ardent bullshit comes down every faultline gushing heavily into jest kindly luscious melons nodding openly post quakes resting still to undermind various wonderous xylophones yawning zealously

Tuesday, January 03, 2012

Making Pies

For who knows whatever reason my heart's felt a lot of nostalgia lately. For odd things. Not necessarily happy or carefree times or anything like that. Or what at this point I can trick myself into thinking was carefree. I've missed things like my drive home from work when I lived in Breckenridge. Or like that guy I was dating a couple years ago. But then it mutates into that strange yearning to be held.

Not because I'm sad. Not because anything terrible happened. Just life stuff.

And then I realize that it isn't that I want someone who doesn't know who I am now and only selectively got to know someone who I'll always be but am no longer to fall asleep next to. That's empty. It's a shell of what I think I'm supposed to be or act. I didn't call that guy, or any other for that matter who could only take away the desire to feel safe momentarily.

I did what works. Or if it doesn't, then at least I've been productive. Put on Patty Griffin, made some tomato sauce, and shut my mouth. Physically keeping my mouth shut somehow grounds my head, even if for a minute. Pay attention to my breath, focus on letting whatever's going on really go on.

Tonight, when I finally balanced out, it became obvious that I miss Katie & Jaimie. I really miss my gals. On an everyday basis I am so fortunate to be surrounded by people who are sweet and wonderful and caring and I do love. But it's kind of like that one recipe that only that one place can make and while other food is great, I have such a craving for that one dish. Their laughs, the way conversation rolls along. People I don't feel like I need to explain myself to. We already know each other. And how our shortcomings make us human. Regardless, to me they'll always be superheroes. Soon enough. Soon enough we'll get to stay up too late talking because we want to soak in every moment.

Until then looks like I'll just have to settle for rereading my favorite books and snuggling into warm sweaters and singing along and making food with butter to take care of the missings.

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