ardent bullshit comes down every faultline gushing heavily into jest kindly luscious melons nodding openly post quakes resting still to undermind various wonderous xylophones yawning zealously

Wednesday, August 09, 2006

I'm Livin' in the Future!

I got a new cell phone last night. Yaaaaaay! I can now pitch the one that's like 3 million years outdated (but only one point five years old because it's the 'free' one that I got back one point five years ago). And by pitch I mean give to an organization that gives cell phones to abused women or the elderly. But first it will sit on my desk for a month and then in a drawer for 3 months or until I clean out that drawer.

Because I'm a genius, I wrote down zero of the telephone numbers stored safely in my old telephone & the Smart Chip I have is decidedly very unsmart & didn't transfer telephone numbers. So I sent out this mass(ive) email to like everybody that I know, except for the ones that I don't like or don't have their email addresses, explaining the situation & asking that they please please please call me or send me or text message me their numbers. Well, turns out that the text message function on the telephone doesn't work! My dad, the old kook, didn't hook it up for that. What a silly dad! What year does he think this is, 1995?!?! But I didn't know this until this morning!

So last night I sat around waiting desperately for telephone numbers, figuring that the calls & emails & text messages would come pouring in because I sent this mass(ive) email to like 33587673213658 people. While I waited I started experimenting with this new technological fun machine. Like putting up a new 'wallpaper'. It's of goldfishes!!! And figuring out which ringtone I would choose. Hhhhhmmmmmm....which sound says 'emertron'? Am I a 'Carribean' kinda gal? Stick with the tried & true Nokia Tune? What exactly does 'Espianoge' sound like? As sat, making pertinent decisions I realized, wow, my telephone hasn't made a peep other than for the purpose of choosing a ringtone.

Nothing.

Nada.

Zip.

Zilch.

What? I don't get it! Why wouldn't people call? If I got a mass(ive) email about a friend getting a new telephone & being a dumbass & not writing down all of the numbers before changing out the unSmart Card I know I'd call immediately in the hopes of being the 1st person inputted. I'd say 'am i first am i first!?!'. Confused, I drank a Micronutrient Juice & watched The Golden Girls (that Betty White just cracks me up!!!). Once 12:30 struck I knew it was hopeless.

Depressed & feeling unloved, I drug my feet down the hall & flopped on my bed, shiny new telephone in hand, & quietly whimpered, warm tears rolling down my face, crying myself to sleep to the lull of 'Coconut.mid'.

20 Comments:

Blogger J-Mo said...

Hahaha I love that picture! I haven't seen it in years.

1:04 PM

 
Anonymous kermit said...

it takes technology to point out to you that people don't like you, you awful and terrible person, you?!

well, you still have us blog-land people, and henry and george.

wait, that's not much of a comfort, is it?

damn it, who would have thought it's so hard to try to be nice and helpful.

1:31 PM

 
Anonymous jimh said...

prtnd ths is a txt mssge wht r u doing txt me bck

3:10 PM

 
Blogger Sun Follower said...

if you e-mail them... they will come.

6:52 PM

 
Blogger Captain Bee said...

I second J-Mo. Emmy, that picture is fucking hilar.

I have a collection of my old ghetto cellphones to rival anybody's.

7:14 PM

 
Anonymous jjj said...

What model phone is it?

11:26 AM

 
Blogger Spo said...

if they sent msg's to you when the system wasn't set up for it then the msg's would of just gone to the twilight zone, never to return

You would only get the msg's that folk sent after you set the service up - so maybe email each person individually and tell em.

12:57 PM

 
Blogger Electronsean said...

actually, that's not true: I once got a text message from somebody who didn't realize I only use a landline. A computer voice came on and said "you have received a text message" and I couldn't understand it because the cmptr ws tryin to read th txt

1:30 PM

 
Blogger Malnurtured Snay said...

Did you remember to turn your phone ON?

4:33 PM

 
Blogger Malnurtured Snay said...

Did you remember to turn your phone ON?

4:33 PM

 
Blogger emertron said...

JMo: Happy to amuse you!

Kermit: Really, all I need is you guys & the kittens (mantra). And tubs of empty frosting eaten with my hands are a nice decorative touch, right?

Jim: I'm actually one of those nerds that writes everything out in text messages. And have been know to capitalize 'I's. Total loser.

Sun: They have

Bee: Don't we all

JJJ: The fuck if i know, it doesn't even have a camera in it. That shit freaks me out.

Spo: Yes, the messages are now in heaven.

Sean: I don't buy it.

Mal: Wait, what? On? I'm confused.

5:49 PM

 
Blogger Grampa said...

Maybe your friends secretly hate you and, together with your cats, they are plotting the overthrow of your frosting empire.

8:03 PM

 
Blogger emertron said...

Grampa: Ha ha! They can't because, you see I don't even LIKE frosting. But ice cream, now THAT'S another story!

9:25 PM

 
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Tronny! You know I would have emailed you or called you with my digits. But you're such an awesome friend that you remembered my number!

11:36 PM

 
Blogger Conti said...

Do you want my digits? I got the email but thought it was a mistake.

3:09 PM

 
Blogger emertron said...

No conti. It was not a mistake. I want to drunk dial you.

3:48 PM

 
Blogger Captain Bee said...

I'm sorry. I can't hate on your KFC bowls after my Dirty Arby's Incident.

1:19 PM

 
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