ardent bullshit comes down every faultline gushing heavily into jest kindly luscious melons nodding openly post quakes resting still to undermind various wonderous xylophones yawning zealously

Monday, December 25, 2006

Standing on the Edge of the Hoover Dam I'm on the Centerline Right Between Two States of Mind

This year Daddy's Christmas present was a trip to Vegas. Ticket to hell for one!

Last time I visited that horrible place I didn't have very much fun. And sinned a WHOLE lot more. But I guess since Christianity really ain't my thing, it wasn't so big a deal. You know what, though? It's a lot more fun when you go & do stuff rather than getting ridiculously wasted & telling the strippers at a strip club that you're about to get up there & show them how to really dance.

Jussss watch me laaaadieeeessssssss, you can't jusssss walk around a pole. That'sssss not sssssexyyyyy.

We took an helicopter tour of the Grand Canyon & went mini-golfing at this place with real grass & sand pits & breakers & stuff & walked around & went to see the tigers (yay! kitties!!!) & my stepmom & I got along really well & I learned that she & I can talk civily & have stuff in common (already knew this one but it seems like our differences remain WAY more pronounced when my brother's she's trying to prove her dominance or some kind of stupid psychological alpha female shit) when we're one on one & how to play video poker & roulette.

Goodbye retirement!

Yeah. Roulette. How I love you. So much fun when you win. Sucks so bad when you don't. Which is another thing that I learned since I've never really gambled. Honestly, there are far more important things to do with life, such as dance ballet & drink wine & eat really good eggplants.

Anyway, back to learning. I learned a lot on this trip. Like how to lose $100 in 20 minutes....fuck you Paris with your slow, tackily-dressed cocktail waitresses who shoved their boobs in my boyfriend's face when I was right there...he's got some nice, big titties right here & doesn't need yours, that $60 Miller Lite didn't do shit for my goal of not being sober. And while walking around outside on the strip I began to think about what I've learned this year. You know, little tidbits of wisdom. It's really interesting how psychologically fucked up those casino things are & how you really can't think straight in them after like an hour, which is why you have to leave & go out to The Strip to gain a sense of reality. The reality that Vegas is the most fucked up place I've ever been but am beginning to harbor a soft spot in my heart for it.

So here goes.....

The Top 5 Things I've Learned in 2006:

1. At least 50% of the population does not know how to efficiently travel on a path or sidewalk.
For some reason when human beings get on to a sidewalk or path they lose all common sense. Case in point: the 'on your left' incident that ended in a 2 bicycle crash on the Lake Front Path. Dude, 'on your left' does NOT mean 'stop & turn your bicycle perpendicular to the trail'. Also, I was forced off of The Strip on to LV Blvd because, apparently, strollers MUST travel at least 3 wide.....when I gave a dirty look (& I can give some dirty looks, well, constipated looks), the stroller bitches were all 'what?'. Not to mention all of the other crashes or almost crashes caused directly by people walking, bicycling or rollerblading side by side, not allowing a bicycle to go by them. Runners, on the other hand, tend to have this attribute down pat.

2. Asking questions rather than playing along like you know something is a way better route in most cases
Yeah, someone may treat you like you're stupid or say things like 'WHAT?!?!?! YOU DON'T KNOW?!?!?!'. Those people are dicks. Most people appreciate that you asked & are happy to explain & give examples.

3. Kittens grow into their tails
Despite my minimalizing their food & binding their bodies (learned it from The Good Earth), George & Henry have changed from long-tailed kittens into normal-tailed cats. Just kidding about the minimalizing their food & binding their bodies. They've been given the utmost care, and quite possibly a little spoiled. NO! But really, Georgie had this amazingly long tail but now it's normal. Henry's turned rotund & short-tailed. But Henry's smarter so I guess that makes up for it.

4. As many times as you've practiced it, if you space out, it gets fucked up
Imagine That with Emily at the Nutcracker: First show golden. Second show supergolden. Third show.....uh, yeah, superdupergolden until the space out point when I start to turn during the EASIEST part of the dance & realize that I skipped a part. Then I ran backstage after the show & cried to Dar. I've finally realized & understand why performance was & never will be huge part of my future. Thank goodness for the other girl that did a Michael Jackson spin in the middle of the number that distracted them from focusing on me. Not that this particular Nutcracker is crap, since last year I got to sit in the balcony (part of the character) & noticed nothing wrong with what the other girls were crying about. I guess we're all our worst critic. This has happened almost everytime I've gotten on stage or directed. So maybe it's a life lesson.

5. I'm allergic to cats.
I've known this for about 20 years...but denial is a huge force. I love these animals but it's looking like Merlin & Gabby & CC & Maverick & Sammy aren't the only felines that I've reacted to adversely. Georgie & Henry are making me itch like a mo fo. I guess my body gets used to them but after leaving & returning, the first couple days back is not very fun with rashes & scratching & wheezing during the night. Oh well. In 2 or 3 days it'll be okay.

And with that....Maywe Cwithmas.


Anonymous Kyle I said...

Dammit I love that place...sober or loaded. So many pretty lights that make me want to spend my hard earned money. Oh, all of the strippers I've ever seen there are nasty skanks. You can take em'!

7:46 AM

Blogger Grampa said...

I, too, am allergic to cats, but I've found that it is not the cat, per se, but the cat's dander. If you bathe them often and they don't have to lick themselves clean, I think you'll find that there is much less itching.

I used to wash my cats every couple of weeks. Or, after the scars healed from the previous washing.

2:57 PM

Blogger 123Valerie said...

#2 is an excellent lesson, Em.

For the record, you really can't fake your way through a brain surgery. It seemed like such a good idea at the time.

9:57 PM

Anonymous Anonymous said...

But have I ever known it?
hydrocodone addiction

1:00 PM

Blogger Starlet said...

I think in vegas it is wise to stay off the trip because it is like cat dander for cars and you also lose less money if just PAY for the drink...

5:31 AM

Blogger lol ror xxors said...

at least you didn't play 'casino war'.

you also forgot lesson #6: canada is always an option.

10:41 AM

Blogger screetus said...

Damn, that's some reservoir. In the photo, that is.

11:21 PM

Anonymous starlet said...

you totally could have visited my bar and I would have been all over you with drinks and shit because you probably would have been the only person there.

4:22 PM

Anonymous Anonymous said...

Most awesome title from a most excellent song.

1:43 AM


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