ardent bullshit comes down every faultline gushing heavily into jest kindly luscious melons nodding openly post quakes resting still to undermind various wonderous xylophones yawning zealously

Friday, May 12, 2006

News Alert: Kevin Arnold killed DJ Tanner!

Hey there! So the last few weeks have been all about work & rehearsals, so I haven't gotten home before 8, usually more like 10/11 for the last two weeks. Last night was different. The servers were down at work so it was pointless to stay there & no pointed-feet performance rehearsals. Know what that means? PARTY TIME!!! Just kidding. More like SLEEPYTIME!!!

What do you do on a chilly, rainy night at 6:15? Watch crappy television, that's what. Sweet, I hadn't watched crappy tv in like weeks & was due to waste some time. Too lazy to get up & go to the video store, I caught up on the rerun sitcoms & Family Feud. After that I started 'flipping'. You know, 'channel surfing' and before too long I came upon Lifetime, television for women. I'm a woman! Now, I'm not a big fan of Jacqueline Smith or that other lady that's in all of their movies. Last night, though, Candace Cameron was in a movie. 'Eh, may as well give it a try, right?' I grew up with Full House & DJ Tanner is one cool chick. OMG. Then who other than Kevin Arnold (aka Fred Savage) appears on the screen. And it looks like DJ & Kevin are some hot item. (thank god Kevin got rid of Winney/Whiney Cooper, she always pissed me off & treated him like crap...what about the hot blonde girl from French class???) Woah! DJ & Kev 2gether 4ever. But so cute Kevin's different. He seems all 'roided up & crazy-looking. So they're in high school & in love but then some bad stuff starts to happen.

Kevin starts getting violent with DJ and all of DJ's friends (not Kimmy Gibler but that would've been off the hook) are like 'dude, leave him because he's hitting you in public & stuff'. But DJ's like 'it was an accident & he loves me'. DJ probably should have watched What's Love Got To Do With It (The Tina Turner Story) & left Kevin for buddhism. So DJ does finally leave the chump but goes over to his house to give him a hair cut & Kevin's friend "Vince" (the dude that dated Claire in 6 Feet Under!!) & some random girl that looks kind of like Christina Ricci were there & Kev & DJ get into a fight & when he's taking her home he stops by the lake & kills her. Seriously. What a psycho Kevin is.

So they're searching for DJ because she's 'missing' (but really at the bottom of the lake) & they finally figure it out that Kevin killed her. Kevin has to go to court & his judge is none other than Sally Jesse Raphael (I shit you not!). So he gets a lifetime without parole & then Sally Jesse makes this speech (just like she does at the end of her shows) about how violence against your boyfriend/girlfriend is illegal & is anyone else in here getting beat up by their boy/girlfriend.

So learned important lessons last night. First, Sally Jesse has non-red glasses. Second, that Lifetime's for more than just The Golden Girls. And finally, Candace Cameron & I had the SAME hairstyle in 1994. Crazy!

16 Comments:

Blogger Ajax said...

That sounds like a fun afternoon. Too bad I can't watch the Women's Network (I'm male!).

5:18 PM

 
Blogger Captain Bee said...

Best TV capture pics...EVER.

12:43 PM

 
Blogger Captain Bee said...

P.S. I think whoever plays Stephanie Tanner had a bad coke habit for a while, it was on Dateline or something, I would have paid more attention but she was stacked so my attention was diverted.

12:44 PM

 
Blogger Homeperm said...

i have the fullhouse dvds and there are some special factoids in there as a special feature. but THEY DID NOT EVEN HINT THAT CANDICE HAD BEEN IN A MOVIE OF SUCH A GRIPPING QUALITY. that sounds awesome.

plus i liked winnie and wanted to be her. is there an episode where kevin buys her a snowglobe? i wanted kevin to buy me a snowglobe when i was ten. BIG TIME

7:46 PM

 
Blogger Spo said...

Just imagine how pissed off Kevins dad is going to be when he finds out about this!

11:13 AM

 
Blogger lol ror xxors said...

what would their children look like?

5:28 PM

 
Blogger ida gasp said...

shit. I have so much to catch up on!

9:58 PM

 
Blogger J-Mo said...

That sounds like the greatest movie ever.

my thoughts: Winne was hot. Ok so she wasn't as hot as Madeline, but she was really out of Kevin's league. He would have been happier if he could have held on to Winne, and Paul didn't get in his way.

Candace Cameron was hot, but i think the younger sis from Full house turned out hotter. Personaly i always liked six from blossum, but now we're off topic.

I hate that vince guy. I hated him in six feet under (Amazing show) and i've hated him in everything else he's done.

Sally Jesse Raphael...one name short of a modified ninja turtle clan

10:55 AM

 
Blogger Conti said...

wow why don't i own this on DVD?

4:01 PM

 
Blogger Ajax said...

Are we every going to learn your middle name?

Is it...rumplestiltskin?

7:16 PM

 
Blogger emertron said...

Good question Ajax.

Maybe I'll have a contest to see who can guess it. (Knowing persons excluded)

And no. It's not rumplestitskin, buw it'd be cool if it was!

11:29 AM

 
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Anonymous Anonymous said...

Full House was a good TV show, but sometimes struck me as nothing more than a childrens fashion show. My goodness, those girls had the most stylish clothes!

8:48 AM

 

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