ardent bullshit comes down every faultline gushing heavily into jest kindly luscious melons nodding openly post quakes resting still to undermind various wonderous xylophones yawning zealously

Thursday, March 05, 2009

Please Lift Up Your Gown

So I kinda briefly touched on how I had this really bad reaction to something.



No new detergents, lotions, soaps, clothes, dudes.

Wait wait wait. DUDES?! Do they KNOW YOU?

No. But they still asked.

That's because they don't know you & if they did, they wouldn't ask that question.

Yes they would.

No, they wouldn't.

Yes they have to ask it. SO THERE.

So there I was. At the second of a three doctor appointments in an attempt to figure out why my abdominal skin attempted to get off of my body. Yeah, that's what it looked my skin was like "yeah, I am OUTTA here". And you know, in dermatology they hand you a flimsy robe & tell you to get nekkid (these guys let me keep my underpants & bra on which was nice of them). And so last year when I had that thing on my forehead & had Dr. Fein (pronounced like FINE....who happened to be DREAMY), well, it kind of tainted me so now I'm a little paranoid that I'm just going to have hot doctors from here on out checking out my bodily conditions. And not the good ones like how I have awesome cholesterol or like a doctor to see that I actually can still fit into my cheerleading skirt from junior high or like a doctor to play a fantastic, fun game of tennis with in my cute little tennis skirt.

No, I have to go in for conditions like what I thought was RINGWORM ON MY FOREHEAD (Dr. Fine who also said to me "no, I don't think it's Herpes"....seriously totes morts) or my latest, nastiest-so-far rash. So I'm pretty much nude & of course in comes a really cute dude doctor. And I thought "okay, this is it.....I'm just done now....throwing in the towel but at least I wore cute undies today". Anyways, he was like "so it says here that you're in for a check up & a rash & a mole that you'd like looked at".

So he starts checking me out (and not in the way that I WANT to be checked out) and I'm thinking (again) "I really should go to more ballet classes & the gym....must.hit.the.gym". And then I have to pull my boob out of my bra. (enter the red creeping up my neck) Thank goodness I stopped myself from saying something to the affect of "yeah, usually you have to buy me dinner to see that" or whatever, which was at the tip of my tongue.....literally right there & somehow judgment or wisdom or something stopped me.

Please lift up your gown to your waist.

So I did. And then he asked about the mole and I'll leave out details, but it's not in a place that anyone but me sees & I'm wishing at this point that I would have just conveniently left that part out. So I have to, uh, readjust my panty-line for him to see my bikini-line & he pretty much sticks his head in my crotch & says "looks fine".

Me: "but, um, I'm concerned of its placement"

Him: "eh, if it changes then you should worry & have it removed....I'll bring in the the way you have very few moles & they all look fine"

So the attending comes in with a cute 3rd year med student. She checks me out like she's giving a lecture & then asks me to lie down to check out the mole. Okay, I've been through this, right? Like 5 minutes ago. No big deal. So I move my underpants over a little bit to show her & what is now a petrified looking med student.

Her: "yep, that looks fine....see" pointing to the mole about 1/8 of an inch away from my cute, pink panties

Me: breeeeeaaaaaathe

Her: WHIPS OUT A MAGNIFYING GLASS THING "but let's take a closer look"

Me: if I pass out then at least there'll be no memory of this

Her: "yep, that looks fine but why don't you take a look" and hands the magnifying contraption over to the clearly terrified med student

And after about 3 seconds muttered "yep yep, looks fine" and quickly hands back said contraption.

They all leave. I have a clean bill of dermatologic health & should visit on an "as needed" basis since I don't get sun burnt & have like 7 moles on my body. So I quickly get dressed & skip on out of there as quickly as possible, thinking that maybe that attending was doing that just for shits & giggles. You know, to be like "I'm gonna one-up the embarrassment level here".

The good news: it is not contact dermatitis & I have awesome skin.

The bad news: next comes the allergist.

The resolution: there is none right now other than having 3 faces in my crotch yesterday without the promise of dinner or getting laid & since it looks like I'm allergic to a food, I'm sticking to the tried & true.....apples cheese, micronutrient juice & ice cream as food staples.

Labels: , , ,


Blogger elizabeth said...

it's only ever the cutest doctors at the most inoprotune moments. I've had pleanty of ugly dr's when I was top cutes and in for somethin like 'my legs are so muscular and i'm worried...' You know? you do.
I sure hope they figure out what's killing your skin. and i'm glad your mole is awesome. I have one I should probably get checked but it's never changed... we'll see.

11:23 PM

Blogger BSH ADMIN said...

Your tummy rash? I don't want to gross you out, but it might be fungal. That is all.

How are you not on WebMD every second?

9:02 AM

Blogger elizabeth said...

i'm going to go ahead and vote for an update on the flesh eating disease.

9:12 PM


Post a Comment

<< Home