ardent bullshit comes down every faultline gushing heavily into jest kindly luscious melons nodding openly post quakes resting still to undermind various wonderous xylophones yawning zealously

Tuesday, September 18, 2007

Chronicles of a Fat Ballerina

Dear Ice Cream,

Hey baby, you know we've had some really amazing times. Like remember when To Russia With Buzz came out? Ah, that was great. Or the first time I got stoned? Who was there for me? You were, at the dining room table with Da Bro laughing our heads off, C.C.C.D. And I recognize that, but I have to say that this just isn't working out for me right now. I love you more than I could ever love anything else. But at this time you're holding me down.

Please don't look at me like that. You'll go on & do just fine. There are a lot of people out there & one of them is bound to love you & want you to love them back. But for now, that just isn't me.

But really, this shouldn't have come as a surprise. You've seen the warning signs. This has happened before and it always ends up the same way. You see, I started dancing again last night and, well, I think it's time that we take a little break. I know you told me not to put on a leotard but I had to. And it wasn't very pretty.

No, there's no one else! How could you accuse me of that?! Well, I mean, yeah, in the meantime I'm not going to keep myself completely celebate. (pause) Oh, you saw the Haagen Daz frozen yogurt in the freezer last night. Well, I didn't mean for you to see that. It's, it's just temporary. It doesn't mean anything. Nothing at all. I swear! It's a rebound.

Oh, don't you DARE pull that Coldstone shit with me! You know those were some very, very special memories. And they mean a lot to me. But for right now, we just, we just can't see each other.

I know, baby, please stop crying. Condensation isn't a good look for you. No, I can't just have one bite, even if you are melting & that will in turn cause freezer burn. Please, find someone else for now who will love you like you deserve to be loved.

This isn't goodbye (sob sob), this is just a break, okay? I'll be back, I promise.

Now please, just go.



Blogger iamnot said...

Wow...thanks for opening up like real!

Ha, I'm having a similar, but less dramatic, discussion with the contents of my freezer. So far I'm having a tough time "saying goodbye."

Good luck to you.

11:46 AM

Blogger Grampa said...

I feel the same way about heroin.

You know, the sex is great, but ever single, waking moment with the bitch is Hell.

8:51 PM

Blogger Captain Bee said...


I hate cold foods, esp. ice cream. Although I'll destroy Oreo ice cream if given an opening.

9:16 PM

Blogger xo said...

I just switched to low fat... I do manage to eat at least 4 servings at every sitting though.

You win some, you lose some :)


6:54 PM


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