ardent bullshit comes down every faultline gushing heavily into jest kindly luscious melons nodding openly post quakes resting still to undermind various wonderous xylophones yawning zealously

Tuesday, July 25, 2006


I've never been more ashamed of my name. Wrote to ask if it was a joke but haven't gotten a response back. Suuuuuriously, there are some crazy bitches out there.

Speaking of 'b' words, I'm kinda bored. If you ask me a question I'll do my best to answer it. Unless it's unanswerable & then I'll just make something up.

Blogger won't let me post a picture today. Sorry.


Anonymous Anonymous said...

Random, gratuitious question: Which female celebrities would you nail?

Blammo! Shallow end ahoy.

12:18 PM

Blogger emertron said...

Oh Bee, I expect nothing less. Hhhhhmmmmmm....
Ellen. I know, I know, but hear me out on this one. She keeps getting with all of these really hot women which means that she's got SOMETHING going on. Plus, she's not very feminine so it wouldn't be too much of a stretch. So rather it'd be more of her nailing me.

Lucy Liu. She's just so spunky.

Helena Chritensen. Wicked Game was one hell of a video. And she has the most amazing eyes.


12:56 PM

Blogger erin said...

oh man. that can not be real. i like the vendetta with the girl in the pilates class.

okay here is a question. when are we going to hang out? i have free time.

1:55 PM

Blogger Grampa said...

Form or function?

2:35 PM

Blogger Ajax said...

What is your deal?

2:46 PM

Blogger emertron said...

Erin: NO SHIT!!!!!!!!!!!! If someone pulled that shit I'd totally laugh in their face. But YOU KNOW that there are uberbitches out there that would pull that shit so it does have a shred of possible reality. Whatcha up to this weekend? Friday night we're hitting up HP (friend of mine's coming in), Sat & Sun is Pitchfork. Make it happen.

Grampa: Damn, that's tough. Think I'm gonna have to go with Function, though.

Ajax: Beats me. All I know is that the devil has something to do with it.

3:02 PM

Blogger Electronsean said...

I hope that's real sooo much. Oh man, I totally want a wife to cheat on now!

(you want Canadian citizenship???)

3:04 PM

Blogger emertron said...

ES: Yes, I would like Canadian Citizenship. That one's EASY! Hopefully your future wife will be just as much of an amazing psycho as this girl.

3:31 PM

Blogger emertron said...

Whoops didn't finish.......she hasn't done the Ultimate, though....pull a Lorena Bobbitt on his ass. That'll probably be the made up thing on the last day or something, though.

And if I did marry you for citizenship, there would be MANDATORY cheating.

3:43 PM

Blogger J-Mo said...

What would be your response to finding out your beau was cheating on you

4:11 PM

Blogger Grampa said...

Fate or Freewill?

Sonnet or Haiku?

Pork or Chicken?

Sammiches or Salad?

4:14 PM

Blogger emertron said...

Good one, j-mo:
Feel hurt, cry a little, get very drunk with my girlfriends & bitch about him until I'm convienced that I'm better off without him. Really, when it comes to infidelity (& most issues), it's your ego that hurts. You might be lonely or sad or hurt but time heals all wounds & apparently you weren't meant to be & better he gets it out of the way sooner than later, just that much more time for you to get on with your life.

Ain't no shame in telling your girl friends all of the weird/bad/faked orgasms shit in bed, though, so that you could laugh about it. Oh! And what, exactly, was strange about his penis.

4:19 PM

Blogger emertron said...

1. Fate (when I exercise my freewill I fuck up shit all over the place...try to keep that at bay to some extent)

2. Sonnet (in the spanish language to be exact)

3. Chicken

4. SAMMICHES!!!!! With lots of cheese on them.

4:23 PM

Blogger Grampa said...

#1 - A Haiku about sammiches

In my minute world
mayo shrouds heaven - lunchmeat
I love sammiches

#2 - As for the fate/freewill question: I too have to be careful about trying to impose my will upon the world. It's been proven to me time and again that I actually have very little control over anything. I like to call it the hula-hoop theory. If I stand inside a hula hoop, I have the ability to influence everything inside and no influence on anything outside. That being said, I don't think that life is foreordained in any way. Some people (not to say that you are one) use the fate answer to justify inaction, thinking that well whatever is going to happen will happen and then do nothing to try and better their lives. The thing about life is that you have to be present for it to occur. So, for me, it is always a careful balancing act of trying to show up and be present for my life and keep my own side of the street (hula hoop) clean and not trying to impose my will on, or expect certain things from, the rest of the world.

Man, that's hard. I have to surrender that will thing several (dozen) times a day.

4:35 PM

Anonymous Anonymous said...

The web site you linked to is a marketing tool to promote a television show on Court TV. There are billboards too . . .

4:41 PM

Blogger Will said...

Yeah it's a promotional tool

4:55 PM

Blogger Will said...

oh and on top or on the bottom?

4:59 PM

Blogger emertron said...

Grampa: Awesome haiku!!!!! Now I'm hungry for turkey & miracle whip. Fate/freewill: very very very well put.

Anon: Woah. Thanks duder(ina)!

5:49 PM

Blogger emertron said...

Will: depends on the day.

5:50 PM

Blogger Grampa said...

Is there, in fact, always room for jello?

5:55 PM

Blogger emertron said...

Grampa: according to Bill Cosby, yes.

6:20 PM

Anonymous jimh said...

I feel like a sucker, or a marketing tool, for reading all of that. It did seem fake though, like how in the early posts there were specific precursors to the later stuff. Too neatly arranged. The Pilates newbie stuff was a nice touch though.

6:36 PM

Blogger Sun Follower said...

What's your favorite fast food for a hangover?

7:54 PM

Blogger Marisa said...

I can't believe no-one has asked this yet: What's your middle name?

9:10 PM

Blogger Conti said...

When should I visit CHI?

10:47 PM

Blogger kermit said...

have henry and george had ungodly relations with one another?
(sorry, i have had cat gayness problems of late)

seriously now:
to steal from bernard pivot/james lipton: if there is a god, when you arrive at the pearly gates, what do you think he'll say?

3:18 AM

Blogger emertron said...

Sun follower: A & W (Double bacon cheeseburger & rootbeer float) or anything from Taco Bell. How about you?!

Marisa: nice try sneaky lawyer lady! You'll have to get me drunk for that one. Regardless, you won't believe me & we'll have to call my mom.

Conti: Not September. Not December.

Kermit: Nope. But Maverick & Merlin were fer sher not of the female feline likin' kind. As for the pearly me your best party trick. (I fancy the idea that god's a prankster & likes to be entertained)

11:16 AM

Blogger Conti said...

I was thinking September. Why not September?

12:05 PM

Blogger emertron said...

Conti: Because I'll be in Scotland for a couple weeks & then have a Bachelorette Party the weekend after I get back. Plus, I have an October 1 deadline & start rehearsals for The Nutcracker. And because September is hot as balls in Chicago & October is WAY more bearable. Oooooo! I'm having a party in October, too, that's why.

12:30 PM

Blogger Sun Follower said...

EM, I love A&W, only wish there were more of them in So-Cali (and really, it's the only acceptable root beer with which to make a float). Myself? There's a taco stand near my house - so for me it's two (soft) carne asada and/or chicken tacos and an orange whip - it hits the spot!

1:00 PM

Blogger Grampa said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

1:42 PM

Blogger Grampa said...

Apparently I don't proofread very well before 8 a.m. Let's try this again:

Pork fried rice and wonton soup is the greatest of all hang over cures. Especially when you can only stomach liquids at first, you just sip on the soup. Before long the wonton's go down and then you start to hear to siren song of pork fried ricey goodness.

It's been nearly 3 years since I've had a hangover but, believe me when I say, I know of that which I speak.

1:44 PM

Blogger Grampa said...

Although a Masala Dosa with great gobs of sweet mango chutney is a close second.

1:46 PM

Blogger emertron said...

Thanks for the advice grampa!

2:45 PM

Anonymous elginroots said...

i think that girl is awesome! it will make a good chick lit book in a year or two. if i was married and dude cheated on me i think a billboard would be perfectly acceptable.

4:30 PM

Blogger Homeperm said...

what are you going to scotland for?

7:13 AM

Blogger emertron said...

HP: Good's a belated birthday present. Ethan & I are visiting Glasgow, Edinbourgh, hiking the top half of the Highlands & staying in London for a few nights. We'll be visiting a couple of my friends from high school & hopefully meet up with some people I know from when I summered abroad. I'll be gone Sept 2-16. Excitement level=extreme to the max!

10:38 AM


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