ardent bullshit comes down every faultline gushing heavily into jest kindly luscious melons nodding openly post quakes resting still to undermind various wonderous xylophones yawning zealously

Monday, June 27, 2016

That Time

It's been hot, like legit hot, now for a few weeks. I like the heat. Today I prefer it to the cold, but the truth is that I will grow sick of it within the next couple months and I like the seasons.  And the change. Weather change is a change I can deal with. Other change? Not so much.

That is unless I feel like I am the one controlling the change but that is a whole other ball of psychoanalysis wax that, quite frankly, is BORING.

So it is hot out.  And now that the heat has settled for the next couple months, I better get used to being sticky and somewhat uncomfortable unless I am sitting in a pool.  Good thing the pool opens on Wednesday.

Summer also messes with my head a little in the reminiscence arena.  A few years back I was really low during the summer and it was miserable. The Ghost of Independence Day Past still comes back around, poking its little nose in to say "hey, remember That Time?"

Not really, to be honest.

Anyway, The Sads have lifted, thank god. Or for the most part anyway.  Last night I didn't sleep well. Fireworks at 2:30, sore throat at 3:45, waking up thinking about a relationship and the wheel of fortune starts spinning the future stories.  This morning they were back, though, The Sads. All up in my face like I had forgotten fear and anger and helplessness.  So I worked and ran and called Mandie and we talked on the phone for hours while I sat on my fire escape. And in the middle of the conversation we were laughing because nothing stays too sad or down when I'm around my people.  We also realized that we've been together for almost six years now, supporting one another, and just how incredible that is. How fortunate we are.

And I feel grounded enough to soak some beans and make some dinner and ease on into the night.

Sunday, June 05, 2016

Safety

Oof. This has been a rough past 10 days. The heaviest sads I have experienced in almost two years. Considering I so rarely experience the sads for more than an hour or so now it is so affecting when I do. Everything crashes down, fear sets in, of what I have no idea, losing something I think I want maybe.

Some of this is my mind and body urging, forcing, me to rest. I have been going too much, giving too much inefficiently. As I write, I am sitting in Brookline, which will always be home in a sense. This was the place of such soul growth, little seedlings of enlightenment, where my armor cracked enough to let the sun begin to and then pour in.

I have been away from that condition, instead closing myself up and working on the outside. And as a result, it is time again to do some inner adjusting.

So I sit in a darling bed and breakfast, listening to Ella Fitzgerald and a clock tic tock, typing up some of my own research, looking online for the best trails to hike in Vermont.  For the summer I plan to mostly spend time around Manhattan and New England. Ground and reseal the foundation of my life, which is so full. All the stuff will fall out, though, if these cracks turn into a fault.

And with that, I will return to the safety of my cozy room and snuggle under covers and know that at least for tonight I am complete.