ardent bullshit comes down every faultline gushing heavily into jest kindly luscious melons nodding openly post quakes resting still to undermind various wonderous xylophones yawning zealously

Wednesday, November 29, 2006

Day 3


Since tonight's a busy night, there'll be no time to post at home. So while I wait for a grant that needs to go in tonight I'll update you on the fingernail situation. Yes, you heard right....tonight. I think I might have a heart attack. No just kidding, but I did have an allergic reaction to something either eaten or in the air today. Yeah, it was pretty gross. My lips swelled up & I got really really itchy & I got all rashy. So I drank a lot of water & now I don't itch as much.

Might as well face it, you're allergic to work!

Guess what came in handy? MY LONG FINGERNAILS!!! It felt great. Scratching away. And you know what else happened today? I ran into my crush. Yeah, I can totally still have crushes with a boyfriend. Plus, he's married. Anyhow, he's this really cute & nice doctor that I work with who calls me 'boss'. Ha ha! HE calling ME boss? That's rich.

Who's the Boss?

So I waved at him with my long fingernails. Wonder if he noticed. Probably not because by that time I had a rash & he was probably more concerned with that but you never know.

Oop! Just got the call. Gotta go.

Tuesday, November 28, 2006

Day Two


Upon the request of one miss Jessica, I'd anticipated photographing my nails day by day (good idea Jess!) & freaking the blogosphere out with my dramatically smaller-than-they-should-be hands but my camera has zero battery & I can't find the charger for the life of me. No, seriously, I have these fat, little hands & they frighten even me sometimes & I live with them.

When I was 13 I had a bunch of MRIs & CT Scans & x-rays & stuff because, well, that's a story for another time (let's just say that there was a period in my life when my mom thought I was REALLY clumsy), so all of these doctors kept telling my how I was going to grow & be all tall because my growth plates hadn't grown together. About 5 to 6 more inches is what they said. That was 2 inches ago. When I didn't grow, this pushed me further into the thought that I was adopted. The only one with blue eyes. The only one with brown hair. The only short one. Blue eyes & shortness are recessive genes but brown hair is dominant so how was this possible? What are the odds? But then an off-color sense of humor & love of fart jokes came around & that whole adopted idea went out the window. Since, I've attributed my shattered dreams of becoming a supermodel to my father. Who, of course, appreciates that my joking resentments are directed towards him.

Thanks for all those morning cappuccinos at the age of 3, daddy.

But that's not the issue right now. The issue is fingernails. Fingernails Fingernails Fingernails. There was a close call tonight opening up the box of Kraft dinner (what a wannabe Canuck?). But the universe was on my side. I've debated bringing in my laptop to work since Apple keys are easier to push down. I haven't driven or ridden in a car since the door handles have become a thing of fear. I wonder how my aunt with the most amazing garden I've ever seen keeps it up & have amazing nails. How does she do it? (on a quick sidenote.....does anyone have a pellet gun? because the squirrels have dug up a good quarter of the tulip bulbs I planted....fuckers)

So yeah, I guess it's a full-blown obsession now.

Monday, November 27, 2006

Day One


Since the last 24 hours has spawned an uber-obsession with my fingernails, I felt like I should follow how this mental adventure will go.

And I'm happy to say that so far, so good. As of 9:54 tonight there has been no chipping & no biting. And as precautionary measures, last night, while watching Legally Blonde (shut up, that movie's AWESOME), I became inspired by Elle Woods. No, I'm not going to law school, I'd really rather not have to hate myself. I painted my cute little fingernails pink. Yay! This is the girliest thing that I've done in like 4 days.

So no worries right now. And I'll continue to track the fingernail progression.

Temporary Nail Bloggggg!!!!!

Sunday, November 26, 2006

Goal of the Week


To not chew off my fingernails. I know, sounds simple. Sounds easy. But for a perpetual grow-them-out-until-they're-long-and-then-bite-them type of person, this is hell. Well, maybe not hell, since that's more of like a place where there's trick ice cream (i.e. non-fat iced lactose-intolerant hydrogenated nonmilk) & you have to listen to Michael Bolton & Nicolette Sheridan album on repeat. But you get what I'm getting at.

I figured that last night would be the demise of the nails, peeling 15 lbs of potatoes & all, but nope. Last night we had about 10 people over for a Thanksgiving among close friends and I learned that fried chicken can, in fact, be really good.

So did Georgie & Henry. Bastards.

We cooked lots of food & had pie & fresh-baked cookies & fried chicken & potatoes & stuffing & salad & green beans. And then we decorated the tree & did interpretive dance to the Rad soundtrack.

Send me an angel.

And I remembered how awesome Nick is (as if I could ever forget). But that's not the point. I can't chew my nails off because next weekend is a big deal. Schmale's getting married. Can you believe it? I can but still remember walking to high school together every morning, cheerleading practices & getting late night phone calls in college about whatever problem had come about at 3 a.m.

If you see an enormous red boob & hip conglomeration walking down the street, it's probably me. I'm fronting as a killer tomato.

But really, it's a superformal event & really, I have to say that the dresses aren't bad. And some really important Catholic guy's doing the ceremony. So fingernails are important. And so are manners. That means that I'll have to FCC myself like I did during radio shows. ***damnit.

Regardless of the formality now, I'm still holding her to our plan to sit in a backyard & smoke pot out of corncob bowls as grannies, giving our assortment of grandkids candy.

Okay, time to give Tiffany's more money. Buy stock now, it's about to go up.

Wednesday, November 22, 2006

Henry Putting Out Fires



Tuesday, November 21, 2006

For Meow


Hee hee hee

Monday, November 13, 2006

The First Things I Noticed About You






Hey, you know how I went to Scotland like a million years ago? Yeah, well, sorry about not continuing with that story. There were some mishaps with my computer & the interwebs & humungous storms frying my power adapter thingy. Anyhow, tonight is a special night. The interwebs are cooperating, playing the Damien Shingleton Winter Mix & blogging at the same time. Woah! What an amazing, overpriced machine! I felt inspired. And since it's too late to be practicing fluting, blogging it is. You know, because actually writing in my writing book is entirely too much effort.

And away we go.

Last I left off we were leaving Edinburgh, hungover from the Jazz Bar & having a fantastic night with Marion & Alan, for Glasgow, which we'd been told totally sucked ass. Guess what? Everybody lied.

LIARS!

Glasgow was cool as hell. We walked around the streets & saw the closest being to Quasimoto on the earth & his band on the street. And they were good. Like, really good. Woahzers! More importantly, the next day we left for our hike. We planned this as an important part of the vacation. This would prove the men from the boys & reinforce that I'm a complete sissy girl. Side note: when my parents told me to stay off of a severely broken big toe & I didn't listen because it was the middle of gymnastics season I totally should have listened...the fucker was the most pain of the trip, probably because it was set crooked....supergross! So for all of the kids out there (or their parents) please, stay off of a broken bone. It will come back to haunt you in your later years.

The first night we spent at The Bridge of Orchy. This lovely town & bunkhouse (really, the town was the hotel & bunkhouse. 'so we want some dinner where should we go?' 'well, there's a place about 7 miles from here or here'. Despite slushy muscles from an all-day bus ride we opted for the restaurant in the hotel. Yum yum yum yum. Oh my goodness, was there ever a better steak with a garlic butter sauce over what can only be described as a hash-brown pie piece? The answer...no.

And off we went.

There's really no way to describe it. The highlands are beautiful. But they don't let their beauty show in photography. We covered 35 miles in 3 days. Each day the scenery changed. First heather-covered rolling munros. Then more drastic ups & downs. And finally, forest so dense that light was barely visible through the branches. We ate well & slept soundly (other than the night in the haunted hotel room...no, really). I tried haggis for my first time & realized that it just tastes like corn beef hash (bleck!). Black pudding was disgusting. Scotch was amazing. The third town that we stayed in had a bank (there were no banks up until this point). It stayed open from 11-4 on Thursdays. That same town had a grocery store with signs in both English & Gaelic. The whole time I was enchanted with the experience & enjoyed every moment of it. There really are too many pictures & stories to tell.

So it just was. And I understood what Jaimie was talking about.

Next up: London. Oh shit.

Friday, November 10, 2006

Reeee,er, Reeee,er, Wooo Woooo Wooo Wooo HONK HONK HONK HONK Duuuuuuip Duuuuuuuip Duuuuuuip Duuuuuip


I would argue that some of the most aurally offensive sounds have the word 'alarm' somewhere in their names.

Wednesday, November 08, 2006

Doba Doba Big Fat Doba


I'm stoked. It's model night. We're gonna get pizza.

I'm gonna get kinda drunk.

Yeah, so I was telling a friend of mine that I've been staying in on weeknights & only going out once per weekend. Why this new-found good girl attitude, you may be asking. Well, because I've been working a lot. And unlike my last job I actually have to pay a lot of attention at this one & be all 'on top of things'. Well, that & in order to fit into a bridesmaid dress & a tutu it was either beer or ice cream. Frankly, the only way that ice cream is going is if you pry it out of my cold, dead hands.

But tonight is different. Different how? Different in that I'm gonna let my hair down & I anticipate singing the whole way home from Farrah's. Maybe something like Honey Bun from South Pacific or Tomorrow from Annie. Or maybe something from the Bangles repertoire (sp?). Whatever, it'll be fun.

In other news...guess who puked in a urinal at The Cove this weekend & win a pirate hat.