ardent bullshit comes down every faultline gushing heavily into jest kindly luscious melons nodding openly post quakes resting still to undermind various wonderous xylophones yawning zealously

Tuesday, May 30, 2006

Ah Spring


Sneezing, coughing, watery eyes.
Swollen cheekbones don't deny
that we are upon that time of year,
Cottonwoods Cottonwoods, yes, yes, they're here.
My skin is splotchy, my throat is dry.
It looks as if snow is in the sky.
The blossoms, oh yes, they look so pretty.
But don't be fooled they give no pity.
They clog up sewers and suffocate plants.
I heard they're not even liked by the ants.
Odeargod, please someone make this end.
Until that time, Sudafed's my new best friend.
'It's almost over', I keep saying.
But man, those trees just keep a swaying.
Letting the cottonwoods swirl around
Until they finally hit the ground.
Look look, May's over, is that the end me sees?
Here comes June! Oh crap, with all its bees.

Monday, May 29, 2006

24

Chicago=effing hot. No 2 t's there. Hot like fry a goddamn egg on the sidewalk hot.

I met a new friend yesterday.

2 day weekends are complete bullshit.

Someone called me at 3:58 this morning from a 'no number' telephone. Hope my brother's not in jail.

Will you come to the swimming pool with me?

Tuesday, May 23, 2006

Working is the new Slacking at Work

IT'S DONE IT'S DONE IT'S DONE!!!!!!!!!

The editing project I've been working on for the last 3 weeks is D-D-D-DOOOOOOONNNNEEEE!!!

226 pages, edited, formatted, cursed at, lost, found & finally nice, neat & pretty with all of the symbols, italics & bold in place, without a spelling or grammar error.

This calls for a minimum of 2 hot dogs this evening!

Monday, May 22, 2006

What Would We Do, Baby, Without Us?


Woah...where the hell have you been?

Goin' out, getting a part time job, dancing, you know the deal.

Yeah, you've given that 'busy' excuse before & it's been bullshit. Did you actually leave your apartment this weekend?

Yes. I did a bunch of fun stuff.

Okay. Whatever.

You don't believe me? Read on.

Nah. I'm going back to Conti's blog for a while. At least he's funny.

Alright, you know when you get a song stuck in your head & it just won't leave? Why does this happen? Does this happen to everyone? Is it a certain gene? This can turn out all kinds of awesome. Like when you can tune someone out by boppin' along in your head or a friend of yours also knows the lyrics to The Golden Girls & you can sing it together. Likewise, this situation could erupt in to pushing you to the brink of insanity by a) playing a ridiculously annoying song or b) playing a song of which you only have limited knowledge (see: you know one verse or only the chorus or like 3 notes of a song that you know you know but can't seem to put together for more than 3 notes). So for the last week & a half the theme songs to Family Ties & Who's The Boss have been stuck in my head.

There's a Path to Take and a Path Not Taken, the Choice is up to you My Friend

Turns out this problem grew into a monstrous irritation, as I walk through the office humming along to a head visual of a conversion van driving down a tree-lined street.

So how was your weekend? Fun?

This weekend was full of birthday parties over here in the Land of Tron. Friday night included one Julie Lab, the Birthday Party. Ha! It was just like old times, or every Friday at 5:15 sharp, except with balloons & lily of the valleys & singing. And then Saturday night was Jesse's birthday party.

Partytime. Excellent.

Saturday was one of those nights that you really can only handle about once every other month or so. We began the partaaaay at Duffy's, where I counted the number of gaucho pants in the front bar. After my fingers & toes were filled up it got boring so began concentrating on more important things...getting the birthday boy deeeeeerunk. Mission accomplished. So then we went to Smartbar. Woah. Smartbar. We all know what happens at Smartbar. Drunk dancing. Yes, yes, I made a scantily-clad fool of myself by getting down on the dance floor. But ooooooo, did it feel good.

Note to self: Don't do that, it is not attractive.

Wrigleyville dogs provided us with more gyro than I should eat in a month (see: one gyro) & I saw people there that were drunker than me. When I saw them (these 2 girls that were very rude in the bathroom line...yes, I was drunk enough to use the bathroom there) I totally wanted to laugh & say 'hey, i think you guys are even drunker than me', but logic kicked in & said that probably wasn't a good idea & I might end up with a black eye or something if I opened my mouth. And really, once I got my bag of meaty goodness, the only other tempting thing was bed (or the couch, whichever was closer).

Anywhoodle, that's the weekend story. We're hitting up the Sox game tomorrow for some good old fashioned hot-dog-eating, beer-drinking, opponent-team-heckeling fun. Surely at least one good southside El story will come out of that. Hit me up if you wanna come along!

Sha la la la......

Wednesday, May 17, 2006

That's right, sucka!


Hi my name is Emertron & I'm an America's Next Top Model addict...

The problem is that I didn't get my fix tonight & instead had to settle for a recap of the finale. (deep breath, sigh). Granted, I could have made it but that would have meant ruining my favorite skirt (you know, the flowery one). ANTM is huge, but replacing a silk skirt that hugs in just the right places...well, we'll just say that I can handle a recap.

Totally worth it.

This evening included a tutorial of how to get through the NIH electronic submission (more like 'just let me know when you need it done & i'll be here...thus meaning that June 1 will probably be a longer night than anticipated...Jaycie, totes cool, I'm here for you) followed by some julie lab, followed by a freak thunderstorm, followed by 'omigod this skirt is not equip for this weather', followed by finding suitable clothing (and beer drinking), followed by purchasing tobacco products in (in my opinion) a not-quite-suitable-for-the-public attire (see: hotpants).

Spoiler in a second.....

Because Danielle won!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Yay Danielle!!!!!!!! Thank goodness Jade supersillybitch got kicked.

The downside to this is that Joanie, awesome awesome Joanie, didn't get the contract dealio, too. Both were awesome. Why can't there be two winners?!?!?!?

After an hour or so of mourning why two winners is apparently impossible in the land of ANTM, I've become less hysterical. Don't get me wrong, I'm so super excited for Danielle, as there is no possible way of them labotimizing her like they did to Naima & Nicole, thus 'my life as a cover girl actually being interesting. But comeonnow...can't Danielle & Joanie share the covergirlness?!?!

Why can't we all be friends?

In other news: Sunday's performance went quite well. Yay!

Friday, May 12, 2006

News Alert: Kevin Arnold killed DJ Tanner!

Hey there! So the last few weeks have been all about work & rehearsals, so I haven't gotten home before 8, usually more like 10/11 for the last two weeks. Last night was different. The servers were down at work so it was pointless to stay there & no pointed-feet performance rehearsals. Know what that means? PARTY TIME!!! Just kidding. More like SLEEPYTIME!!!

What do you do on a chilly, rainy night at 6:15? Watch crappy television, that's what. Sweet, I hadn't watched crappy tv in like weeks & was due to waste some time. Too lazy to get up & go to the video store, I caught up on the rerun sitcoms & Family Feud. After that I started 'flipping'. You know, 'channel surfing' and before too long I came upon Lifetime, television for women. I'm a woman! Now, I'm not a big fan of Jacqueline Smith or that other lady that's in all of their movies. Last night, though, Candace Cameron was in a movie. 'Eh, may as well give it a try, right?' I grew up with Full House & DJ Tanner is one cool chick. OMG. Then who other than Kevin Arnold (aka Fred Savage) appears on the screen. And it looks like DJ & Kevin are some hot item. (thank god Kevin got rid of Winney/Whiney Cooper, she always pissed me off & treated him like crap...what about the hot blonde girl from French class???) Woah! DJ & Kev 2gether 4ever. But so cute Kevin's different. He seems all 'roided up & crazy-looking. So they're in high school & in love but then some bad stuff starts to happen.

Kevin starts getting violent with DJ and all of DJ's friends (not Kimmy Gibler but that would've been off the hook) are like 'dude, leave him because he's hitting you in public & stuff'. But DJ's like 'it was an accident & he loves me'. DJ probably should have watched What's Love Got To Do With It (The Tina Turner Story) & left Kevin for buddhism. So DJ does finally leave the chump but goes over to his house to give him a hair cut & Kevin's friend "Vince" (the dude that dated Claire in 6 Feet Under!!) & some random girl that looks kind of like Christina Ricci were there & Kev & DJ get into a fight & when he's taking her home he stops by the lake & kills her. Seriously. What a psycho Kevin is.

So they're searching for DJ because she's 'missing' (but really at the bottom of the lake) & they finally figure it out that Kevin killed her. Kevin has to go to court & his judge is none other than Sally Jesse Raphael (I shit you not!). So he gets a lifetime without parole & then Sally Jesse makes this speech (just like she does at the end of her shows) about how violence against your boyfriend/girlfriend is illegal & is anyone else in here getting beat up by their boy/girlfriend.

So learned important lessons last night. First, Sally Jesse has non-red glasses. Second, that Lifetime's for more than just The Golden Girls. And finally, Candace Cameron & I had the SAME hairstyle in 1994. Crazy!

Wednesday, May 10, 2006

Oh Fun Key Bay Bee

Did you know that there is NO National Space Ghost Day?!?!?! We have a whole Administrators' Week (lame) but not one day solely devoted to Space Ghost, Zorak & Brak. So check this out, turns out I can tap into my buddy, Josh's, iTunes Library through the network at the university. And guess what I found?! Rock Lobster and Let's Go Bowling and an ENTIRE SPACE GHOST SECTION!!! And I'm now remembering just how effing weird the Space Ghost Show was.

Wow. This is going to make editing biosketches much much much more fun.

Tuesday, May 09, 2006

But for now we are young let us lay in the sun and count every beautiful thing we can see


Once upon a time 2 kittens were born on the 19th of January in the year 2006 (Roman Calendar). And some twelve weeks later a young cat lady drove The Bookmobile all the way to Rockford to fetch them and bring them to their new home on the southside of Chicago. But you already know all of this.

As soon as she got them, she knew that their cuteness & sweetness should not be kept to herself but shared with others, as to make people smile & the kittens loved as much as possible. The young cat lady, we'll call her Tron from here on out, began planning a Kittenwarming party (see: just another excuse to make a big dinner & spend the evening with close friends laughing, dancing and drinking). What to make? What to wear? How should the kittens be dressed? In little bowties & cumberbunds?

Spanish cuisine was decided on, as the kittens speak French & the French don't think so highly of the Spanish & the irony (& sillyness) of having a Kittenwarming all together. Well, and Tron had an itching for some paella & manchego & serrano ham with toasted bread & a sangria buzz.

The groceries bought & recipes looked over, people began arriving at 8:30 in the evening and the festivities began. The tapas came out for the guests to nibble on while two kinds of paella were being prepared (veggie & seafood).

It was quite obvious that Henry was quite fond of Melanie.


And Jaycie.


And George began whoring on a random.


And Jesse acted as a jungle gym for George.

And they discovered that Henry likes Manchego, too. (note: Tron was not so happy about Henry eating the residual cheese off of Farrah's hand but figured it was like when parents let their kids get drunk at their high school graduations, you know, special)

And then George got jealous & wanted Farrah's attention, too.

And then there was a kitten pass off.

And it was Henry's bedtime.

And then they heard a scream from the balcony. Seconds later the front door opened and slammed. Within a minute Physics John called to let them know that someone was mugged across the street from the apartment and that he & Kim fled the apartment in an attempt to help the victim and chase down the muggers. 'Please bring wet paper towels.' Tron & Etro hurried downstairs (smelling the distinct odor of natural gas in the foyer, a smell so think it almost made them choke...which HAD NOT come from either of them) to find the scene. The gentleman who was attacked had his wallet stolen & blood coming from his face. The troop (consisting of partygoers and onlookers) consoled the gentleman until the police arrived.

At that point, it was obvious that a gas leak had sprung from one of the apartment complexes on the block, as the stench permeated all over the street. The local gas provider/monopoly informed Etro upon calling that more than a dozen complaints had been filed. People's Energy was already on top of their shit.

After all of the excitement the party raged on for a couple more hours until George indicated that it was way past bedtime & the wonderful Kittenwarming came to an end.

I thought of you today, I wished it was yesterday morning

Tuesday Morning: a short narrative.

As usual, running late. You see, it's just so difficult to get out of bed with two adorable little furballs cuddling up, purring & then playing with them, throwing their little mice & giggling as they hop to & fro, tossing the mice around, to finally pick them up in their mouths & scamper away. Ha! Scamper.

So I'm running through my apartment while dressing (after a RECORD 3 MINUTE SHOWER mind you!!!)...grabbing ballet gear, pulling down my bangs & throwing my hair into a bun. Brush teeth (dear Sonicare...I (heart) you). Feed kitties. Grab lunch. Grab backpack. "Love you!". And the race begins. I check my time & I have 6 minutes before I'm late. Walk fast. Walk fast. 'Hmmm...I thought it was supposed to be cold & crappy out today. Yay! Warm & humid. Better than cold & crappy'.

Doot dee doo.

Usually about this time I start wondering where all of the other sidewalkwalkers are going & smile at the passerbyers. 'Hey. That dude just totally looked at me so messed up & I was smiling at him. I don't have anything in my teeth, I just brushed them.' I thought to myself as some guy gave me this half look of disgust, half smirk. Curious.

Almost to work I start the half-block-away preparation. Tossle bangs. Pull out key card. Straighten skirt. 'Woah. The back of the skirt I'm wearing today moved to the front of my body. Ha...' and that's when I stopped dead in my tracks & realized just why that dude on the street looked at me all effeduplike. I forgot to zip my skirt this morning. Oh, I snapped & clasped it. But ceased to zip it up, showing everyone that wanted to see that yes, yes, I was wearing striped underpants.

Awesome.

Stay tuned for a photoblog of the kittenwarming party.

Thursday, May 04, 2006

The clock strikes upon the hour and my heart begins to fade

You know what happens when you rest for a weekend? The whole next week becomes ridiculously productive whether you want it or not. Yeah. Eff you bedtime, I'm gonna do way more than usual past 10:30. Like laundry, on a Tuesday night. So for the first time in 8 months I hauled clothes & the like over to The Plaza (wha?) to spend entirely too much money on washing machines & dryers. (note: usually laundry goes to my parents' house...hi mommy! wanna pretend like i'm in college again?)

The beauty of the laundromat (if I dare say beauty & laundromat in the same sentence) is as follows...

First, usually there are kids at the laundromat with their parents. And kids are supercute & they smile at you when you wave at them. And the parents (at least at The Plaza) are totally cool with you waving at their kid & smiling back. Which, in turn, makes you melt like butter on a hot surface & the world turns into a much happier place.

Second, you can get an enormous amount of clothing washed & dryed in a small amount of time.

Third, The Plaza's laundromat plays old MJ, Stevie, Whitney & Madonna, among others...um hello...how could you NOT be happy listening to that?

Know what else gets done? Potting the plants that have sat for the last week in plastic holderthingies (flats). Woah! And boy oh boy are they ever pretty! The balcony looks like a snapdragon forest now, or maybe a balcony with a bunch of snapdragons on it but whatever.

Phew! All this domestic excitement's pushing towards the well-made bed & make me wonder when I got so much like my moms & aunts.

Tuesday, May 02, 2006

He's a little man in a cat's body.

Mmmmmmmmm....how nice. For the first time in a few months I had no plans for the weekend and took complete advantage of it. Thankfully, the weather completely cooperated by raining, giving me a damn good excuse to stay in jammie pants, listen to Beth Orton & work from home, kittens voraciously purring on my lap.

Oh kittens.

Yeah, I realize that I've written & talked A LOT about them (Henry & George, just in case you didn't get the pronoun reference) lately. About their cuteness & purriness & furriness & George's whoriness (he's a total attention slut) & Henry's sickness (which made me slightly hysterical) & how sweet they are & their playfulness & how fun they are & how I can hold one in each hand & kiss them & hug them, telling them how great they are & how much I love them. Well, anyway, this obsessiveness must end. Now.

I've become like one of those moms who only talks about her kid. And I've not only annoyed the pants off of most friends, I'm beginning to annoy myself. Eek! Hell, I'm even having a kittenwarming party on Saturday night, which is a thinly veiled excuse to cook Spanish food & show off the kittens.

Ha. You freaking loser. A KITTENWARMING? Seriously, you need to get a hobby or something.

I have hobbies.

Get more. Sheesh!

Yeah. But it's so hard to do anything but play & cuddle with those two little furry balls of wonderfulness during my free time.

Okay, seriously. This is just pitiful. You need to get yourself some lovin' or something because at 26, cuddling with kittens should not be the highlight of your night. You can't keep doing this to yourself or you really will end up as the Cat Lady.

Odeargod. You're right. Okay. Starting now (with the exception of the kittenwarming) no more kitten talk. Well, maybe some kitten talk but only when it's really important. Or when they do something really cute. Or, oh shit, I think some major behavior changes are in order. Crap.