ardent bullshit comes down every faultline gushing heavily into jest kindly luscious melons nodding openly post quakes resting still to undermind various wonderous xylophones yawning zealously

Monday, September 03, 2007

Truth Be Told, You Weren't My First Choice

About a month ago, Ethan & I went on a little trip to Boston, MA, to find an apartment & scope around the city. Ethan got into BC Law with a pretty kick ass scholarship & decided on that over UC-Davis. I figured that since I wasn't really doing anything, a move might be kinda good. By that point, I'd given my 4 weeks notice (unless I detested the city & then would have begged & pleaded to stay in my job). Little did I know that upon exiting the plane at Logan, I'd have to put on a suit & tromp through the city in 90 degrees of hills on my way to the job that I begin on Tuesday. Let's keep our fingers crossed that I won't have to work nearly as much here. Work hard? Yes. Work more than 40 hours/week? No thank you.

Anywhoodley doodely, after the interview I had an appointment to go look at some of the rental prospects around & about. So off I went to peak around. Just an fyi for those of you who don't know (now you know), Allston is full of undergrads. Undergrads who don't clean their apartments & leave Natural Light cans laying all over & have life-size Marilyn Monroe cardboard cut outs. (confidential to Doba: we must get cardboard cut outs of each other over Thanksgiving) I found one that was mildly intriguing out of about 9. The rest sucked. Seriously sucked & I wanted to cry....a lot & sob about how I was going to live in a shithole & I can't have dinner parties here, it's freaking disgusting & the cat litter would have to be in the kitchen.

So the next day, after another interview (if you haven't caught on, this did not end up as originally intended, a 'pleasure, relaxation trip' until later) my dude came with me to said mild intrigue & it was just as mildly intriguing so we went next door & that place was a 'fixer-upper' but rang about a 6, which is way better than all of the 2's the day before.

But we kept on keeping on to a cute little building. We knocked on the door....nothin. There was most certainly music going on in there so we knocked again. Nothin. Tried opening the door with its keys. Wouldn't open, although the keys were working. Uh, okay, didn't get a degree in the art of doors & locks but the concept seems simple enough, right? Called the current occupants & their ringy thing was 'Let's Get it On'....ah, mood music, oui? Finally, after hearing a television get loud, a girl opened the door in her towel & said she was in the shower, come back after 7. 'But our keys weren't working', we pleaded, 'can't you stay?'. 'No, I had the deadbolt on because I didn't want anyone coming in, come back after 7'. Uh, okay....bitch. Too bad her hair wasn't all that wet & she had makeup on.

So we went to another place that was a converted attic (cool, huh?) & liked it a whole lot. Although, we anticipated renting the attic apartment, we all felt as if we'd invested enough effort to make a point to see said deadbolted place.

Immediately after walking in there was a sign that read 'if we are robbed again, call Lieutenant Blahblah at 617-xxx-xxxx'. So immediately, we were taken aback. To the right was a sheet, which I figured that they'd used to make a 2 bed into a 3 bed (common undergrad practice) so I lifted the blanket & found a kitty! Hi kitty! But all of a sudden, I noticed an eerie strange silence behind me & turned around to find Ethan & the broker slack-jawed, staring down the hallway THAT WAS COVERED IN PORNO! Yes, porno, girls touching themselves porno and noticed that the names on the 2 bedroom doors were 'Slut' and 'Whore'. Also, that although I'd noticed the cute kitty cat, upon further inspection of the living room (which actually could have been cute) there was a tripod set up, facing a couch that had a bar coming out of the back of it & Slut or Whore's towel (didn't get the name of 'shower girl' was laying across the couch. And the music that we heard outside was porn music. And if there was any sort of doubt, their whiteboard read something to the extent of 'hey slut, turn off the damn camera after you're done using it. fuck me bad once, shame on me. fuck me bad twice, shame on him. i (heart) pussy'. THAT GIRL WAS MAKING PORNO WHEN WE WERE OUTSIDE & THAT'S WHY WE COULDN'T SEE THE APARTMENT!!!!!

I felt so violated. So dirty. I wanted to take a bath in antibacterial liquid.

Thus, despite its charming living room, although it took a long time to make the decision, we opted to not take the Porn Palace.

Since I know 5 people here so far, expect to hear a lot more from me.

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Blogger The Brooklyn Sea Hag said...

Sweet! Are you going to be "slut" or "whore"?

8:54 PM

Anonymous kermit said...

this is the best apartment hunting story ever!

3:21 AM

Blogger Marisa said...

Think of how much fun your first "blacklight party" at the new place could have been! Where's your sense of adventure, Emertron?

Love the labels btw.

5:17 PM

Blogger xo said...

I know like three people all trying to find places in Boston, but this is by far the best story I've heard.


12:20 PM

Blogger Sun Follower said...

Great story! I e-mailed you - but this blog was the one I thought I'd missed... worth the wait!

12:38 AM

Anonymous Doba said...

I'm still disappointed that it wasn't a Corn Palace like I thought you'd said. I mean, think of it.. corn as far as the eye could see!

12:00 PM

Blogger emertron said...

Doba: That's Indiana.

2:42 PM


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