ardent bullshit comes down every faultline gushing heavily into jest kindly luscious melons nodding openly post quakes resting still to undermind various wonderous xylophones yawning zealously

Friday, December 16, 2011

This Fairy Tale Life

Never in a million years. Last night I was talking with some friends and it was brought to my attention that two years ago around the holidays I was pulling in decent grades, had a boyfriend, and weighed 20 lbs less. This year it's the holidays and I'm relishing in spending tonight watching a silly movie, no prospects around, actually had some problems in one of my classes this semester, and I can't seem restrict no matter hard I try. And I had to laugh.

George and Henry are my woodland creatures.

And all of those other outside things like pants size or losing a pound or even when The Waiter asked me to go out feel good. For about 2 minutes. But the pound or the size don't really matter and there are always more pounds to lose. And the guy, well, he never followed through. So rather than wait around to see if he'd ever get his shit together, I'm pretty sure I solidified him not contacting me again. (no psycho girl shit) I don't feel great about knowing that won't grow into anything. But like with Bipolar a year ago, I had to get very honest with myself when evaluating what I wanted out the relationship (or lack thereof). When the truth came back that I wanted them for more than just pals and I really don't feel like I could divorce myself from those feelings, it was time that I closed the book because I was on the verge of feeling hurt and the outcome of it coming out the way I wanted it was grim.

Bummer.

But that's life. Wanting what you have isn't settling. It's accepting that at this precise moment I have two choices: I can wish for what I think I should have or I can bask in the glow of the things I do.

Like most nights, it's a kitty purring on my lab, a warm, delicious-smelling bed to cozy up into, and a whole lot of gratitude.

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