ardent bullshit comes down every faultline gushing heavily into jest kindly luscious melons nodding openly post quakes resting still to undermind various wonderous xylophones yawning zealously

Tuesday, November 28, 2006

Day Two


Upon the request of one miss Jessica, I'd anticipated photographing my nails day by day (good idea Jess!) & freaking the blogosphere out with my dramatically smaller-than-they-should-be hands but my camera has zero battery & I can't find the charger for the life of me. No, seriously, I have these fat, little hands & they frighten even me sometimes & I live with them.

When I was 13 I had a bunch of MRIs & CT Scans & x-rays & stuff because, well, that's a story for another time (let's just say that there was a period in my life when my mom thought I was REALLY clumsy), so all of these doctors kept telling my how I was going to grow & be all tall because my growth plates hadn't grown together. About 5 to 6 more inches is what they said. That was 2 inches ago. When I didn't grow, this pushed me further into the thought that I was adopted. The only one with blue eyes. The only one with brown hair. The only short one. Blue eyes & shortness are recessive genes but brown hair is dominant so how was this possible? What are the odds? But then an off-color sense of humor & love of fart jokes came around & that whole adopted idea went out the window. Since, I've attributed my shattered dreams of becoming a supermodel to my father. Who, of course, appreciates that my joking resentments are directed towards him.

Thanks for all those morning cappuccinos at the age of 3, daddy.

But that's not the issue right now. The issue is fingernails. Fingernails Fingernails Fingernails. There was a close call tonight opening up the box of Kraft dinner (what a wannabe Canuck?). But the universe was on my side. I've debated bringing in my laptop to work since Apple keys are easier to push down. I haven't driven or ridden in a car since the door handles have become a thing of fear. I wonder how my aunt with the most amazing garden I've ever seen keeps it up & have amazing nails. How does she do it? (on a quick sidenote.....does anyone have a pellet gun? because the squirrels have dug up a good quarter of the tulip bulbs I planted....fuckers)

So yeah, I guess it's a full-blown obsession now.

3 Comments:

Blogger Conti said...

I don't have a pellet guy, I am sorry to say.

5:17 PM

 
Anonymous jessica said...

rubber gloves 24/7, problem solved

11:30 PM

 
Blogger erin said...

i never grew either. i blame gymnastics.

3:26 PM

 

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