ardent bullshit comes down every faultline gushing heavily into jest kindly luscious melons nodding openly post quakes resting still to undermind various wonderous xylophones yawning zealously

Thursday, June 29, 2006

Good Intentions


Look...it's Henry on a dresser!

Monday, June 26, 2006

One of my fav couples


'You know, it's not always easy being me, but I'm the perfect person for the job'-The Divine Miss Farrah

'Well, you better tell her to quit having anal sex with leprechauns'-J^3 (response Farrah told him that one of her friends had pooped a green poop)

Man, I love them individually but especially as a couple. Always such a joy to spend time together.

Wednesday, June 21, 2006

Better Make out a Will


I've come to the conclusion that I'm within the last of my days on earth. A mere weeks before my 27th birthday when I would have been enjoying grilled meat & ice cream cake (fuckers better be getting me ice cream cake or else...sorry, i'm a little testy, i have eaten 2 puddings and 2 crackers in 36 hours). And what about all of those glorious presents that someone else will have to enjoy? Sigh.

So I have this pain. It's not really all that specific, just kind of general abdominal pain which sometimes travels to my lower back. Yeah. I know, weird, huh? It started Sunday night in the middle of the night & I was up like every hour in pain but would roll over & sleep a little more. Figured the Egg Foo Young wasn't sitting well.

Monday morning was pretty painful & I was uncomfortable walking a lot. But hey, I'm a tough chick. No stupid little pain's gonna hold me back, especially from Chicago Pizza & Oven Grinder. After dinner I still felt a little uncomfortable but not TOO bad.

Then Tuesday morning happened. All yesterday entailed was gripping my desk & trying not to cry as dull pain resided in my abdomen & sharp pains pierced my stomach, upper back & random internal organs. I DIDN'T EVEN GO TO BALLET. Everything that I eat hurts more than it's worth. At first I figured that it was the gas leak that was caused when the delivery dudes came out on Saturday & yanked my stove halfway into the kitchen. But the symptoms aren't that close. So I've narrowed it down to 2 things. Either Satan impregnated me on Saturday night ala Rosemary's Baby OR I have a case of the Bird Flu. Because honestly, it really couldn't be anything else. Wait. Maybe I have SARS. OMG. That's it. I have SARS. Great, just great. Oh man, this sucks.

Monday, June 19, 2006

The Devil Drinks Hennessey


Woah. What a weekend. Not to say, necessarily that it was BAD. But it CERTAINLY wasn't fantastic. Wanna know why?

Because fucked up shit went down.

Saturday was supercool until I showed up at the Taste of Randolph. I was waiting for a portapoty when some dude behind me asked if I was the gatekeeper of the Port-o-lets. Here's how it all went down.....'so you gatekeeper over here?', 'uh, nope.', 'but you are of that (points) one', 'yeah i guess kinda' (making a muscle), 'you know just because you're hot doesn't mean you can be a bitch'. Okay, first clue that this dude was fucking tanked was that his vision was obviously impared. Second, that I really was not acting rude & thought I was being pretty nice. Well, after struggling through crowds, hoping that the rest of the people I was to meet would show up like 5 minutes ago, I'd just about had it. My phone rang, I politely said that I would call back, turned around & to actually show him what acting like a bitch is like.

'Pardon me, sir, when I spoke to you a second ago I was NOT acting rudely but now that you've called me a bitch I may as well live up to it. Do expect women to actually want to talk with you, let alone screw you, after you say something like that?'

Yeah. I felt empowered. I felt strong. I felt a little buzzed from the Cosmo that I drank an hour before.

And so the night goes on...The Black Keys...tacos...fun house party...schmale hung out with us & it was SOOOOO awesome to hang out with her...like a drunken idiot, I totally told Ethan what I was getting him for his birthday. Around 4 it was time to go home. So we hopped in a cab & headed back to Lakeview, whizzing through neighborhoods, desperate for bed.

But once we got in the apartment I was all...'dude, there's someone just sitting in the back yard', 'no there's not', 'uh, yeah. either someone's in your back yard or i'm hallucinating'. And sure enough, some random late 30's, early 40's dude in a suit was sitting on one of the chairs. Drinking out of a bottle of Hennessey.

Simply from being anywhere near this man you could tell that he was up to no good. Since neither Ethan or I had ever seen him before, we stopped to find out why he was sitting in the backyard, drinking by himself at 4:00 a.m.

I shit you not, he was sitting there reading a hardcover copy of The Devil's Bible or whatever (& NO it wasn't Satanic Verses, which is fiction, a story). We asked why he was outside & he said that he was staying with friends in the next little building. Oh yeah? Who? Never really got a straight response to that.

He then went on to tell us that Chicago is a piece of shit town. Even further to declare that the Southside of Chicago should be demolished. Burned down. Ridded of. There are poor people who indulge in slovenly, disgusting, lazy acts and they should be extinguished.

My jaw dropped to the ground and my mouth just started moving itself. The man who I never hope to see again smiled a crooked little smile as I ballistically asked him how he could live with himself & who the hell did he think he is? He claimed that he knew & that he was better than everyone else in that area. And by this point I was in tears & Ethan tried to calm me down. Once back in the apartment, I told Ethan that sleeping was not a possibility while that creep was still here. He didn't even have specifics on who he was staying with. And why in god's name was he from New York with an accent suggesting that he was from no where near the NYC area. So Ethan called the cops. And the cops never came. And we woke up Lopez to tell him to lock his window. And called the cops again. And they never came. And again and again. Finally after the 4th call, they showed up. They questioned him. He said he was staying in one of the apartments temporarily. They didn't even ask which one. They claimed that we had no rights and that if he wanted to sit outside, say extremely offensive things & drink Hennessey (although he wasn't a resident) that there was nothing to do. I even tried leveling with the female cop. 'Please lady, just at least write down his name, he is not a safe man'. She said no. So we shut the door & attempted to sleep. For the rest of the night I wouldn't let Ethan leave my side. There was something off. And something very wrong.

And so I will end by saying that I've gotten a ticket for walking through a park at night. Have lost about a half dozen tweezers since September 11, 2001 because of airplane restrictions. Can no longer be sure that someone isn't listening to my telephone conversations. Or that I could wake up in the middle of the night surrounded by police without a warrant.

After this weekend I'm beginning to feel that our government is doing a much better job of persecuting than protecting us.

Tuesday, June 13, 2006

Doot dee doo.


How was your weekend?

I found out that I'm getting ALL NEW APPLIANCES this weekend. Who wants dinner?

Wednesday, June 07, 2006

Surviving Devil Day

Phew! Totally got through 666 a-okay. And while awaiting the whole world to crash all around us, I celebrated in proper fashion...with a date.

Liar.

No. For reals. It was really nice & I ate some delicious food & someone else paid for it.

So did you get some?

Come on now, I'm a proper lady who does proper things in proper ways and am waiting for marriage.

Ha! That's a load of shit. Remember undergrad?

Shut up.

So yeah. Went to Deleece last night for the first time. Deleece=Delish! I HIGHLY recommend the salmon on a bed of leeks on a bed of Chinese sticky black rice circled by a light cream sauce. If you're in Chicago & want some good food, that's fer sher one of the places to find it.

In other news, I got my first sunburn this weekend. And let me tell you, I have a whole lot more sympathy for people who burn all the time.

Rock Lobster.

My fivehead (because of my big forehead...get it?!?!) is beginning to peel & I fear that I will be left with an enormous pastey area on my now 2-shades-darker-than-crayola-white face. There are flakes all over my desk. Gross. Skin flakes.

Oh yeah. And on the way to dinner guess who I saw? P's sister. Yeah, I know. Small world. I think she saw & recognized me before I noticed that it was her & then was looking all over but at me. I thought about saying hi & kind of wish that I had, since she's a nice girl & I hope she's doing well but then thought...hmmmmmm, that'd be a little awkward, you know? Like 'hey howya doin?', 'uh, okay, you?', 'uh, okay' (lingering 5 second silence) 'okay, yeah, um, bye', 'yeah, bye'. I bet that's how the conversation would have gone. All the while being in my head all 'yeah, so I dated your brother for like 2 years & he was living with me but in the end it just didn't work out & he can be an awesome guy & stuff but hey, look at this, I'm on a date and uh, yeah'. And what's superweird is that for some reason P's been stuck in my head for like a week. Like I had a dream that he emailed me. Crazy.

But now I'm overthinking all this stuff like she didn't want to say hi because she hates me or something when she was probably was just scared of my peely fivehead. Whatever. Okay. Time to scratch mosquito bites & peel off skin.

p.s. Picture stolen from westwash.org.

Monday, June 05, 2006

Behind the Cheddar Curtain


A weekend in summary......

Running Out of Time


32 days until my birthday. Hmmmmmm...what to do? Any suggestions?