ardent bullshit comes down every faultline gushing heavily into jest kindly luscious melons nodding openly post quakes resting still to undermind various wonderous xylophones yawning zealously

Thursday, July 20, 2006

Go Ahead Push Your Luck Find Out How Much Love the World Can Hold

Within the last couple of weeks I've had a chance to sit down & evaluate the different aspects of my life & priorities. The first time that I consciously sat down & made a point to engage in such an activity I had 19 years under my belt. Some of them better than others but really, that is, in my opinion, a terrible way of looking at life. Ups and downs are inevitable. Ultimately, how I choose to deal with such circumstances remains most important.

The Sunday before last I made what turned out to be a bit of a pilgrimage to my mother's home via the Burlington Northern Metra train for the annual Birthday BBQ. Side note: my mom's birthday is 2 days after mine, thus the combination of birthday celebrations. I hadn't taken the train out my mom's in years. Despite the environmental consequences, I drive out to the western suburbs. Quite honestly, for the freedom to leave option. Just as I'd done many many times years before, I crossed over the Adams Street bridge heading west, looking more at the water & buildings than straight ahead. Even to this day, the tall, masculine buildings taunt my eyes into peeking & then draw me in.

I had my camera with me & decided to take a picture. Immediately I realized that I'd taken pictures of that same spot for a photo class 9.5 years before (rounding up to 10 for convenience sake). This thought spurred the foreshadowed 'evaluation'. In the past I'd gone about this sort of thinking in a dour, chore-type manner. More times than not, something negative had occurred & I attempted to find the root of it. This time, though, it began with a smile & a bit different manner of going about attempting to take a step outside to take a look in. I started comparing my life in a then & now fashion.

10 years ago my commute was in the opposite direction. The goal was to reach the city & stay there as long as possible, usually running for the last train to my at that point home trying not to spill my coffee, skipping up & down curbs. Now I'd allocated enough time to make the train, coffee in hand, still skipping up & down the same curbs but looking forward to a calm afternoon in the quiet of the suburbs.

10 years ago I took that same photo in black & white, quite honestly using the excuse to take pictures for a class in order to get out of a half day's worth of school. Now I took the picture to see how I framed it differently, in color, not obsessing over getting the perfect picture, rather framing a memory. (spoiler: the one 10 years ago is much better in terms of photography)

10 years ago I was about to embark on the adventure of going away to college. The first taste of 'freedom', anxiously awaiting what would happen next. Now I'm biding my time where I am because chances are I'll be embarking on another school adventure in about a year. Only this time I will actually know & care about what I study.

10 years ago I thought that my first love would be my last. Now I'm thankful for that love & all of the other love that I've received from boyfriends & lovers and also that I'm now able to distinguish between putting the effort towards working it out because we both want to & trying to work it out because I'm terrified of being alone.

10 years ago there were girls named Katie & Jaimie with whom I'd shared everything & they did with me. We provided a safe place for each other. Now Katie's on her way to marriage. Jaimie's about to embark on an adventure to Japan without a clue as to what she'll be doing. Colleen still plays in the mountains. Jill's research is becoming famous in the field of psychology. Farrah relishes in being spoiled & laughs with one of the heartiest, most comfortable laughs I've ever heard. Nick spouts off pop music references as a 2nd nature & exudes sweetness. I couldn't be happier & more encouraging for all of them. They stay the closest things to my heart & the most supportive people in my life.

10 years ago I did not think that I would speak with my family after I went away. Today I can solidly say that I love them individually, as a whole & wouldn't know what to do if taken out of my life.

I guess this spontaneous exercise reminded me that change doesn't happen instantly but over time & that after it all, most things don't change, it's just easier to recognize those that do. Yes, logical & easy to say but difficult to practice. Also, that when the world seems hopeless & I feel helpless that it too shall pass & everything really will turn out okay. Wish I would have felt that 10 years ago but guess that they were necessary to understand that & not just know it. Hopefully in 10 more years I will be able to say the same things with a smile on my face.

5 Comments:

Blogger Captain Bee said...

Beautiful post.

8:43 PM

 
Anonymous kermit said...

some person whose name i can't remember once said something to the effect of 'we see the world not as it is but as we are'. there is no better way to capture that than by taking a photograph of the same thing years apart.

10:21 PM

 
Blogger Homeperm said...

ten years ago i was in my last year of highschool. thinking back makes my head hurt.

i loved this post by the way.

10:38 PM

 
Blogger Spo said...

very fine post

1:25 PM

 
Blogger Sun Follower said...

Very well said.

9:14 PM

 

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