ardent bullshit comes down every faultline gushing heavily into jest kindly luscious melons nodding openly post quakes resting still to undermind various wonderous xylophones yawning zealously

Monday, June 19, 2006

The Devil Drinks Hennessey

Woah. What a weekend. Not to say, necessarily that it was BAD. But it CERTAINLY wasn't fantastic. Wanna know why?

Because fucked up shit went down.

Saturday was supercool until I showed up at the Taste of Randolph. I was waiting for a portapoty when some dude behind me asked if I was the gatekeeper of the Port-o-lets. Here's how it all went down.....'so you gatekeeper over here?', 'uh, nope.', 'but you are of that (points) one', 'yeah i guess kinda' (making a muscle), 'you know just because you're hot doesn't mean you can be a bitch'. Okay, first clue that this dude was fucking tanked was that his vision was obviously impared. Second, that I really was not acting rude & thought I was being pretty nice. Well, after struggling through crowds, hoping that the rest of the people I was to meet would show up like 5 minutes ago, I'd just about had it. My phone rang, I politely said that I would call back, turned around & to actually show him what acting like a bitch is like.

'Pardon me, sir, when I spoke to you a second ago I was NOT acting rudely but now that you've called me a bitch I may as well live up to it. Do expect women to actually want to talk with you, let alone screw you, after you say something like that?'

Yeah. I felt empowered. I felt strong. I felt a little buzzed from the Cosmo that I drank an hour before.

And so the night goes on...The Black house party...schmale hung out with us & it was SOOOOO awesome to hang out with a drunken idiot, I totally told Ethan what I was getting him for his birthday. Around 4 it was time to go home. So we hopped in a cab & headed back to Lakeview, whizzing through neighborhoods, desperate for bed.

But once we got in the apartment I was all...'dude, there's someone just sitting in the back yard', 'no there's not', 'uh, yeah. either someone's in your back yard or i'm hallucinating'. And sure enough, some random late 30's, early 40's dude in a suit was sitting on one of the chairs. Drinking out of a bottle of Hennessey.

Simply from being anywhere near this man you could tell that he was up to no good. Since neither Ethan or I had ever seen him before, we stopped to find out why he was sitting in the backyard, drinking by himself at 4:00 a.m.

I shit you not, he was sitting there reading a hardcover copy of The Devil's Bible or whatever (& NO it wasn't Satanic Verses, which is fiction, a story). We asked why he was outside & he said that he was staying with friends in the next little building. Oh yeah? Who? Never really got a straight response to that.

He then went on to tell us that Chicago is a piece of shit town. Even further to declare that the Southside of Chicago should be demolished. Burned down. Ridded of. There are poor people who indulge in slovenly, disgusting, lazy acts and they should be extinguished.

My jaw dropped to the ground and my mouth just started moving itself. The man who I never hope to see again smiled a crooked little smile as I ballistically asked him how he could live with himself & who the hell did he think he is? He claimed that he knew & that he was better than everyone else in that area. And by this point I was in tears & Ethan tried to calm me down. Once back in the apartment, I told Ethan that sleeping was not a possibility while that creep was still here. He didn't even have specifics on who he was staying with. And why in god's name was he from New York with an accent suggesting that he was from no where near the NYC area. So Ethan called the cops. And the cops never came. And we woke up Lopez to tell him to lock his window. And called the cops again. And they never came. And again and again. Finally after the 4th call, they showed up. They questioned him. He said he was staying in one of the apartments temporarily. They didn't even ask which one. They claimed that we had no rights and that if he wanted to sit outside, say extremely offensive things & drink Hennessey (although he wasn't a resident) that there was nothing to do. I even tried leveling with the female cop. 'Please lady, just at least write down his name, he is not a safe man'. She said no. So we shut the door & attempted to sleep. For the rest of the night I wouldn't let Ethan leave my side. There was something off. And something very wrong.

And so I will end by saying that I've gotten a ticket for walking through a park at night. Have lost about a half dozen tweezers since September 11, 2001 because of airplane restrictions. Can no longer be sure that someone isn't listening to my telephone conversations. Or that I could wake up in the middle of the night surrounded by police without a warrant.

After this weekend I'm beginning to feel that our government is doing a much better job of persecuting than protecting us.


Blogger screetus said...

Eerie is the word!

Couldn't you have just shot him?

10:15 PM

Blogger Marisa said...

Well said. Can I get an amen? (Sorry, lame joke at Devil Dude who would creep me out to no end and make me call my dad.)

1:10 AM

Blogger ica said...

what color skin does he have?

5:22 PM

Blogger Conti said...

What a bizarre weekend...I actually think the port-o-potty thing was more bizarre - who tries to pick someone up there?

Even if it worked out, would you really want to one day say 'I met your mom at a temporary toilet.'

5:37 PM

Blogger Ajax said...

portapotty pickup lines:

"you look like you are ready to take a shit"

"oh man I gotta go so bad"

"could smell worse huh? I've smelled worse"

"you look pretty in that shirt"

12:54 PM


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