, because I'm gonna want a lot of kitties & they all need rhinestone studded collars from Neiman Marcus.


Blogger Jaysie said...

ok, you are a total CLIT. but that's one vicious cycle you penned there. just be glad you're not a FLIT. i just blogged about my fish. sad and true.

5:29 PM

Blogger Spo said...

you could teach all those cats to do your bidding - then you would no longer feel like the world looked upon you with strange eyes - as the world was yours to own - and anyone that disagreed would get paw slapped by your kitty minions.

5:58 PM

Blogger nk said...

Cat ladies are a little frightening. Just don't let felines stand in the way of boys, and you'll be OK.

6:45 PM

Anonymous Dave said...

I'm a CLIT. (Cat Lady In Training)


9:31 PM

Blogger ida gasp said...

I think I also am a CLIT. I have to have my window open at night, even when I am desperately cold, because my little amn has to get in and out. Often he wakes me up at 4.00am because he wants food, and I just deal with it. He even has his own blog.....that's how bad it is. I don't go anywhere near cat homes or pet stores because I know what would happen.

3:21 AM

Blogger J-Mo said...

They never mention how they shit all over the place, and rip your stuff to shreads and become a menace.

12:56 PM

Blogger Homeperm said...

i know a CLIT. she only has one cat but honestly, i can imagine the other 72. but i didn't know it was a thing. i'm going to email her right now. and i'm going to say 'YOU'RE A CLIT'. genius.

4:50 PM


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