ardent bullshit comes down every faultline gushing heavily into jest kindly luscious melons nodding openly post quakes resting still to undermind various wonderous xylophones yawning zealously

Tuesday, January 05, 2016


With "the holidays" behind us and the East Coast finally receiving some typical winter weather, I'm taking full advantage of no classes and Hulu/Netflix. The Mindy Project, Happy Endings, re-watching Gossip Girl...between tv, the cats, and delivery, I'm finding little reason to leave my apartment. It's nice for a couple days. Running, working, and snuggling in.  But soon this would get really old.

What a bizarre feeling living on lower Manhattan and not really being around people. There are people everywhere! Yet, I have successfully avoided having a conversation longer than 3 minutes with someone in person since Sunday evening. Sometimes I just need a break.

First semester of the MA program is completed and I feel pretty confident about it all. I'm beginning training as a counselor next semester and hashing out plans for a small research project. I've gotten a chance to edit a colleague's dissertation chapters...which I love doing. Participating as an editor at the school psychology bulletin. Now that I take a step back, I realize just how many great opportunities I've had in such a short time. How much I've done in the past few months.

Even working from afar is positive and busy. We signed a large contract with industry, which affords me another couple years of job security. The grant is turning from a huge project into an enormous project.

Earlier today a friend asked about selling out. I wrote back some long goofy, inflated email about illusions or something. But it did kind of put a bug in my ear. At this point I feel like in some sense (other than a very few) we have sold out. I'm reading an autobiography about a swami right now. He has not sold out. But I certainly know that I have. I've compromised my values for selfish motives. Some very clear at the time, some less so. But when I'm honest, almost all of my actions are somehow selfishly motivated. To get attention, to hear someone's voice, in search for security. The latter directly most of my actions. This inexhaustible search for security. Being honest with myself about it has made the search so much easier lately. Or rather ending the search. Knowing is half the battle, right?

Anyway, at the New Year's party I went to we talked a little about resolutions and what we do in the beginning of the year. It's been a long time since I made actual resolutions. A couple years ago I found resolutions I made for 1998 in an old diary. I was 18 at the time. A freshman at Colorado State University and in a lot of psychic pain. The resolutions were so linear, black and white, just a set up to fail. And they did. At the time I couldn't understand what a real resolution is or how to set reasonable goals. Pretty sure that is typical 18 year old behavior.

A couple years ago I made a new soup every week. Last year took a trip at least once a month. This year I'm running. A couple half marathons in the spring and a the full NYC marathon in the fall. We'll see how it goes. On Saturday morning I put on the Kamasi Washington album, Epic, from last year, and ran 10 miles, over the Williamsburg Bridge, up through Brooklyn, peaking into Queens, over the Queensboro Bridge, and down First Avenue. Both the music and jog set the stage for a wonderful calendar year.

Now rather than altering problem behavior, I make new goals for the 12 months ahead. If they need to be changed as I go along, then fine. But it is much more fruitful to strive for self esteem by taking esteemable action.

Here's to 2016.


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