ardent bullshit comes down every faultline gushing heavily into jest kindly luscious melons nodding openly post quakes resting still to undermind various wonderous xylophones yawning zealously

Tuesday, December 13, 2011

It Made Me Love More

It's finally cold. Like winter cold. So far I've been toughening myself up a bit for when it drops another 30 degrees. But soon it'll be unbearable to wait for the train without gloves. And I'll scurry from the bus stop to the building I work in, letting out a big puff of hot air I'd been holding in, as if it would keep me warmer or make the wind sting my face any less.

Last year I felt so grateful for that sting. And most days I still am. Some days, like yesterday, I was not terribly grateful to be outside of my apartment. Or walking out in the cold. Or dealing with others. And it seemed that on my way into work that everyone was just getting in my way. Here and there. Walking out in front of me. Not getting out of my way. Like the whole world was against me getting to work. And I get so frustrated and just want to scream "get the fuck out of my way". But I'm not really in a rush. Or a rush to what I have no clue. And it's usually about then I realize that the one getting in the way is me. So I try to take a step back. If I try to conjure that gratitude for out walking about it doesn't tend to work so well. And the snap doesn't happen immediately. But it is an immediate change. I just don't get to choose when it happens. But it does. Every time.

This morning was different. I woke up with a belly full of love from last night's chat with Kim. And a message from Megan. And a Henry snuggled right up on my arm. Fortunately, I didn't have any struggle seeing the day as an opportunity to see what awaits me this morning. It didn't bring much. A late night at work. A good spin class. Singing to Sharon Van Etten as I type this up, a stripey cat named George purring wildly on my lap. Nice way to close out the day and rest before the next one brings the chance to to smile or frown or change my mind.

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