ardent bullshit comes down every faultline gushing heavily into jest kindly luscious melons nodding openly post quakes resting still to undermind various wonderous xylophones yawning zealously

Tuesday, May 29, 2007

There's a Second for Everything

Lately, a lot of 'seconds' have happened. You know, like weird things that happen once & then you're all 'that'll never happen again' & then it happens again & the first experience seems to have lost its novelty. Well, because it's not all that special anymore.

My first second was on Saturday. A bachelorette party. And the double double cherry was to see a stripper. More specifically, a 'male revue'. It was at Funk, this underground club. No, really, it's under the ground! So Ginny's getting married on this next Saturday so all us chickadees went out for a party. A girl party. And this place was for seeing naked man body & had a $15 unlimited drinks for 3 hours special.

I'd like 17 Jack & Cokes please!

The last (& first) stripper I saw was at Schmale's bachelorette party and he was nasty. Bleck! Totally gross but like was supposed to be all hot. I was not looking forward to this 'male revue' but Ginny's awesome & it's more about her, right? Plus, we all dressed up all slutty & I had a good excuse to wear the hot shirt (wooooo! hot shirt!). Woah, was I wrong about all strippers being gross. Our first stripper guy was a UPS man! Holy shit, he was hot. We were all screaming & hootin' & hollerin' to him while he was pseudo humping girls while they shoved 20s down his wee underpants. And then the dances went on with other dudes in different costumes & Phoenix (that's the hot dude's name....woah) kept eating $1 bills out of my boobs (only $2 but whatever) and he was all a smooth talker & like 'you're sexy....i want your number' so after he asked twice, I gave him my number. But I think he might have been a little fucked up & really, who's gonna call a cat lady?

Bad girl!!!

But then I found out that he bummed a cigarette from Ginny & I felt totally betrayed. What a whore! Who does he think he is? A hot stripper or something?!?!

But then on Sunday the second second happened. Remember that skin issue that I had in the winter? Like how I was dying of shingles & all the doctor did was give me steroids? Yeah. It's back. I know what you're thinking....that Phoenix dude gave you something. But if that were the case, then the hives would be on my boobs but they're not. It's my knees & feet. So I'm back on the steroid cream & have the strongest skin ever (again) & my mom's all 'tron, you need to go on oral steroids this time'. She's probably right because it's worse & looks just like pictures of hives on the interwebs. So that sucks. Because that means that I'm allergic to something but don't know what it is.

Dear god, it's me emertron, please don't let me be allergic to hot strippers.

I probably should have started with this second because it's the least happy but decided to go chronologically because, well, that's just what I decided to do. My gramma's memorial service is on Saturday morning & directly after the lunch I leave to go to a wedding. Last time I left a death-related service & went to a wedding was one month less 3 years ago. Broken Social Scene's 'Pacific Theme' holds a very strong place in my heart due to that day. I'd left the funeral home & drove east on 111th Street, stuck in traffic. It wasn't yet hot enough to justify air conditioning so the car windows were rolled down & there was a wind in the air enough to cool off the heat. The air drifted through the windows as I listened to that song for the first time. Despite the sad tone in my heart, I caught the happiness of new life beginning. The slow-down in the song came & my arm inched its way out of the driver's side window (doing something that my mother frightened me away from by the threat of losing my arm from another car) and it floated, waved around to the beat, controlled by the force of the outside against the force of my car going forward. And then the drums picked up & the horns sang 'bear bear buuurrr buurr doo doo bear' and I started playing the drums on the steering wheel and tears came uncontrollably from my eyes and laughed with glee. I'd just said goodbye to a woman who less than a year before I watched All My Children with, discussing the wardrobe of daytime television, during my breaks from getting customers food & drinks and gave sincerest blessings to friends who'd found each other within less than 3 hours.

I'm lost on how to wrap this up right now. So I guess I'll just leave it at that.



Blogger iamnot said...

NEVER exchange numbers with hot sweaty half naked gyrating body people!
Next thing you know, she'll be living with you and screwing half the 6th fleet!

Oh wait...that was me.

Never mind.

9:20 AM

Anonymous Anonymous said...

"But I think he might have been a little fucked up & really, who's gonna call a cat lady?

Bad girl!!!"

^ Fucking hilarious.

BTW, $15 all you can drink for 3 hrs? I would drink the place dry, if it wasn't for the naked dudes and all.

11:32 AM

Anonymous Anonymous said...

you put the stripper and the grandma thing in the same post? man now my comment is totally not appropriate any more.

5:00 PM

Anonymous Anonymous said...

oh sorry that was me. jessica

5:01 PM

Blogger parisian cowboy said...

That cat is lovely.

11:56 AM

Anonymous Anonymous said...

there's a second for everything, including me joining myspace. look out for me on there.

4:35 PM

Blogger sarah said...

I really really like your hot stripper story and next time I'm talking to God I will ask Him to make you allergic to something not as awesome instead.

4:36 PM

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