ardent bullshit comes down every faultline gushing heavily into jest kindly luscious melons nodding openly post quakes resting still to undermind various wonderous xylophones yawning zealously

Sunday, December 21, 2008

48 Hours

It's stopped snowing here in Boston, at least for the moment. The 'solid' precipitation began around 1 on Friday & has just let up. About time! The Bookmobile is currently buried and will probably stay that way until it's absolutely essential to dig it out.

I love snow. Always have. When huge storms hit, my first instinct is to get excited & revert to 7-year-old behaviors, strapping on my skis & hitting the closest hill, making snow angels & throwing snow balls. Then I remember I'm not living in Breckenridge anymore & I won't be 'shredding any fresh pow' in the early morning hours (just kidding, I don't 'shred fresh pow, I'm a double-planker, always have & probably always will....none of that snowboard stuff for an ambi, it just confuses us). Recently, I've been kind of sad about not living up in the mountains anymore & have pondered whether I could pull off moving back to an isolated range, then remember how much I missed the city out in CO & sit tight. A lot of it, surely, has to do with an anti-social mood I've been in for the last few weeks. Not that I've been holing up & avoiding people. Just prefer to have early nights & hang out with myself. Lately, I've been buying more books & albums & subsequently, burning through them. Which is what happens when I'm comfortably single...get to a point when I like being just around me & have absolutely no desire to just be with some guy who I have luke-warm feelings about. That is until I get a couple drinks in me & then all bets are off.

Judgment: the first thing to go with the consumption of alcohol.

Recently, I've kind of feel like as soon as I'm standing up, something comes along to knock me down. This week I've persevered a final, realized that I feel like a friend is over-stepping bounds (which is difficult & I am not the type of person who gets joy out of acting like a bitch), a huge fight with my mom & being 'demoted' (not that I actually was but it's this whole restructuring thing & a long story that's turned out irritating & has pretty much proven that what I've done at work is not appreciated at not reacting insanely, this has tested humility & you know what, it kind of hurts).

I'm done. There are enough issues going through my little head & am struggling with gently letting others know that I can not deal with theirs' also. I can listen but can't fix anyone. Nor do I want anyone to 'fix' me. I don't need fixing, I just need to continue on the path of taking care of myself first because if I don't, I'm of no use to anyone.

Thus the snow storm really couldn't have come at a better time. I've taken today to stay in jammies, watch movies & give love to my very ignored television, with the excuse that the weather outside is frightful. But realistically, I just don't want to do anything & stay as warm as possible. Tomorrow brings a yearly annual review (4 months late), a grant submission, therapy appointment (which I will doubtlessly cry during) & finding out my final grade for Epi.

But that's tomorrow. And worrying/obsessing over it right now will not change or help any of that. So I'm going to get into a star-filled bath (thanks Lush for your promotions & giving me free bath bombs!), watch some sort of decadently stupid movie & read La breve y maravillosa vida de Oscar Wao.

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Blogger elizabeth said...

even with it all, i agree, snow is everything

3:08 AM


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