ardent bullshit comes down every faultline gushing heavily into jest kindly luscious melons nodding openly post quakes resting still to undermind various wonderous xylophones yawning zealously

Friday, August 04, 2006

Rules of the Road


Phew! Hey! Guess what.

What?

I road my bike to work from the northside today.

You mean you finally got off your lazy ass & did some exercise? Didn't you make a promise to yourself never to get up early again in the name of working out after high school swimming?

Yep. And I broke that promise. What do you think of me now? I'm going back on my word. In the name of better health.

You're still a loser.

So this weekend I'm totally booked with parties! I feel so popular. So loved. So saught after.

And what you mean by that is that people invited you to bars to buy them drinks?

Shut up.

No, really, tonight there are like 35778683 million parties going on & tomorrow night there are like 2 but you know what? I don't really feel like going. Wanna know why? Because between last night & this morning I logged in over 30 miles on my bicycle bee boppin' to Caribou & my terribly out of shape legs decided to turn into Jell-O. Oh yeah. And last night I hit a kid. Okay, an adolescent. Yep. Minor collision. Nobody's anywhere close to being hurt. It was an 'on your left' incident. Fucker stopped in the middle of the path perpendicular to the trail. Dumbass. But anyhow, on to the title of this here post..........

1.) 'On your left' means that I am passing you...on your left. If you're not familiar with this phrase, please, learn it. As lately I've noticed that 'on your left' is apparently translated in the brain to commands such as 'turn left immediately' or 'stop your bicyle perpendicular to the trail & stare at me when i give you the finger'.....note to parents: please teach your children this also. I do not want to hit them & will do absolutely everything in my power not to but sometimes there remain no other options. Physics people. Physics.

2.) Confidential to those 4-person peddling thingies that can be rented: please don't take up the whole path. Also, staring at my boobs & peddling straight at me does NOT, in fact, validate reason for a collision.

3.) I realize that biking is fun & can be a social activity. That's one of the reasons that I do it. Please please please, don't take up the entire width of the bike path, though, when traveling in a group unless a. There is NO ONE on the path or b. You don't mind 'um, excuse me....Excuse Me.....EXCUSE ME....GET THE FUCK OUT OF THE WAY!!!!'. Same goes for walkers, roller bladers, etc.

4.) If you drive a car, please check before you fling your door open.

5.) If you are a police officer, the previous rule DOES, if fact, apply to you as well. Also, just because you have a badge does NOT mean that stop signs don't pertain to you.

6.) Bikers.....if you do not plan to follow the normal regulations of traffic (i.e. stop signs & stoplights) expect to get hit. Don't be a dick.

7.) Parents.....busy paths are not the place to teach your children how to ride a bike. Sidewalks, driveways, parking lots & the like provide the safety for your adorable little kids to learn & practice. I do not want to be a danger to them & them to me. Also, when they are experienced enough to ride on paths, keep them close & DO NOT have them ride behind you.

Phew! Thanks for letting me get that off of my chest. Time to go back to waiting on people to get shit to me so that I can do my work & attempting to discover how to sleep with my eyes open.

Album of the Day: The The 'Dusk'

14 Comments:

Blogger Spo said...

you should come to Holland - it seems t be land of bicycle ettiquete - everyone rides a bike - I mean everyone - and I haven't seen one crash, argument or misunderstanding since I got here - they have the sixth sense - the sixth bicylce sense - they all understand the "on my left" rule rather than think it simple hand jiving.

2:06 PM

 
Anonymous jimh said...

I found this hilarious. As for following traffic laws on my bike: stoplights, always. Stop SIGNS, not so much.

2:33 AM

 
Blogger nk said...

I do not follow rules.

4:39 PM

 
Anonymous elginroots said...

is one of the parties on your list ours?

2:06 PM

 
Anonymous Anonymous said...

The spelling police are coming for you, unless you change the error of your ways.

6:37 PM

 
Blogger Sun Follower said...

To err is is her God given human right! :)

7:47 PM

 
Blogger Captain Bee said...

I emailed you a while back about cheap hotels in Chicago. Did you get it?

9:13 PM

 
Blogger Electronsean said...

w00t! go to this:

Bicycle Film Festival
Come have fun!

Thursday August 10th
BFF Opening Party sponsored by Gapers Block
Rodan
1530 N. Milwaukee (Wicker Park)
Chicago
10PM - close
FREE
Projections and music
Come get down with us

Get your movie tickets in advance before the sell out.
http://www.bicyclefilmfestival.com

i'm sure you can pick up some drrty messangers or something!

12:19 PM

 
Blogger Conti said...

do you work at Caribou Coffee?

4:49 PM

 
Blogger emertron said...

Spo: I'm on my way.

Jim: yeah, as long as you check, signs are 'slowable'

NK: oh, i know

Elgin: i'll actually be in elgin that night

Nick: shutup. my spelling is attrocioupwtoihreops.

Sun: you=awesome.

Bee: wrote you back

ES: I'll try!

Conti: no, why? wait, you KNOW where I work, silly!

6:09 PM

 
Blogger screetus said...

That bike in the photo looks really, um, crappy.

9:01 PM

 
Blogger Malnurtured Snay said...

Re: #4. A lot of times cops are responding to calls, but not with lights or sirens (which, I believe, is dictated by the dispatcher). I'm cool with cops running stop signs and stuff because if I was in a position to call them, I'd want them out to me as fast as possible.

Really, though, every problem I have with other drivers comes down to, "You fuckers should learn how to drive."

4:34 PM

 
Blogger emertron said...

Screetus: ha ha ha! Awesome.

Mal: Surely a cop can look before he/she opens his/her door.

10:52 AM

 
Anonymous Anonymous said...

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6:24 PM

 

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