ardent bullshit comes down every faultline gushing heavily into jest kindly luscious melons nodding openly post quakes resting still to undermind various wonderous xylophones yawning zealously

Sunday, December 28, 2008

Alphabet MeMe


Okay, so I'm completely lost on how to begin writing right now. I flew back to Chicago for a very short 68 hours over Christmas & my head's more or less boycotting any sort of intellectual thought process (except for reading....which I've been doing pretty much all day). So in the spirit of the holidays (indulgence), I figured I'd do the alphabet meme.

A - Attached or Single? Single. And very happy that way for right now. I have little free time between work, school, ballet & spending time with my amazing friends. That little time is reserved for me. None of which I'm willing to give up at this point for someone I feel lukewarm about. I guess I'm trying to say that he'd have to be pretty special.
B - Best Friend? Schmale. And Jaimers. And Doba. And Ian. And Taylor. And Colleen. And Farrah. And Meow.
C - Cake or Pie? Pie. (unless it's ice cream cake.....but that beats everything. ever.) There is nothing like a perfect piece of apple pie heated with cinnamon ice cream.
D - Drink of Choice? Ginger ale & cranberry juice. If we're talking booze, then wine. Red in the winter, white in the summer.
E - Essential Item(s)? Books, music & cell phone (so that I can talk to the people far away who I love very much)
F - Favorite Color? This is unfair. But if I had to choose probably blue. And pink. And white. And green. And yellow. I guess, pretty much everything but orange. I don't really like orange.
G - Gummi Bears or Worms? Worms. Hands down
H - Hometown? I was born in Cedar Rapids, IA, but I consider Chicago my hometown.
I - Indulgence? Uh, where do I start with this? Um, wine, expensive dinners, Oilily, incredibly luxurious bath products, books, music.....I've been buying a LOT of books & music lately.
J - January or February? January. February can eat a bag of dicks. Although skiing tends to be better in February so I SHOULD like it better. But I don't. February sucks for personal reasons.
K - Kids? I'd certainly like to have them. Tick. Tick. Tick. Just kidding. I have a back-up plan.
L - Life is incomplete without… Love. And compassion.
M - Marriage Date: Ha! Well, while I was back in Chicago I bought myself a small diamond ring so I guess whenever I decide to hold the ceremony!!
N - Number of Siblings: One younger brother. He's one of my best friends and I love him more than I could ever express in words.
O - Oranges or Apples? Apples. An apple & cheese is one of my fav meals.
P - Phobias/Fears: Honestly, right now I don't really think that I have any other than getting stung by a bee, which would mean that I'd have to use the Epipen I carry with me everywhere. So I guess it's more that I'm afraid to use an Epipen.
Q - Favorite Quote: (this is one of my favorites....there are many, many more) New knowledge is the most valuable commodity on earth. The more truth we have to work with, the richer we become.-KV
R - Reasons to Smile? There are a million, including living the very charmed life I lead. For today: George, Henry, Jesse, finishing yet another book & a Parisian sammich from Cardullo's for dinner.
S - Season? Fall and spring. I really can't choose between turning of leaves & cooling off & blooming of flowers & warming up. Summer & Winter are at a tie, too, because while I love them both, the extreme heat & cold are uncomfortable. But I like the fall & spring more.
T - Tag Three: Jannelle, Brooklyn Sea Hag & Texas Cinderella.
U - Unknown Fact About Me: I floss every morning.
V - Vegetarian or Oppressor of Animals? At this point I actually eat very little meat but fish. And have contemplated going veggie again but then remember how much I like a good steak. And really, why would anyone live without hot dogs?
W - Worst habits? Smoking. Hands down, smoking.
X - X-rays or Ultrasounds? Uhhhhh....are we talking what would you rather have or what is the best? Because is certainly differs with symptoms & state of condition or whatever. Since I've had about a million x-rays at this point & no ultrasounds I'll go with X-rays. (Ir)Regardless, this question is stupid.
Y - Your Favorite Foods: First & foremost ice cream. Then Italian & sushi.
Z - Zodiac: Cancer (I'm a moody bitch)

So that's that. Time to change laundry. And to tell George & Henry how fantastic they are. And to start another book.

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Sunday, December 21, 2008

48 Hours


It's stopped snowing here in Boston, at least for the moment. The 'solid' precipitation began around 1 on Friday & has just let up. About time! The Bookmobile is currently buried and will probably stay that way until it's absolutely essential to dig it out.

I love snow. Always have. When huge storms hit, my first instinct is to get excited & revert to 7-year-old behaviors, strapping on my skis & hitting the closest hill, making snow angels & throwing snow balls. Then I remember I'm not living in Breckenridge anymore & I won't be 'shredding any fresh pow' in the early morning hours (just kidding, I don't 'shred fresh pow, I'm a double-planker, always have & probably always will....none of that snowboard stuff for an ambi, it just confuses us). Recently, I've been kind of sad about not living up in the mountains anymore & have pondered whether I could pull off moving back to an isolated range, then remember how much I missed the city out in CO & sit tight. A lot of it, surely, has to do with an anti-social mood I've been in for the last few weeks. Not that I've been holing up & avoiding people. Just prefer to have early nights & hang out with myself. Lately, I've been buying more books & albums & subsequently, burning through them. Which is what happens when I'm comfortably single...get to a point when I like being just around me & have absolutely no desire to just be with some guy who I have luke-warm feelings about. That is until I get a couple drinks in me & then all bets are off.

Judgment: the first thing to go with the consumption of alcohol.

Recently, I've kind of feel like as soon as I'm standing up, something comes along to knock me down. This week I've persevered a final, realized that I feel like a friend is over-stepping bounds (which is difficult & I am not the type of person who gets joy out of acting like a bitch), a huge fight with my mom & being 'demoted' (not that I actually was but it's this whole restructuring thing & a long story that's turned out irritating & has pretty much proven that what I've done at work is not appreciated at all.....by not reacting insanely, this has tested humility & you know what, it kind of hurts).

I'm done. There are enough issues going through my little head & am struggling with gently letting others know that I can not deal with theirs' also. I can listen but can't fix anyone. Nor do I want anyone to 'fix' me. I don't need fixing, I just need to continue on the path of taking care of myself first because if I don't, I'm of no use to anyone.

Thus the snow storm really couldn't have come at a better time. I've taken today to stay in jammies, watch movies & give love to my very ignored television, with the excuse that the weather outside is frightful. But realistically, I just don't want to do anything & stay as warm as possible. Tomorrow brings a yearly annual review (4 months late), a grant submission, therapy appointment (which I will doubtlessly cry during) & finding out my final grade for Epi.

But that's tomorrow. And worrying/obsessing over it right now will not change or help any of that. So I'm going to get into a star-filled bath (thanks Lush for your promotions & giving me free bath bombs!), watch some sort of decadently stupid movie & read La breve y maravillosa vida de Oscar Wao.

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Saturday, December 13, 2008

Stumbling My Way Along


Recently, I've gone through what I'll just describe as an extremely painful period. It's been messy & dirty & going to those places that you try to bury. But sooner or later, they make you deal with them.

'Hey Tron, you must deal with me.....because I'm not going away'.

Fuck. Really?

'Yes'.

Within the last week I've felt better than I had for over a month. And feel like I've (finally....as it feels like an eternity when you're going through it) made progress & know at least a little of what it's been all about. And staying true to form, I've buried myself in music. Some old (BSS 'You Forgot it in People' & The Beatles 'Help'). But mostly new (Blitzen Trapper & Bon Iver). And have stumbled onto the Helio Sequence. Below are lyrics that perfectly suit the result of this most recent depressed period.

Lately
Lately I don’t think of you at all
Or wonder what you’re up to
Or how you’re getting on
I never think of calling you
Or how things could have been
Or wonder where you sleep at night
Or whose arms you wake in
I’m living alone, living alone
I don’t need you anymore
I’m living alone, living alone
I don’t need you anymore
Lately
I don’t get lost in daydreams
I never lay awake at night
Staring in my bed
And I don’t think about your face
Or anything you’ve said
And I don’t think twice
When someone says your name
Or twist my mind in circles
Wondering which of us to blame
I’m living alone, living alone
I don’t need you, anymore
Living alone, living alone
I don’t need you anymore
I never walk alone and think
Of all the empty words
Or wonder when the day will break
Or when the tides will turn
And I don’t break down
When someone says your name
Or twist my mind in circles
Wondering which of us to blame
I’m living alone, living alone
I don’t need you anymore
Living alone living alone
I don’t need you anymore
Lately I don’t think of you at all
Lately
Oh, lately

It's strange to get to this point. Good, but strange. The anger's gone. Which opens oneself up to remembering what it was that you originally fell in love with. It can prove a very dangerous point. But in the case with Ethan, I won't be calling to meet up & attempt a friendship. That said, if I saw him out I don't think that I would run away (2 months I would have literally run....away....fast).

Wednesday is the Epi final. So it's time to study. And listen to music. Maybe I'll take myself to a movie tonight.

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Monday, December 01, 2008

Sometimes Advice Comes Just When You Need It


If, in your course, you don’t meet
your equal, your better,
then continue your course
firmly,
alone.
There’s no fellowship with fools.

-Dhammapada, 6

Yes, I'm kind of taking this out of context to fit what I want it to but really, isn't that the point?

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