ardent bullshit comes down every faultline gushing heavily into jest kindly luscious melons nodding openly post quakes resting still to undermind various wonderous xylophones yawning zealously

Friday, August 28, 2009

No more miss nice girl (2 of 3)


It's been raining on & off tonight around these parts. No better time to sit on the porch & write than a nice, quiet, cool night.

About a year ago I met my neighbors (very good friends) out at Charlie's. Joe, a coworker of Michael's, joined along. Joe was cool & we all had a lot in common so conversation flowed within the group. As for anything but friends, I've never been interested in Joe. And I expressed that, however, new friends are always good. Right? That night Joe'd brought his screenplay for me to read. Coincidence put us in the same bar as Turtle from Entourage & my best drunken idea that night was to introduce the screenplay in hopes that it would produce some sort of connection. It wasn't taken well by one of the parties, who stormed off.

Bad feelings ensued & I felt very guilty about the situation. Since we had been drinking heavily, I thought that I'd deeply offended since, you know, people get quite offended about things & I'm very good at offending because I'm an idiot.

So when Joe extended an olive branch after a period of him "not talking to me", I was happy to oblige & put forth a sincere apology for what I didn't know that I'd done.

Quickly, Joe & I started talking regularly again. I'd very clearly stated, & acted on, that I wanted nothing more than friendship. (please note that I said this to him & the neighbors more than once....like a half dozen times just so no one got the wrong idea) Yay! We're friends. He just happened to be in area with beer one Sunday. We grabbed dinner another night & I spouted more than I should have about the recent dating situations I was in (this comes up later). Sure, I'll go to a fancy holiday party for good food. Yeah, we'll have dinner at your place, no biggie. I have dinner at friends' all the time.

That's how we work. I cook, They cook. But when "you should stay here & we'll just call in sick tomorrow" I ran for a taxi. I was very uncomfortable with that.

After that I made a point to make a some distance, since by this point he was calling/texting/emailing (many times all 3) everyday. That is a relationship, my friends, exactly what I had said all along that I am not interested in with him. Please note: if I do not love you, I probably will not love you any time soon. You will not change my mind by attempting to manipulate me & leaving a rose at my door is nothing that "friends" do.

On the day of the holiday party, a blizzard came Boston's way. I texted that I thought it might be smart to stay home since the weather was awful. He said that was good. Then I confirmed that I wouldn't be heading out. The response was less understanding this time: it'll let up & to get into a cab & make it there.

No. I do not take orders like that from anyone. Nor should I.

For the next few weeks I got sporadic texts, you know, how are you? and merry christmas and happy new year, etc. Attempting to gingerly avoid communication (me: been busy & it's not letting up). I did not feel comfortable with that situation any longer. I'd made myself perfectly clear that I was not interested sexually in him & never would be on many, many occasions. I never led him on by dressing seductively or kissing or holding hands or anything.

Then I received a text in the middle of January (paraphrased) "how are you, how were your holidays, i'm good, we should have dinner, i've been having naughty thoughts about you. do you have the videos i lent you?".

That was it. The final straw. I felt dirty even reading that. And despite Joe's "teasing" nature, that was utterly uncalled for. He would never send that text to Jesse.

So I wrote an email stating that the last text was uncomfortable for me, that I wished him well, but that this had gone too far. Clearly holding my ground but by no means saying anything cruel. His response was less than kind. He used what I'd told him about dating against me. He used some awful words to describe me & his intentions were clearly to hurt my feelings. And as much as I wanted to argue with false accusations & just being outright mean, I didn't. Why waste my energy on something like that? I'd spoken my peace. This ridiculousness needed to just end.

Which is when I learned how to not call back. Not try to respond and subsequently react. There is no reason to respond in certain situations. This was one of them. And so a good lesson learned.

Busy busy busy.

Well, the storm just really hit. Time to snuggle up in bed with Georgie. Tomorrow: 1 to 3 chapters of Public Health Policy for class that starts next week. Wheeeeeee!!!

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Tuesday, August 25, 2009

Happy Anniversary Boston!


It's been 2 years & I love you more now than the day I met you. I've skipped along the path with you, planted flowers in you, cherished each of the seasons twice now with you, and have grown an intimate relationship. You've been dependable by the likes of loving me even in my paint-stained sweatpants, providing me with delicious meals, cheering me up when I'm lonely with your restaurants, parks, ocean, and inspiring me to get out there even when I didn't want to. Thank you.

Alas, if only you were a man.

Tonight Michelle & I are celebrating by making eggplant parmesan, drinking red wine, and talking about how much you mean to us.

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Sunday, August 23, 2009

Self Promotion


Yeah yeah yeah. It's been a couple weeks. I wrote this little thing for this website that you can find here: 30pov.com.

#2 of the trilogy comes up soon. Just not tonight.

Instead, I'll selfishly finish off a completely selfish day by selfishly telling just how much I've loved myself today.

Long jog, shower to Graceland, walk to Harvard Square, brunch at Upstairs, finish the Mayor of Castro Street, grab a Parisian at Cardullo's for dinner, pick up snapdragons, walk home, arrange said snapdragons around the house in tall vases, fold laundry & put it away, open a nice bottle of Italian white, spend an hour with the roomie talking on the porch, watch Sex & the City reruns.

Now.

Mmmmmmm.....all that's left to do is to make my bed, take a shower (it's 2 showers/day weather here), and snuggle up with Georgie, a new book & a cup of tea.

What a day.

School starts in a week & a half so I've taken the liberty to celebrate my 2 year anniversary with Boston today enjoying some of my favorite activities in Cambridge. Next weekend is the Cape with Jeanne & Ryan. Throughout the next week & a half, I plan to enjoy how much this lovely city has to offer. So it's not really about the anniversary, but about enjoying this beautiful city while I can before starting up grad school for serious.

And in perfect timing, Monkey Boo called just a minute ago. Time to eat a delicious sandwich & chat with a lovely lady.

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Thursday, August 06, 2009

Waking Up Crying


Last night I dreamt that Georgie got out & ran away. It was worse than the dream last week which featured a cameo by an ex where he actually paid me back some of the money he owed (technically present tense but i've know for a while that i would never see that $$ again) me. That dream was uncomfortable. Last night's was just devastating.

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Saturday, August 01, 2009

Exhausting Options: internet dating


So this a story. A dating story. The first of three in this series. One of them is not about dating but rather the ridiculousness that people construct in their minds. The theme of these three stories should exemplify how much I've grown in terms of men. I used to deal with this shit & make excuses. Wishing for someone's attention. Hoping that they'll come around. Thinking that these little quirks will at some point become endearing. Unfortunately, they won't. As I flatly told a friend earlier this week.....excusing this ends in living with the troll, which, to date is the most awful break up story amongst any of my friends. And looking back, I thank him for shocking me back to reality in that way. Making me realize that it really shouldn't be that difficult, at least at first.

And onward.

So after hearing many times that "I just haven't found the one" and people asking how I meet people and every successful, single girl's favorite, the lesbian rumor, I decided to finally exhaust all possibilities. I've met people out. Met people through friends. Met people through family. I finally turned to the internet.

One of my very sweet & wonderful friends found her boyfriend & future husband through craigslist. (shut up. this was before the cl killer thing) So I figured that I would go through some profiles. One of them was sweet, articulate, creative. So I responded. He wrote back. His picture was very cute. He held up a great conversation and was obviously quite educated. We met up in Harvard Square (my "safe" place since I always know someone there whether it'd be randomly running into friends or strategically visiting a venue I know the workers). We met at Shay's (which is right next door to a liquor store & a record shop of which I frequent & they know me & I know them) for drinks. First, his picture was at least 10 years old. Who was this skinny, old-looking-before-his-time person standing next to me? Within an hour I learned that he doesn't let his dogs in the room while he's making love, prefers women's jeans, is a hemophiliac, and has a cracked tooth which is an issue because of his hemophilia. He also told me that he comes from a prominent Jewish family in New York, as his father was a lawyer & he's told his mom that he's never getting married.

Thank you. No.

Then a couple months later I became lonely again. You know, wanting a date, some attention. It happens, right? So on a hungover Sunday morning I signed up for 3 months of eHarmony (which I didn't realize is a Christian dating thing and doesn't allow homosexual dating...not that I would have noticed because I wasn't looking for a woman but after these last months, I might be). Part of the profile asks you to rate your attractiveness, which I've learned that modesty is not good. Honesty is the best policy, right? So I put myself down as a 7, which I think is accurate. And then is asks you how important is attractiveness, which I also answered honestly with "quite important". Well, let me tell you that people think that they are a lot more attractive than they actually are. Either that or my personality fits well with ugly, fat men with children (also put on there that I did not want someone to have kids....I'm a stepkid & it sucked).

There was one guy, Adam, who seemed pretty nice, funny, enjoyed a lot of the same activities, also thinks that "Day-man" & "Night-man" are the most hilarious things ever. So we met for tea on a Thursday since Mom flew in the next morning for our Mother's Day. Tea went so well that we moved on to Pinocchio'. He gave me a hug at the end of the night & went on our way. I walked home with hope & a smile.

The weekend with Mom included walking around, sightseeing, all of the normal visitor activities. We talked for hours. During lounging time in Harvard Yard I received a text from Adam. "Crazy idea but let me know if you'd be interested in drinking wine in our underware". Woah. Seriously? My response was "Going to ballet tonight". What I should have said was "No, because we've only met, I'm not into date rape, & I can't date someone who misspells underwear".

Not a huge surprise, I haven't heard from him since.

So I was done. For a few months at least.

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