ardent bullshit comes down every faultline gushing heavily into jest kindly luscious melons nodding openly post quakes resting still to undermind various wonderous xylophones yawning zealously

Friday, September 28, 2007

Whole World Turned Upside Down: Quick Note


Uh, what's going on at the FDA? Why do they keep changing the way I categorize food? From ages sperm+egg to about 12 it was the 4 Food Groups. Then all of a sudden, like some sort of dumb gag from my Home Ec teacher in 7th grade, Mrs. Love, it changed over to the Food Pyramid. From the get-go I thought it a very stupid idea. Sweets, such as ice cream, were labeled as 'use sparingly'. Did not like that one bit. Speaking of Mrs. Love, I wonder what ever happened to her. I was going through my old WHMS yearbooks & was all 'woah, that lady tried to fail me & was the only teacher to ever call my mom because i was in trouble, that bitch'. I didn't do so well in Home Ec & she tried to give me a detention because I wouldn't eat the sausage, egg & cheese breakfast casserole (talk about unhealthy!) because I'd given up eating red meat & pork at that point (very advanced middle schooler...ha!). I just think she didn't like a pre-teen responding with 'hey lady, do you want me to puke all over the table?'.

But back to the point, did you know that it got changed again? But nobody can decide. I'm seeing 3 food groups here & 5 over there & someone was claiming 6. What kind of a world are we living in if we can't even agree on food groups? What is going on? Does anyone know the answer to this mystery? Please, help a sista out.

Thursday, September 20, 2007

Um, what?


Fuck you, fucking douche.
You know who you are, assholes.
Burn in hell, fuckhead.

**this is not actually directed at anyone who reads this, so please don't take offense or get paranoid**

Tuesday, September 18, 2007

Chronicles of a Fat Ballerina


Dear Ice Cream,

Hey baby, you know we've had some really amazing times. Like remember when To Russia With Buzz came out? Ah, that was great. Or the first time I got stoned? Who was there for me? You were, at the dining room table with Da Bro laughing our heads off, C.C.C.D. And I recognize that, but I have to say that this just isn't working out for me right now. I love you more than I could ever love anything else. But at this time you're holding me down.

Please don't look at me like that. You'll go on & do just fine. There are a lot of people out there & one of them is bound to love you & want you to love them back. But for now, that just isn't me.

But really, this shouldn't have come as a surprise. You've seen the warning signs. This has happened before and it always ends up the same way. You see, I started dancing again last night and, well, I think it's time that we take a little break. I know you told me not to put on a leotard but I had to. And it wasn't very pretty.

No, there's no one else! How could you accuse me of that?! Well, I mean, yeah, in the meantime I'm not going to keep myself completely celebate. (pause) Oh, you saw the Haagen Daz frozen yogurt in the freezer last night. Well, I didn't mean for you to see that. It's, it's just temporary. It doesn't mean anything. Nothing at all. I swear! It's a rebound.

Oh, don't you DARE pull that Coldstone shit with me! You know those were some very, very special memories. And they mean a lot to me. But for right now, we just, we just can't see each other.

I know, baby, please stop crying. Condensation isn't a good look for you. No, I can't just have one bite, even if you are melting & that will in turn cause freezer burn. Please, find someone else for now who will love you like you deserve to be loved.

This isn't goodbye (sob sob), this is just a break, okay? I'll be back, I promise.

Now please, just go.

Love,
Emertron

Who's that Fine Man Lurking Around Boston?

IT'S GOLDENSTASH!

So.....for the last I dunno how long because obviously it isn't some sort of like 3 week phenomenon someone's been tagging random stationary objects in Boston & surrounding areas. We first noticed it waiting for the 66(6) Bus one evening. It was a cartoon...on an electrical box on Harvard St. Hhhmmmm....that looks like a sticker, I thought. And it is.

Scratch & sniff!

Anyways, nobody (well, no one that's willing to come forward) knows who's doing this but it seems that people are enjoying it. And they're kinda funny. Here's what he looks like.

Turns you on a little bit, doesn't it?

Saturday, September 15, 2007

New Hampshire?!


So I guess what people do around here is leave Boston. Not for good but for the weekend. Following suit, I'm headed up to the White Mountains for the weekend to hike & bike & sit in a jacuzzi(!) & eat a nice dinner in some posh restaurant. It's gonna be pretty awesome. Would say that I'll post pictures but guess what. Camera's still broken.

This unfunny post brought to you by waking up early on Saturday morning & a lack of breakfast.

Thursday, September 13, 2007

Make New Friends but Keep the Old, One is Silver and the Other Gold


Hey guess what?! I have a new friend!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Happy happy happy day. But she's going to Turkey for a month, so in a week I'll be back to Square One.

SQUARE ONE: Talking to grocery store cashiers & baggers for some sort of face to face communication. No, seriously, if this keeps up, I'll soon be 'That Girl Who Likes to Talk A Lot' at the nearest Shaw's & they'll all go run & hide except for creepy fat guy with a skin problem who's kinda gross & I think has a heart of gold because it's not nice to judge but then he gets really weird & oversteps his bounds & I have to find a new grocery store.

Fortunately, my bff's older brother lives in Boston so he has to be my friend. Ha! Really, he's just a sweet as pie guy who acts as the stereotypical older brother. It's adorable. Oh, and he's really really smart, too, so I try to sponge some of his knowledge & brain-power when I see him. So we went to the Art Museum yesterday afternoon & then to dinner. Last night was one of my favorite nights so far.

3 Cheers for Joe!!!

And I've been having all of these discoveries lately, like Columbus. You know, finding something that's neither new nor uncovered to everyone but you. Speaking of which, I have Columbus Day off. Isn't that illegal now or something?

Anyway, here goes:

1. People here add an 'R' on the end of some words that end in a vowel. Example: idea=idear

2. Walking in Boston proper, Allston & Cambridge is faster than driving 83% of the time.

3. Yves Saint Laurent makes the most amazing under-eye cover up stuff I've ever used in my life. This shit is tight.

4. The Neiman Marcus out here does NOT sell cookies. (this was not a happy discovery)

5. Although I've cut out about 2500 calories/week & walk an average of 3 miles/day I am not losing weight.

6. Maybe I should wait 2 weeks before I jump to conclusions about body issues.

7. I can walk from work to the Museum of Fine Art in 10 minutes, Wed-Fri it's open until 9:45 p.m. & their cafe serves a cheese plate with Camembert.

8. We don't get the day after Thanksgiving off. I'll be missing Thanksgiving with my family and my 10 year high school reunion. Only one of these I'm sad about.

9. George & Henry keep getting cuter. I know, seems impossible but it's true.

10. Pretty much every workplace has the same issues.

11. There are a lot of douchebag bars in Allston & Cambridge.

12. The Cellar makes the most delicious fries I've ever eaten. (Rosemary Truffle Fries)

13. Lobster Rolls are as good as the hype.

14. My camera's broken & there are a lot of things that I want to take pictures of.

p.s. If you want a postcard, send me your address.

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Tuesday, September 04, 2007

Blahblahblahhealthinsuranceblahblahblahdentalblahblahblahlifeblahblahblah


Hey dudes! Guess what I got to do today? Orientate myself to my new job!!! Tomorrow's the first big day at the shiny new job place. And I must say, I'm pretty excited because my workspace has a window & I haven't had a window in, well, ever. And I found out today that I'll be getting paid to walk or bike to & from work. Pretty awesome benefit, huh? Once I get like 500 miles I get a $30 gift certificate from REI. I figure that if I walk/bike to & from everyday that I'll have roughly $90 in gift certificates a year from now.

Do the math.

Speaking of math, the downside of the benefits is that we don't get reimbursed more than 50% $3,000/year for classes we take. Boo.

You can't always get what you want.

Speaking of wanting, there's some ice cream in the freezer that has my name all over it. So in the words of Conti.....SEEEE YAAAAAA!

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Monday, September 03, 2007

Truth Be Told, You Weren't My First Choice


About a month ago, Ethan & I went on a little trip to Boston, MA, to find an apartment & scope around the city. Ethan got into BC Law with a pretty kick ass scholarship & decided on that over UC-Davis. I figured that since I wasn't really doing anything, a move might be kinda good. By that point, I'd given my 4 weeks notice (unless I detested the city & then would have begged & pleaded to stay in my job). Little did I know that upon exiting the plane at Logan, I'd have to put on a suit & tromp through the city in 90 degrees of hills on my way to the job that I begin on Tuesday. Let's keep our fingers crossed that I won't have to work nearly as much here. Work hard? Yes. Work more than 40 hours/week? No thank you.

Anywhoodley doodely, after the interview I had an appointment to go look at some of the rental prospects around & about. So off I went to peak around. Just an fyi for those of you who don't know (now you know), Allston is full of undergrads. Undergrads who don't clean their apartments & leave Natural Light cans laying all over & have life-size Marilyn Monroe cardboard cut outs. (confidential to Doba: we must get cardboard cut outs of each other over Thanksgiving) I found one that was mildly intriguing out of about 9. The rest sucked. Seriously sucked & I wanted to cry....a lot & sob about how I was going to live in a shithole & I can't have dinner parties here, it's freaking disgusting & the cat litter would have to be in the kitchen.

So the next day, after another interview (if you haven't caught on, this did not end up as originally intended, a 'pleasure, relaxation trip' until later) my dude came with me to said mild intrigue & it was just as mildly intriguing so we went next door & that place was a 'fixer-upper' but rang about a 6, which is way better than all of the 2's the day before.

But we kept on keeping on to a cute little building. We knocked on the door....nothin. There was most certainly music going on in there so we knocked again. Nothin. Tried opening the door with its keys. Wouldn't open, although the keys were working. Uh, okay, didn't get a degree in the art of doors & locks but the concept seems simple enough, right? Called the current occupants & their ringy thing was 'Let's Get it On'....ah, mood music, oui? Finally, after hearing a television get loud, a girl opened the door in her towel & said she was in the shower, come back after 7. 'But our keys weren't working', we pleaded, 'can't you stay?'. 'No, I had the deadbolt on because I didn't want anyone coming in, come back after 7'. Uh, okay....bitch. Too bad her hair wasn't all that wet & she had makeup on.

So we went to another place that was a converted attic (cool, huh?) & liked it a whole lot. Although, we anticipated renting the attic apartment, we all felt as if we'd invested enough effort to make a point to see said deadbolted place.

Immediately after walking in there was a sign that read 'if we are robbed again, call Lieutenant Blahblah at 617-xxx-xxxx'. So immediately, we were taken aback. To the right was a sheet, which I figured that they'd used to make a 2 bed into a 3 bed (common undergrad practice) so I lifted the blanket & found a kitty! Hi kitty! But all of a sudden, I noticed an eerie strange silence behind me & turned around to find Ethan & the broker slack-jawed, staring down the hallway THAT WAS COVERED IN PORNO! Yes, porno, girls touching themselves porno and noticed that the names on the 2 bedroom doors were 'Slut' and 'Whore'. Also, that although I'd noticed the cute kitty cat, upon further inspection of the living room (which actually could have been cute) there was a tripod set up, facing a couch that had a bar coming out of the back of it & Slut or Whore's towel (didn't get the name of 'shower girl' was laying across the couch. And the music that we heard outside was porn music. And if there was any sort of doubt, their whiteboard read something to the extent of 'hey slut, turn off the damn camera after you're done using it. fuck me bad once, shame on me. fuck me bad twice, shame on him. i (heart) pussy'. THAT GIRL WAS MAKING PORNO WHEN WE WERE OUTSIDE & THAT'S WHY WE COULDN'T SEE THE APARTMENT!!!!!

I felt so violated. So dirty. I wanted to take a bath in antibacterial liquid.

Thus, despite its charming living room, although it took a long time to make the decision, we opted to not take the Porn Palace.

Since I know 5 people here so far, expect to hear a lot more from me.

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