meow

The One with the Library Book

2012-01-18T23:08:00.003-05:00

Running's going well. Really well, in fact. Who knew that quitting smoking would make exercise so much easier?!

(everyone but me)

It'd probably be more effective in the weight loss department if I didn't come home and eat cheese and ice cream. But it makes me so happy. So very happy. Books, too. Books and ice cream. Which is exactly what I did after the show on Saturday night.

Saturday night I was in Brooklyn, feeling terminally uncool, at a show for Janelle's band, Desert Stars. The venue (Glasslands) was pretty neat with tissue paper designs (I like to think that they were flowers) on the ceiling and lights behind them that change colors. And the DS set was great. But then we had a break between bands and the crowd changed and the whole place started to stink like a hangover.

Luke warm High Life and stale cigarettes is usually my cue to go. But I stuck around because it's so rare that I am out and about and only in New York like every three months or so.

Mistake #1: Not dragging any of my close friends with me to the show. While I'm pals with the ladies in the band, they all have boyfriends so after the show they canoodled or whatever the kids are doing these days. Not that I mind it, but I had NO ONE to make snide remarks to about how all of the girls there needed to learn two important lessons: leggings are not pants and combs are your friends.

Mistake #2: Staying around for the 2nd act. Anyway, the band after Desert Stars was some group of douche bags who played Frat Rock. Yeah, the lead "singer" kept asking if the crowd was getting loose and whether we were drinking whiskey. Then he slurred "this next song is about two people and not to be a debbie downer but one of them is no longer with us but the other one is in the audience!". They were all wearing collared shirts and man-uggs or something close to it. THEN the female bass player sang her song and the lyrics are as follows: it's so hard it's so hard it's so hard. At this point I almost lost it but then realized that everyone around me was ENJOYING this offense to my ears. And the worst part was that #1 came back into play....I had NO ONE to laugh with during this exhibit of talentless drivel.

So that's when I was like "yeah, I gotta fucking go" and said bye to the remaining couple and got out of there. Upon returning to Lisa & Janelle's apartment, out came the jammies and ice cream and book and that warm feeling of complete comfort. I finished The Last Child (a good brainless read) and started Me Talk Pretty One Day.

Which puts me back to about a book a week. And may actually see me finishing every book in my apartment that I have not yet read within the first few months of the year (save the reference books).

Sometimes the amount of what I can accomplish nowadays shocks me.

Just My Luck

2012-01-16T22:59:00.002-05:00

So one of my girlfriends has been trying to set me up with this guy for over 6 months now. About 2 weeks ago she caught me at the last minute to meet up and I thought "shit, why the hell not?".

He is very nice, and sweet, and has a great smile. And most importantly, I liked how I felt when we talked. So she gave him my email address and I went on with my life (while obsessively checking my emails...come on, some things never change). Since I thought it had gone really well, I was a little surprised when I didn't hear anything from him.

And my feelings were a little hurt. And then my feelings were like "another dude you thought I clicked with how many more of these can I take?". (if you're counting that would be 2 in the past 2 years...what a drama queen) But then today I found out that he's leaving in 9 days for a little move...to Spain. For 18 months.

That's when I started to laugh. And haven't stopped. Really? REALLY?! Wow. So yeah. Looks like maybe I should stick to the same old same old for a while and concentrate on classes that start in 3 days. (sigh)

Here comes the Wahmbulance

2012-01-08T15:36:00.004-05:00

Just the other day I was all smuggly saying how I hadn't been sick for over a year and even last time was only for a day of food poisoning.

Tempting fate.

I have slept 12 of the past 16 hours. I barely sleep 8 hours/night maybe, especially on the weekends. I feel tired and sore and head hurty and sinuses yucky and waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah.

In good news, I ran 4 miles straight this week (and a singular one the next day making it to the goal of 5 for the week), which I haven't done in a really long time. And I didn't die. And I could walk the next day. Which was really awesome.

But right now it's matzo ball and ginger beer time for this girl because I feel nothing like awesome.

Making Pies

2012-01-03T23:24:00.004-05:00

For who knows whatever reason my heart's felt a lot of nostalgia lately. For odd things. Not necessarily happy or carefree times or anything like that. Or what at this point I can trick myself into thinking was carefree. I've missed things like my drive home from work when I lived in Breckenridge. Or like that guy I was dating a couple years ago. But then it mutates into that strange yearning to be held.

Not because I'm sad. Not because anything terrible happened. Just life stuff.

And then I realize that it isn't that I want someone who doesn't know who I am now and only selectively got to know someone who I'll always be but am no longer to fall asleep next to. That's empty. It's a shell of what I think I'm supposed to be or act. I didn't call that guy, or any other for that matter who could only take away the desire to feel safe momentarily.

I did what works. Or if it doesn't, then at least I've been productive. Put on Patty Griffin, made some tomato sauce, and shut my mouth. Physically keeping my mouth shut somehow grounds my head, even if for a minute. Pay attention to my breath, focus on letting whatever's going on really go on.

Tonight, when I finally balanced out, it became obvious that I miss Katie & Jaimie. I really miss my gals. On an everyday basis I am so fortunate to be surrounded by people who are sweet and wonderful and caring and I do love. But it's kind of like that one recipe that only that one place can make and while other food is great, I have such a craving for that one dish. Their laughs, the way conversation rolls along. People I don't feel like I need to explain myself to. We already know each other. And how our shortcomings make us human. Regardless, to me they'll always be superheroes. Soon enough. Soon enough we'll get to stay up too late talking because we want to soak in every moment.

Until then looks like I'll just have to settle for rereading my favorite books and snuggling into warm sweaters and singing along and making food with butter to take care of the missings.

Dropping Balls

2012-01-02T10:40:00.003-05:00

Whoops! Forgot to write on the last day of the month. I was busy watching Too Cute Kittens with Doba, eating Indian food, and playing cribbage. Great way to end the year.

And yesterday afforded the opportunity to get in back to back yoga classes. Great way to get the year started!

But now it's all getting back to normal. And thank god. The holidays are nice...and over. This past month has reinforced how much I really like my life. The everyday life part of it. I like my routine. Sure, I really like that Elf was on television all the time. And the glow of Christmas lights is pretty much my favorite thing ever. But I will not miss the train stinking of party. Or the couples-themed everything. You know, normal.

Anyway, tonight begins my running kick start month. Along with like everyone else in the world. This week starts with 5 miles. Either all in one day or 5 days of 1 mile. Whatever.

First I need to get off the couch and stop eating peanut brittle.

Melancholia

2011-12-30T22:06:00.002-05:00

Wow, this has been a week of movies. What a wonderful way to escape...a dark room and a movie projector.

Perfect way to close out this week. The days off have been great. A time to relax and catch up on sleep and laze around. But circumstances have left me with a lot on my mind and plenty of space to ruminate. Not a good combination. Fortunately, tomorrow sends me right back into a normal routine, which is exactly what I need right now.

So anyway, The Skin I Live In was a trip of twisted reality but always returns to a content resolution. And even though Almodovar consistently ties in social issues, it is all merely a story, in typical Spanish style. Melancholia was more or less based in reality until the end, and seemed to have a message. Not that I agree with or against whatever Lars Van Trier was supposedly saying, but that's something that I try to lean against. Movies with a message. I take things waaaaay too seriously to be putting myself into that place. (see: Twilight!!)

Anyway, it was still terribly entertaining. And achieved a level of discomfort that is incredibly difficult to achieve in that medium. And I never thought that I would say this...but hats off to Kiki Dunst. She did a pretty incredible job. Granted, the director certainly took advantage of situations. But all around...fantastic.

Time for pizza and a Frazier marathon. My brain's a mush.

Cash Cab

2011-12-29T22:43:00.002-05:00

Okay, so I have a new, better goal for January. To somehow made it on to Cash Cab when I'm in NYC in a couple weeks. Really, I need to get on this show. It would be so amazing.

So on the Orange Line earlier today on my way to JP (don't ask...a favor for a friend) and I had a really good deep thought. But again I totally forgot it. I really need to start writing this stuff down.

And get on Cash Cab. And up my runnings. Ugh. So much to do.

Why Hello Old Man Winter

2011-12-29T00:18:00.002-05:00

Oh yeah. It got cold. Reeeaaaallllyy cold. And that's okay. Because it will get warm again. But probably not for at least 2 months. That's not so long, though, right? I mean, I've written something every day now for almost a month and I feel like it was just yesterday that I was writing posts closer to midnight than any other hour. Wait, that probably was yesterday.

Anyway. So I was running earlier today and was pretty comfortable at the almost 2 mile mark so I started thinking about the next month's goal or whatever and I think I'd like to get to a point where I run 10 miles/week. But I want to start small. So I'm going to start this week at 5 miles. And next week continue with 5 miles and increase one mile/week until I get to 10 miles/week.

But not more tonight. Tonight it's time for bed.

Isolation Station

2011-12-27T20:36:00.002-05:00

Things have not been going my way today. And man is it fucking pissing me off. I feel uncomfortable and moody and annoyed and worried and a bit helpless. Not fun feelings. And to be honest, I just want to be held and fed cheese and ice cream and for today to be over. But that's not going to happen.

So I took myself to the new Almodovar film and sat in the dark for 2 hours this afternoon and that worked. Until the movie was over and I left the theater. And I ordered in a pizza delivery but they didn't use the right crust and I was too hungry to call it in and get a replacement. So I'm thinking it's about time for me to pack it in tonight and just go to bed. Yeah, it's only 8:45 but right now I've just about had it and would really like to push the restart button.

Maybe after a nice long cry and a pile of chocolate.

Devil + 1

2011-12-26T21:24:00.004-05:00

I just saw that I have published 666 (Satan's number!!!) posts (not including this one). First, maybe that is why last night's post was kind of evil and not so up-beat (probably not). And second, that is a ton of posts. It's like a book. I could make a book out of this blog!

A book that no one would read.

So blah blah blah. Devil this devil that. The devil made me eat a pile of chocolate this morning for breakfast. Why do people blame the devil for stuff? Or Jesus for stuff for that matter? Don't get me wrong, I am fully aware that I am not god. Sure, for a while there (now) I thought that the world revolved around me. And really, if you saw my little baby and toddler pictures you would understand why...I was fucking cute. But I had to realize that I can't blame everything on something else. Sure, I might be inspired to do something good. But I did the next right thing. Or when I do something harmful. Not the devil. That would be me, too. And sometimes there are some really great things that happen to us. And some really bad things. And generally of no one's fault.

Stuff just is. Simple as that. And it always works out in the end. No matter what.

Or at least that is what I'm going to choose to believe today. So now I'm going to finish up some more of this project that I (not evil forces) have procrastinated on for a good 2 months now.

happy happy merry merry

2011-12-25T21:52:00.002-05:00

How is it possible that I feel exhausted when I haven't done jack shit today? Beats me. But that's where I am right now. And back in jammies watching Elf...for the millionth time this year.

And for dinner I'll be serving french bread pizzas and a pint of ice cream. Fucking yum.

It's time for this little elf to pack it in and enjoy the rest of the evening.

Merry Christmas!

Twas the Night Before Christmas

2011-12-24T22:38:00.002-05:00

And all through the flat.
George and Henry were stirring.
Just like normal cat(s).

All day I spent preening.
Making my self feel so good.
And chatting with girlfriends.
Stuffing our faces with food.

To the party with friends.
We laughed and we laughed.
Then we held Yankee Swap.
And a few got the shaft.

In a fresh pair of jammies.
And clean sheets on the bed.
The presents under the tree.
Will dance in the dreams in my head.

So good night my dear web.
I write with a yawn.
Wishing you the sweetest slumber.
And Merry Christmas at dawn!

That Snap

2011-12-24T00:16:00.003-05:00

Woah was it ever Cunty Friday around these parts! I was a huuuuuge bitch this morning. Not really to anyone. But I felt it inside, bubbling up.

But then this afternoon I got a call from a friend with some spectacular news. And then had dinner with friends and while we were laughing I looked over at them and said "NOW it feels like the holidays" and Raniah smiled and said "yes, yes it does" and we went on smiling and laughing and talking for a few more hours.

So yeah, it finally feels like the holidays. Which is nice. Especially since it'll be over soon and I can go back to my regularly scheduled life.

Sun Stopping

2011-12-22T23:44:00.002-05:00

Happy Solstice Interwebs!! It's that day of the year wherein daytime stops getting shorter and begins getting longer. But for some reason I feel like I don't notice it until about the end of January. It stays pretty dark around these parts until then. The Brooders had a reason to brood. It's a bit darker around here in the winter than it was in Chicago. A couple measly degrees of latitude can really make a difference.

Which makes it all the more important to have some really great and exciting plans in these dark, cold months. And all next week I am free like a birdie! Considering what I've learned about myself in the past...idle hands are the devil's workshop. Fortunately, I have a bunch of awesome plans and a whole lot of books to read.

Anyways, I need to actually eat dinner and head to bed. Tonight was full of wonderful conversation and catching up and I got so caught up catching up and saying I love yous that I kind of forgot to eat. Whoops!

Pants-free Wednesday Night

2011-12-21T22:18:00.003-05:00

Yep. Sitting on the couch. Munching on some toffee. Not wearing pants. And getting pretty close to packing it up for the night. Technically, I need to go into the office tomorrow and Friday. But I probably won't get in until around noon. And won't be staying until 8. The perks of flexibility.

So tonight I went to a class called Body Attack. It's 30 minutes of cardio. And essentially we just jumped up and down to some cheeseball faux rave music. And it was kind of awesome. There were these girls in class who are in high school. Remember high school? It was sooooo long ago. Like a lifetime ago. Or at least half of mine.

They were not the glory days that the song promised.

Anyway, that was kind of weird. To be around 16 year olds. They're like these little egos of tornado just waiting to happen. If I could go back and tell my 16 year old self something I don't even know where I'd start. I mean, I guess I could be like "don't drink and do drugs because they will really hinder your performance as a human being in all areas". But chances are I wouldn't feel as grateful as I do had I not experienced everything I have. Or I could be like "listen, focus on anything in the world other than boys". Or I could be like "do not let go of this relationship...it's a lot better than you thought and this kid is going to grow up and make something awesome of his life". Or probably more like "spend as much time as you can with your tried and true friends because those are the people who will get you through your life and help you feel good about yourself and you'll get to do the same thing back".

But you can't do that. And like a very good friend of mine says "these are the good old days so you better enjoy them". And you know what? She is right. Thank goodness me now knows to spend as much time as I can with my best pals and enjoy each other.

Time for dinner...it's a camembert with fig spread on a cracker kind of night.

Final Wrap Up

2011-12-20T23:32:00.003-05:00

Aaaaaaand I'm officially done with shopping. And wrapping. With a few days to spare.

As much as I love shopping for others and wrapping gifts, it's nice to feel like it's accomplished. Now to relax and get a bit more read of Tinker Tailor Soldier Spy....really didn't think I'd like it but have been pleasantly suprised.

Sole of Yankees

2011-12-19T21:16:00.002-05:00

Sssshhhh....seeeecreeeettttsssss.

I am hooked on that awful CW television show Hart of Dixie. It is terrible. Even worse than Gossip Girl. But I love it. Even enough to watch reruns.

So happy fuckin' Monday. It's been a pretty good day. I still don't remember what I was supposed to want to write about. Maybe it was that Henry and George are adorable and I love them so much. But everyone already knows that. How could anyone resist Henry's pink paw pads. Or Georgie's prancing.

God, this show is so terrible. I can't stop. This is way better than anything Kardashian. Because there is nothing real about it. And they're not trying to be real. They are Southern Belles with eating disorders and big hair and named things like Lemon. And the accents are so bad. Almost as bad as Blanche's accent the first season of Golden Girls.

Wow, I need to do something productive to counteract that last paragraph and its stupidity.

Time to read.

Reminders of What I'm Not Missing

2011-12-18T23:05:00.002-05:00

Uh, so Blue Valentine is not a happy movie. Just in case you were planning on watching it and needing a pick-me-up sort of film. Nope. Not one bit. It's good and disturbing. But I kind of want to be like "heeeeey you guys are a mess and you should not act like that".

When it was over I immediately turned it off and comforted myself with knowing that I never have to watch it again.

Phew!

So this week at work is hopefully going to be easy breezy. And then next week there is no work. And no school. Party time!!

I keep remembering that I wanted to write about something on here but then I forget about what. Probably not about how I have watched Elf like 3x/week for the past couple weeks. And I kind of want to watch it over and over even more.

Yeah. Nope. That wasn't it. But that was something.

It's Hard to Think Straight...

2011-12-18T00:00:00.003-05:00

...when you have a belly full of amazing butterscotch pudding.

Just got back from a delightful 3-hour dinner with Raniah at Rialto.

Om nom nom motherfuckers.

I'm pooped. Today ruled. Or most of it did. Time to shut my eyes.

This Fairy Tale Life

2011-12-16T22:56:00.003-05:00

Never in a million years. Last night I was talking with some friends and it was brought to my attention that two years ago around the holidays I was pulling in decent grades, had a boyfriend, and weighed 20 lbs less. This year it's the holidays and I'm relishing in spending tonight watching a silly movie, no prospects around, actually had some problems in one of my classes this semester, and I can't seem restrict no matter hard I try. And I had to laugh.

George and Henry are my woodland creatures.

And all of those other outside things like pants size or losing a pound or even when The Waiter asked me to go out feel good. For about 2 minutes. But the pound or the size don't really matter and there are always more pounds to lose. And the guy, well, he never followed through. So rather than wait around to see if he'd ever get his shit together, I'm pretty sure I solidified him not contacting me again. (no psycho girl shit) I don't feel great about knowing that won't grow into anything. But like with Bipolar a year ago, I had to get very honest with myself when evaluating what I wanted out the relationship (or lack thereof). When the truth came back that I wanted them for more than just pals and I really don't feel like I could divorce myself from those feelings, it was time that I closed the book because I was on the verge of feeling hurt and the outcome of it coming out the way I wanted it was grim.

Bummer.

But that's life. Wanting what you have isn't settling. It's accepting that at this precise moment I have two choices: I can wish for what I think I should have or I can bask in the glow of the things I do.

Like most nights, it's a kitty purring on my lab, a warm, delicious-smelling bed to cozy up into, and a whole lot of gratitude.

Tree Trimmings

2011-12-16T00:54:00.002-05:00

And tonight we decorated Taylor & Jake's tree. Snacks and cookies and love and hugs. Ornaments and lights.

Oh, and I finished all of my Christmas shopping. Which is always superfun.

(yawn!) Time for bed.

HOLY SHIT TROGAN VIBRATING TWISTER?!?!? What just came on to the television? Get one as a gift for the holidays? Oh god please let this Christmas bring a story of someone receiving one of these for Christmas. That would just make my year.

(so would a good date...but that's an unfair request)

Worse than the Kardashians

2011-12-14T21:57:00.003-05:00

HERMAN CAIN. Who the fuck is this dude? I am so confused.

First. A black Republican. How much do you have to hate yourself to be a black Republican?

Second. Who is this guy even? What has he done? Other than harass women? And not understand world geography?

Third. He's not even as bad (maybe?) as this terrible Rick Perry dude.

What is going on with the world? When did the president of the US become the running joke? Reagan, I guess. But still.

I need more ice cream.

It Made Me Love More

2011-12-13T22:03:00.002-05:00

It's finally cold. Like winter cold. So far I've been toughening myself up a bit for when it drops another 30 degrees. But soon it'll be unbearable to wait for the train without gloves. And I'll scurry from the bus stop to the building I work in, letting out a big puff of hot air I'd been holding in, as if it would keep me warmer or make the wind sting my face any less.

Last year I felt so grateful for that sting. And most days I still am. Some days, like yesterday, I was not terribly grateful to be outside of my apartment. Or walking out in the cold. Or dealing with others. And it seemed that on my way into work that everyone was just getting in my way. Here and there. Walking out in front of me. Not getting out of my way. Like the whole world was against me getting to work. And I get so frustrated and just want to scream "get the fuck out of my way". But I'm not really in a rush. Or a rush to what I have no clue. And it's usually about then I realize that the one getting in the way is me. So I try to take a step back. If I try to conjure that gratitude for out walking about it doesn't tend to work so well. And the snap doesn't happen immediately. But it is an immediate change. I just don't get to choose when it happens. But it does. Every time.

This morning was different. I woke up with a belly full of love from last night's chat with Kim. And a message from Megan. And a Henry snuggled right up on my arm. Fortunately, I didn't have any struggle seeing the day as an opportunity to see what awaits me this morning. It didn't bring much. A late night at work. A good spin class. Singing to Sharon Van Etten as I type this up, a stripey cat named George purring wildly on my lap. Nice way to close out the day and rest before the next one brings the chance to to smile or frown or change my mind.

Fuck You English Toffee

2011-12-12T22:18:00.003-05:00

God, this stuff is so good. Have you had English Toffee? It is like little bites of heaven that you can get in bulk from Trader Joe's.

Golden Girls marathon and English Toffee. Really, life doesn't get much better than this. So much better than watching those Kardashian people.

So you know that Rolling Stones song about getting what you need but not what you want blah blah blah? Well, it's kind of true. And I hate to admit that seeing as I kind of dislike that band. Or rather, never saw the draw. Anyway, lately I have not been getting my way. And I've been a little cunty about it. This morning especially. I was feeling pretty pretty pretty cunty. But then I got my shit a little more together and poof I felt so much better.

In other news...did you know that Christmas is in like a week and a half?! Yowzahs. Where did the time go?

Wishing for things that weren't what was best for me. That's where.

No Work Weekends

2011-12-11T20:49:00.003-05:00

None. No work got done this weekend. And it felt really good.

The cats are snuggled up under the teeny tree and my heart explodes a little bit every time I look over at it.

My brain explodes a little bit when I watching these terrible Kardashian people. Have you seen them? They're a goddamn train wreck. But I can't stop watching. This is like crack tv. TV crack. And who is this Khloe one? She knows at least a little about what she's talking about. Even though she is wearing a hippy headband of rhinestones or something. Whatever. There are other things I can obsess about right now.

Like how I gotta admit, too, that for the first time in a long time I am not really motivated to go to work tomorrow. Usually I am pretty ready to go back to work on Monday. Nope. I want to lay around for like 48 more hours.

LISTEN TO MY BULLSHIT!!! I'm like these Kardashian people! Complaining about nothing. These are a bad signs.

Baaaaad.

If I start sleeping with fake eyelashes on somebody better intervene. Please.

Wholesome Adventures Ahoy

2011-12-11T00:02:00.003-05:00

What was once the day in which I would wake up to force myself into the gym, stinking up the general area around me with the choice of booze from the night oozing from my pores only to start the party all over again in the early afternoon (or noon...whatever) has granted me the ability to actually participate in life. Like today...spinning (no cloud of awful surrounding me physically and mentally), manis with Amanda, and 12 full hours with Raniah and Dalia.

What a fucking relief. Really. Sometimes I forget how fortunate I am to have this opportunity. And every time I remember this I can't help but smile. A lot.

TGIF!!

2011-12-09T22:34:00.003-05:00

Oh god fucking shoot me that I actually just used that. But really. I'm goddamn happy about it being the weekend. Mostly because I actually have a pile of superawesome plans with friends. Shopping, and eating, and hugs, and kitties, and babies, and skipping.

But until tomorrow comes (yay for Raniah and Eileen!!) it's time to relax and watch Our Idiot Brother. So far...it's pretty bad.

Still Saying Stupid Things

2011-12-08T22:15:00.003-05:00

I honestly don't think that there will ever come a day wherein I don't say stupid shit all the time. Usually it's when I'm nervous. And almost always involves a dude I'm attracted to.

And it tends to work against me.

Yesterday's post was not full of stupid things. (tonight's probably will be) But one thing that I didn't really write as I should have. That whole thing about the dude from NYC. Let's call him The Comic. I don't really want The Comic to email me telling me that he's in love with me because you know what...he doesn't know me. And nor I him. Other than talking at a party. And that would be what restraining orders are made of. Back in the day I thought that is how love worked. You find someone and you fall in love and wham bam thank you maam...happily ever after.

Please note that this is coming from someone with a very poor track record in the love department.

But like anything else, something worth doing is worth doing well. And doing things well is hard work. Did you know this? Before about a year and a half ago I did not know this. Just kind of skated along and performed at a just-above-average rate.

Seeeecret: I'm a lazy underachiever.

So back to the point...stupid shit I say all the time. That's probably never changing. What I can hope for is that people have patience with me when I'm sticking my foot in my mouth.

Repeating Mistakes

2011-12-07T22:40:00.004-05:00

Mistake #1: Eating a whole Trader Joe's Bean Dip for dinner. Oof. Let the Farty Party begin!!

Mistake #2: Emailing the dude I met a couple months ago in NYC to see how he's doing. Why is this a mistake? Because I want a response somewhere along the lines of "thank you for emailing i love you let's practice making babies". And I'm thinking that there will be no response. So the date on Monday night was okay but there was clearly nothing between the dude and me. No butterflies. No spark. No nervousness. But there was with the dude from NYC I met one night at a party. But I regularly must remind myself that dudes will act if they want to. If they're not calling it's because they don't want to....they can find your number. If you have mutual friends they can definitely find your number. If your number is on your Facebook profile and you're friends on that life-ruining website, then they have NO EXCUSE not to find your number.

Speaking of people getting numbers from Facebook, The Waiter has yet again poof disappeared. Which leads me to...

Mistake #3: Getting my hopes up AT ALL (even the teensiest little bit) when The Waiter (I was using real names but am back to the nicknames when they douche out) asked me to go rock climbing because guess what...he's a flake. He was 2 years ago and he still is. Should I be worried that maybe he would read this and then never call me? NO. Why? Because he stopped thinking about me the last time he contacted me. Also he does not know or give a shit about my stupid blog. (if he did he would clearly be like "god this girl is an hilarious genius!!!"...ha ha ha ha ha.)

And that is just fine. But it still hurts my (oversized) ego a bit. Give it a week and I'll be fine. It'll also be better after some of this delicious Cinnamon ice cream in my freezer.

Just in time for me to feel better for a while and plunge right back into my regularly made mistakes in about 4-6 weeks time.

Balmy

2011-12-06T23:11:00.002-05:00

While I'm fully aware that what I'm about to write is not popular thought among most in the area....this weather is freaking me out and I want it to be winter.

I like seasons. That's part of why I live where I live. No, February is not wonderful. But I feel it's part of the process. If I wanted 60 degree days in December I would live in Atlanta. Not Boston. I like snow. Mostly because I don't drive or have to shovel anything. I love sleeping in the cold all bundled up under my blankets.

So sue me.

Anyway, I decided to finish watching City Lights tonight and realized that I've seen this before. I have no idea when. But I have. It's kind of odd. Chaplin is a weirdo, huh? I read his autobiography years ago and really enjoyed it. But came away from it feeling like he was even more of a weirdo than I'd already suspected. Read it and find out what I mean. Or just look up the Wiki page if you're unfamiliar with Chaplin's penchant for the younger ladies.

The more you know!!

Good excuses

2011-12-06T01:34:00.003-05:00

For the most part, excuses are bullshit. Bull.Shit. And so is tonight's reason for not having written yet.

Oh wait...no, it is not bullshit. Because for the first time in 2011 I had a date. Just one. It went better than other dates I've had. Gonna leave it at that.

Fucking phew.

The Days of Wine and Roses

2011-12-04T22:33:00.003-05:00

Ugh. Last night was terrible. I had a very vivid, but obviously unreal, dream that I was in grad school but in the town where I did undergrad and I hadn't looked at any of my finals schedules but instead of doing anything about it (Calculus in particular) I bought a four pack of cheap vodka nips and a soft pack of Newport Lights.

When I finally got out of bed this morning (kept waking up in the night, hoping to leave the dream but then returning right to it) I felt so guilty and full of shame. It was awful. When I left the apartment to meet with friends my walk was off and I felt clumsy. Like I was hungover or something.

Not regularly do I experience dreams where I'm drinking. (thankfully) And when I do I know that it's something that I don't even want to do. So strange. I mean, it'd be different if I were dreaming that I was tucked all cozy into one of the good ol' wine forts with some ridiculous, delicious bottle. No. They're like nightmares and always always always include cheap vodka or like Miller Lite. Fucking barf, man.

To cheer myself up I went to Whole Foods for some sort of insane cheese (which I sufficiently obtained) and picked up a teeeeensy little Christmas tree while I was there. It's so cute! And fun! And so I spent the evening punching the shit out of a bag for an hour & even getting in some ring time, writing a paper on acculturation, watching a Charlie Chaplin movie, and eating said ridiculous cheese, all in the glow of little white Christmas lights.

You know, these moods used to really get me down and keep me down. It's amazing what a little bit of perspective and a lot of just-fucking-let-it-go-and-it-will-go-away will do. Time to do just that with today.

Saturday Schmatterday

2011-12-03T22:00:00.002-05:00

After a long week of work I usually have no desire to do anything on Saturday. And like most Saturdays, I did just that. Not like nothing nothing but certainly minimal amounts of chores.

And maximum amounts of awesome shit.

You can quote me on that "maximum amounts of awesome shit". We should put that on tee shirts!

So Amanda and I went to see The Descendants tonight. A lot of people wear tee shirts in that movie. And it was really good. No tee shirt correlation. Or at least if there was, there's no way to tell in which way the causal direction occurred.

Get it? I made an Epidemiology joke about Cross Sectional studies. Wasn't funny? That's why I should stick to not working, even at stupid jokes, on Saturdays.

Now I'm rotting my brain watching Sweet Home Alabama. I watched this awful movie a while back, too, and wrote about how I shouldn't be watching it & will only depress me. Do I listen? No. Just like how I have had several people tell me to never ever ever watch another one of those bullshit Twilight movies but you know what? I will probably watch them all and then bitch about them for like years.

But really. I'm watching Reese Witherspoon be annoying and still get her way in the end and wear cute clothes and the commercials have this huge woman named Hazel and her kitchen. She just served some dude with a mop of blonde curly hair Pina Colada pie and she specifically said "there's no whiskey in that pie...I don't allow whiskey in my kitchen".

Hazel and I have something in common. Maybe we should be best friends. Right after I stop being best friends with the pizza and chocolate eclair I have in front of me right now.

Not quite living behind the eight ball...

2011-12-02T23:34:00.004-05:00

Seriously. This is the second day in a row I haven't walked through my door until 11:30. Unfortunately, tonight's activity wasn't superfun like laughing with my gal Taylor about how her boyfriend's grandma who has had an alcohol-induced stroke can get and keep a boyfriend whereas I am speeding into Year 2 of no dates. Nope, it was one of those necessary nights where I'm stuck in the office until after 10:30.

Not exactly what you'd call a kickin' Friday night.

But in the end it's worth it. The boss travels a lot. We still need to get stuff done. And fortunately, George and Henry sleep until I get home. (then they get up, I feed them, they eat, and go back to sleep)

So again, I am sleepy, and hungry, and not funny. The worst part is that I have SO MANY AWESOME STORIEEEEEES AND IDEEEEAS. But those will just have to wait until later this weekend and next week and the rest of the month.

Nighty night...spinning comes early on Saturday mornings.

On Failing

2011-12-01T23:46:00.003-05:00

Well, clearly this is doomed to fail due to poor planning on my part. Unless I write something and post it within 12 minutes it will already be December 2. So maybe I'll just write without editing.

Bad Idea Jeans.

So I got home late tonight because Taylor & I were laughing too much. Is that really a problem? I didn't think so. Especially after the day I've had.

Earlier today I had meetings with not one but three whole people in the Epi department because (suspenseful pause) I was FAILING a class. And not like "oh god I think I might fail". Like honestly failing. Which sucks because I am really enjoying this class but just not getting it. Have you taken Epidemiologic Modeling? It's hard stuff. Or maybe not and I'm just becoming stupid. Who knows.

Here's the thing, though. I was all set to fail. Embracing it even. Like then I got to be like "I FAILED A CLASS AND I DID NOT TOTALLY FREAK OUT!!!". But then the professor and I had a nice talk today about options.

Long story short, I dropped the class. But still get to go to lecture! Why, you ask, would I ever want to do that? Because I really really really thought that the class helped me to understand the concepts I've (kind of?) learned the past couple years.

So it's a happy ending about a situation that could have been so bad (my GPA could have tanked, I could have spent the next 20 days stressed out to the max because I was going to inevitably fail).

And it made tonight just that much better and more relaxed and comfortable to spend with one of the best gals in all the world.

Ugh...this is not funny or original or anything. I'm tired. It's 12:10. I've failed my first day of Blog Month.

Thank goodness I get to try again in less than 24 hours.

New Goals

2011-11-27T22:43:00.003-05:00

Remember like 2 years ago when I decided to make February Operation Pudge-be-Gone? And how I was skinny for like a month? I'm not going to do that again. Mostly because I am hungry like all the time and can't imagine my life without ice cream and kind of don't care as much anymore about being all skinny.

(the lies i tell myself)

So since I got 2 whole comments on my post about Breaking Dawn Part I and the bullshit mind-fuck that these books are doing to our youths (don't even get me started on the Oprah mind-fuck), I feel like the people want to hear more from me. (no they don't) So I'm going to make my December goal to post a little something. SOMETHING ANYTHING. Everyday. Just of December. But at least then I will have written something. Probably a whole bunch of bullshit. Or like crying about how I totally wish that the British waiter would get his shit together and realize that I am goddamn amazing. (he will not ever get his shit together and realize that I am goddamn amazing) Or maybe I will be struck by the holiday spirit and post something positive everyday.

Please stop laughing.

Guess what I'm doing tonight. A cleanse. Or a detox. Something for my kidneys. You see, I don't have to detox from massive quantities of drugs and alcohol anymore. But my facialist or aethetician (how do you even spell that?) was like "you have some residual stuff that you're still trying to get rid of drink all of this tea" and I was like "okay, whatever you say you're the boss". But the truth is that it's probably because I still sometimes eat like shit (Anna's Taqueria!) and I am so shallow that I freak out when I have like 3 little zits on my cheeks. So this stuff has a warning on it that maybe I will get diarrhea. So in a roundabout way, it's kind of like Operation Pudge be Gone again because I might lose a ton of weight due to shitting my brains out.

So I'll let you know on December 1 how that goes. Or maybe sooner. Who knows. I'll probably write about how rad Thanksgiving was. Best Thanksgiving Ever.

But for now...I gotta do more work (yes I work at 11:00 on Sunday nights) and go to bed.

Sleeeeeeeeeepy.

2011-11-26T23:24:00.003-05:00

So. I keep being like "I should write some stuff down I keep having these deeeeeeep thoughts" and then I forget them or I get too busy doing other stuff or whatever. Earlier today, on my way to Charlestown I was walking from the Green Line to the Orange line at Park Street and thought about how poetic felt. I've been jamming on Junip this weekend and kind of bopped through the corridor.

Recently I've been really torn. Like I am fully aware of my singledom. And am generally perfectly fine and content with it. But the holidays do weird things to you. Especially when I realized that I have not had a date in a year. Yes, a FULL YEAR. That is a long goddamn time. Especially especially when that last date was a single date. Not like a string of dates. One. Since like 9 months prior to that.

Now, I know what you're thinking....go online. No. I absolutely refuse to do online dating. Oh, you weren't thinking that? You were thinking that I should just shut the hell up? Probably. But I have to be honest with myself that it would be nice. It's been so long since I've actually been interested in and it's gone somewhere. Yeah, there have been a couple crushes lately but no reciprocation. How? I don't know. Who doesn't want a fat ballerina with cats who answers work emails at 11 o'clock on a Saturday night? Now I'm just whiney. Like that ridiculous movie I was tricked into seeing tonight...Breaking Dawn.

Have you seen this? It's awful. And it would be so awful in that way that's kind of awesome. But as soon as the Pro-Life propaganda started I tuned it all out completely. Awful. Total bullshit. We're all allowed our own opinions. But you see, a lot of 19-year-olds are going to start thinking that getting knocked up is a great idea. Mark my words....teen pregnancy is going to go through the roof. (please teens prove me wrong but when i'm not do not expect sympathy)

So anyway, I'm sitting in this movie, growing anger and plotting the take-down of the Twilight empire because it is CLEARLY WRONG. Just like how Oprah and her little pal, Dr. Phil, will someday see their demise on my watch. But then I realize that these things are really not helping me out in the date department.

Back on track...I've been finishing about a book/week lately. Just finished "Dry" by Augusten Burroughs. Wowzers. It's awesome. Speaking of awesome, I have clean sheets on my bed and a new book calling my name and I am all worn out from feeling combative toward tween movies. I'm never getting another date again.

Music Will Bring Us Together

2011-11-13T21:04:00.004-05:00

With a heavy heart I write having learned on Friday that a friend died the day before. The obituary says that he passed but ever since reading that one passage in The World According to Garp, I've hesitate to use the phrase passed away. Neil died. Or at least his body did. His profound effect on others will be with us for as long as his goofy smile stays burned on our brains.

We weren't best friends. We hadn't talked in over a year. But it still hurts my heart to know that there is one less generous soul among us. So many people weren't afforded that feeling that you are special when you opened his door and saw his face. He truly made you feel special. The only solace in the situation is the gratitude I feel from having had the experience and hoping that from his example we can project that feeling on to others.

This never gets any easier. This death thing. But it's not going away. And is one of the risks you face when you are fortunate enough to have the opportunity to love people. Because they love you back. No matter what. Even if someone stops loving you, or you stop loving them because of death or any other reason. There will always be love between you. Nothing can ever take that away. And if you're grateful for it, passing it on is how to keep that love alive inside of you and allow someone else to love you too.

Tonight I made a condolence call. The wake and funeral are in Chicago. I'm in Boston. But I called Megan, a wonderful woman I met through Neil, to offer a sorry and let her know I'm thinking of her. Like Neil, she and I hadn't talked in a while. I expected to leave a message but she picked up. And it was amazing to hear her sweet voice. We got to make a quick catch up and promised to talk tomorrow. And at the end we naturally exchanged I love yous. Like we always had. Since the night I met the two of them at the SummerDance Fest on a hot Wednesday night in Grant Park howevermany years ago. You don't get to make that sort of connection with people everyday.

But that won't stop me from trying. Just like Neil did.

He is already missed. And will be for a long time. I am forever grateful for all he has done and what he still will do, even if he couldn't be here with us physically anymore.

Love you, buddy.

Cure Revealed!!

2011-10-16T20:47:00.003-04:00

Want to know how to roll yourself out of a bad mood? First, it's not easy and you have to want to not be in a bad mood anymore. Many times I actually want to stay in a bad mood. Why? So that I have something to complain about because, quite frankly, my life is kind of ridiculous. And because I know that these bad moods sometimes (usually) mean that there is a mini-meltdown on the horizon and if I stay cunty then I don't move into the later stages.

Earlier today when a friend and I were discussing dating (for the millionth time) and she was like "why don't you try the onlines?" and I was like "NO FUCKING WAY MAN...first, I don't even know if I want to date anyone, and second he'd have to be ridiculously special because any dude would be the twinkles in the sprinkles on the sundae which is my rad life" and she was like "agreed".

I like to complain about that a lot, too. Not dating anyone. Because it's like The Go-To. And people expect it from a single lady. So rather than being like "did you see that documentary about Sholem Alecheim?" and people being like "woah woah woah who what where why aren't you supposed to complain about trying to get knocked up and marry some rich dude?" I usually just go with it. Because if some dude who was superawesome came along and we were like destined by the stars or something then sure, let's see what happens. If not, oh well. Still, people like to talk about it all the time and I like to complain about it when I'm feeling insecure and don't really want to let someone know the "real me"...whatever that means.

But that is all lame boring stuff. Better, awesome stuff is like how to get yourself out of a funk. First, start out with ordering a pizza on Cunty Thursday and getting hit on by the cute townie who made your pie when you go to pick it up. He was like "blah blah blah the movie Rad" and I was like "um, John Farnham rules" and then he obviously fell in love with me because anyone would. HA HA!

The ego boost was really nice.

Then talk to like a million of your friends. Spend time with them. Good time with them. In a safe place. And even if you don't feel like laughing, do it anyway. Because your friends are funny. And they just want you to smile. So when you smile and laugh that makes them smile and laugh and the whole thing is like a cycle of happy. Having been a friend in this equation before, I know that it is true. And then when one of them is telling you something they think you can relate to and gain help from it's okay to cry. A lot. Even in public. Because you are releasing the demons, er, the FEEEEEELINGS.

And you are not a robot.

Then spend more time with your friends because you might still spontaneously cry. And they will be like "oh you can't be sad with a chocolate milkshake in one hand any my baby in your other hand look at that she said that she loves you Auntie Emily!". And she's right. It is physically impossible to be really upset when you have a chocolate milkshake in one hand and a 3-year-old holding your other hand.

Once you're feeling more stable go do some exercise. Preferably mindless exercise, like ellipsing while watching Clueless. And finally make something warm. Not out of a box. Not take out. Doesn't have to complicated, but it has to be from scratch. Start it with raw ingredients, stir it, wait for it patiently, and let it get tasty.

Wrap yourself in a blanket like it's your safe cocoon, put on your favorite movie, and eat your food. Ignore the work emails. Work will be there tomorrow morning when you get in. For tonight, bask in the peace that visiting your insides and depending on the kindness of humanity brings you.

Cunty Thursday

2011-10-13T21:07:00.004-04:00

Yeah, that's what today is...Cunty Thursday. Man, I am in a BAD MOOD. And have been like all week. Nothing really happened. Work's the same old work. I even pulled a B+ on a paper I wrote in an hour for school (not really so proud of that one but appreciate the get out of jail free card). I've been boxing more this week than usual, which should make me like totally out of aggression. I'm balleting really well. And I've been eating chocolate candies for dinner because I got a water bottle full of chocolate for Halloween and I can't use the water bottle until I eat all of the delicious treats inside soooo....

Wait, that doesn't make sense? You shut the hell up.

See! Cunty Thursday has me in its grips. So you know the only cure for Cunty Thursday?

Neither do I. But I'm going to try a few things out. These things include but are not limited to...not talking to anyone else for the rest of the night because I have no business conversing with anyone, finding delicious foods to stuff in my mouth because I am hungry, not cooking those foods because I am feeling like a lazy bitch, taking a bath and singing loudly because that's just what I feel like, watching shit tv, or maybe a cheeseball movie. Who knows. The world is my oyster to feel annoyed in right now.

Harumph!!

Man, I cannot wait until this mood passes by and I can go back to being fucking awesome.

Whirlwind Twirlwind

2011-10-03T17:28:00.005-04:00

So. This morning I dragged myself out of a warm, comfy bed on Bleecker and Mercer to "smart walk" (you know, the walk when you want to go fast but look silly and like you are a WOMAN ON A MISSION) up to the Union Square subway stop at 6 fucking o'clock this morning. I was smart walking, for sure. In a summer dress with tights and a million lb bag because it was stuffed full of my computer and research and cookies from Milk Bar (this is how I get shit done around here...cookies) and a beautiful new dress.

My mission was to make the 7 o'clock Bolt bus back to Boston because I'd missed the Sunday afternoon one I was supposed to make. Whoops is right. And really, I did not so much want to come home. The past couple times that I've been to New York I've felt a bit melancholy about heading home. Hell, in July a cried on the bus as we were leaving Manhattan. I was also letting one of the sweetest things anyone has ever said to me (thank you mandy) sink in and was whimpering a little with tears quietly rolling down my face as I gazed out the window in one of those really dramatic moments. I bet the rest of the bus thought that my boyfriend had just broken up with me or something.

This time I watched Leaving Las Vegas. Not the best decision I've made in my life.

So this picture was what I saw as I was normal walking down 34th Street this morning (after I knew that I would make it to 34th & 8th on time). And you know, I really could get used to this view. I love New York. That city makes me fall for it a little more every time I'm there. The energy. The food. The ballet classes. The people. I stayed at Physics John's place again. Be he was in Baltimore with his family so I had the whole place to myself. And I did what any other normal person would do with an apartment on Manhattan.

Walked around in my underpants. And ate cookies. Fucking heaven.

So I twirled around Saturday morning in the ballet studio. And had lunch with the ladies. And cuddled my baby cousin. And even went to a party in Brooklyn (isn't that supposed to be where all of the hip people are or something?). And I am fully aware that all of my happy occurrences would be different if I moved down to NYC. But this weekend also made me realize that I could afford to head down there about once/month. Wouldn't that be nice? Maybe we'll stretch it to every 8 weeks.

It also made me realize that I am going to be needing a vacation here soon. Or like a longer than 48 hour trip somewhere outside of Brookline. Winter's coming.....time to update that passport because we need to head south.

Confined Spaces

2011-09-22T22:23:00.003-04:00

So did you know that cats can have sibling rivalry? Well they can. My brother and I have sibling rivalry. It used to be pretty bad. We're better friends now. But we still fight for our parents' affection. And I wanted to be like my brother's best friend forever and he was like "ew nerd sister get away from me you are annoying". I think that's just how it goes. Anyway. George and Henry were fighting like cats and dogs just now but they're just cats. So they were fighting like cats with sibling rivalry.

Man am I ever happy that bath weather is back. Do you know how awesome that is? It forces me to step away from my phone and my computer and outside life for like an hour. Yeah, I have my toonz. And George and Henry (they like to keep me company, is that weird?). And I sing. Which I'm pretty sure my neighbors can hear and so they turn up their teevee or something. If they have a problem with it, I will be more than happy (no I won't) to tone it down a little bit. So now I am squeaky clean and smell like vanilla and lavender, which is supposed to lull me to sleep. Fat chance.

I would say "speaking of fat" and then go into some long diatribe to me from me about how fucking fat I am but that is stupid and annoying. Whatever. I'm happy. And healthy. And am still working out like it's my job or whatever. You don't see that on the teevee so much, do you? Someone who gains weight and becomes healthy is now happy? People have to lose weight to be happy on the television.

It rots the brain.

Speaking of food....there is a delicious crepe with my name on it waiting just for me.

Music in The Tub

2011-09-18T20:53:00.002-04:00

So. Did I ever mention the best part of my teeeeeeny tiiiiiiiiiny leeeeeddle apartment? No? There is a light over the bathtub. Like, a separate light that is not with the regular light. So I can turn off all the lights in my apartment other than the one in the bathtub and it becomes so dark except for my little light and kind of quieter. I know that electricity doesn't make any sound but it makes me feel more buzzy.

Anyway. Tonight I got home from the grocery and was feeling a little bit of the restless what to dos. And since it's getting chilly out again I thought "time for a tub!". So that's what I did. For like a whole hour. Just sitting. Doing sudoku puzzles. And singing my little heart out.

Want to know what I sang? (this is so embarrassing) Air & Ani Difranco & The Cowboy Junkies & The Cranberries & Dar Williams & Liz Phair & Llasa de la Sela & Lou Barlow & Poi Dog Pondering & Ricky Lee Jones & Sarah Harmer & Sera Cahoone & Sharon Van Etten & The Talking Heads. If I knew how to do it, I would post that mix for you on the webs like Stephen does but I don't. So you'll have to figure out your own bathing mix. Maybe yours won't be so lady mellow. All the songs rule. But it was certainly slanted more toward the Lifetime Television for Women Singer Songwriter side of being.

And it was truly just what I needed. For like 5 minutes before my bath I was starting to feel sorry for myself because sometimes I do that. You know? Like "oooooooo poor single me with my kick ass life". And for like a millisecond that whole find yourself completed through someone else creeps in and j lo rom coms win. But then I sing for a while in my tub or go for my long walks around Brookline or sit in my tire swing and write and I remember that I am exactly where I need to be right now. Whatever will happen will happen.

So I finished one of the supermegahard sudokus and felt proud of myself and was sing sing singing along to "Explain it to Me" and swishing around in the water with my hands because the bath bomb that I used has sparkles in it and is really fun to splash around. And felt so happy.

It's about time for the seasons to change. This was a great summer but better to move on before it gets stale. I like to do that, you know. Hold on to something, squeeze the life out of it. Until it's ruined. And I'm left with a memory of what it was but hadn't been for a long time. Or I've done that before. Probably we all have. That isn't an allusion to me jumping ship and getting out of dodge, switching everything up. Or being like "it's been real VIVA ESPANA!!!" because thankfully I know now that will never solve any of my problems. Eat Pray Love is bullshit, by the way. Just in case you were wondering.

Speaking of that woman, Jaimie was telling me the other week that I should read her (EPY author)'s book about marriage. And while maybe some day I will, right now I'm not really signing up for any of that. While I'm comfortable with myself and others' relationships, I don't feel any need to research something that doesn't really affect me at all at this point in my life and no matter how much I try or don't makes you feel at least a little bit inadequate as a human being. Part of that, also, is that regardless of my choices, I do not feel the need to justify them one way or another to anyone. Because for the most part, I kind of don't give a shit.

For a long time I was anti a whole lot of things. Because that's what you do in youth. You're anti establishment. Or anti religion. Or anti marriage. Or anti placing strict gender roles on children. Okay, so the anti-religion one kind of stuck. BUT. They've all mellowed out considerably. And the truth of the matter is that for the most part that whole "don't give a shit" thing came into play.

You know, I don't go hang out in bars any more or go on pub crawls or even hang out with my friends when they're getting superwasted because that's not my lifestyle any longer. It, many times, makes me feel uncomfortable. Not that I all of a sudden feel uncomfortable in those situations but I used to just get black out so that I could handle being social. No more black outs means complete awareness of how much you really didn't want to be there to begin with and probably should leave.

Lately, that's how I've reacted to dating and the questions and certain people even. Just kind of stay out of it because I'm sick of answering questions. And I know people are trying to be encouraging and help. Or lending their sage advice. But how do you take advice seriously from a woman who you want to sit down and say "honey, your husband is gay so maybe some of the plans you're making aren't such a great idea". But you don't because it's not your relationship and maybe he's not. (he is)

But I digress...with the seasons changing and autumn springing into action it only feels natural to be settling down. School's back in session. Everything is coming up pumpkin-flavored out here on the East Coast. And I've been here before last year. I've grooved through this season without self destructing. And I know there's a nice path ahead of me. Sometimes I still get pretty down on myself about not nabbing myself some baggillionaire who wants to put babies in me. But like a very good friend of mine said last time I was visiting NYC, "you know, all these relationships with the one or whatever are just a distraction from the truth that we're really all alone in this world".

We certainly can share what we choose with others but in the end, she is right. And that's okay. Because even if you don't find your own little distraction, you can buy one fuck of a lot of bath bombs.

Lately...

2011-09-14T00:13:00.001-04:00

The crickets sing me to sleep while a lay on my couch and read. Sometimes I can't believe how simply charming my life is and feel overwhelmed with gratitude.

It sure is nice.

When I Grow Up....

2011-09-03T23:17:00.002-04:00

....I want to be Helen Mirren. Is that too much to ask?

Didn't think so.

Also. This is the last weekend before classes start. So I'm celebrating in a typical fashion. By doing a bunch of writing on a tire swing in a park while the crickets chirp. And hanging out with friends laughing. And making as few plans as possible.

A more important issue, though, might be contemplating why I'm watching Sweet Home Alabama. (and actually enjoying it)

Someone needs a date. Bad. To remind me how wonderful I have it.

Research Revisited

2011-08-06T21:50:00.002-04:00

Yikes. Where does the time go? Flying off into the wind. Summer's almost gone. Which is okay. It's been nice. But the summer depressions hit right around this time of year. And people (including myself) start to go a little nuts. Maybe it's Mars Retrograde or whatever the fuck that made up bullshit is. Sorry, astrologers, it's fun...but it's make believe.

Bleck...that isn't positive. You know what is? Just got back from a Saturday night run, doing research, and watching Fried Green Tomatoes. Or rather, listening to, I guess. It's nice.

Lots of nice things, huh? Oh man! I met my newest little cousin last month. Immediately I fell in love with the tiniest, sweetest little girl in all of NYC. Can't wait to watch her grow up and spoil her rotten.

Uh oh. Social emergency in somewhere that isn't Boston.

Adventures in Rebellion: Not Reading the Safety Card

2011-06-29T23:13:00.005-04:00

Settling in to the new job. And right around the corner I start up with class again. Thankfully, the rest of my classes are "fun". No more law (bleck). No more programming (super-bleck). But I get to use what I've learned going forward.

So I was in Baltimore for like 20 hours last week. Most of the time was spent listening, and watching, and writing down notes, and hoping I didn't say anything stupid. Mission accomplished!!

The flight back to Boston was delayed. While frustrating and tiring and still hoping I wouldn't say anything too stupid (boss was with me on the trip), once I got on the plane I got to stretch out and move into the vacant window seat next to me. We took off just as the sun was beginning to set. So I was allowed a good 20 minutes to stare out the window and I just so happened to have a card to write Mandy. It was beautiful.

And then we hit some turbulence. And people start freaking out when you're flying into a storm. But I actually had a really nice time.

Even if we did go down in flames, wouldn't it be so awful to die scared? Maybe it's because I don't have kids or something. And maybe it was because you have more of a chance of dying like any other possible way ever in all the world than in a plane crash.

Who knows. Who cares?

Not my business. And not under my control.

So we made it back safe and sound. (duh) Just in time to spend next weekend in NYC. With Mandy & John. We are going to eat so much good food. Like, I don't even know how I am currently sleeping (yes I do...I can sleep through anything). But you know what I mean.

Right. So it's getting late. And CYE is ending. And I'm sleepy. But not exhausted. Or even tired. It's weird. And good.

Race You to Diabetes!

2011-06-01T16:15:00.003-04:00

Dad's riding one of his motorbikes out for a visit to the East Coast this weekend. He's on the road now.

Watch out! Beep beep!

So I don't really have anything planned, though. Just like, eating, and stuff. Maybe catch the new Woody Allen. Maybe walk around a lot. It is supposed to be beautiful outside.

We will for sure eat a whole lot of ice cream. That, I can promise.

Did I mention that I'll be traveling for the new job? VA Hospitals, here I come!!

Secrets Revealed!

2011-05-23T14:45:00.006-04:00

So.

#1: I got a new job. I start 2 weeks from today. At BU. Different department. Amazing professor. You know how people say that you just "know the one"? And I have pretty much told them that they are full of shit when I've heard that? Well, I think I might have found the one professionally. He talked about how he likes circles better than squares, when referring to an organizational chart. "squares are too rigid" I SHIT YOU NOT. I wanted to squeal "OMG! I THINK ABOUT GEOMETRIC SHAPES ALL THE TIME DO YOU HAVE AN IRRATIONAL OBSESSION WITH PRIME NUMBERS TOO?!?!?!" (irrational no patterns prime numbers....GET IT?!?!) And then we talked about Seinfeld.

Say you get it or I might cut you because I am MOODY right now. Because...

#2: I quit [doing something people judge you on]. Hello Fatsville: Population ME. And wow. I am suuuuuuuuch a bitch right now. Almost punched a woman with a stroller yesterday walking down Beacon Street because she was walk-blocking me and her kid had this fucking whistle and I really really really wanted to just yell "shut up and get out of my way I need more food....FATTY NEED FOOOOOOD".

Which is why...

#3: Totally dropping my membership at lady gym and joining boxing gym. Lately lady gym has sucked balls (ha ha ha ha!) and the classes have been awful. Boxing gym makes me feel the burn and is getting my flabby arms into shape. I would claim that I was going to do push-ups after spinning at the lady gym but did I ever? Maybe once. Why? Because I am lazy and need someone to force me to work out.

Back to work (eating).

Big Breath Out

2011-05-15T11:20:00.002-04:00

So. Just wrapped up 10 credit hours of grad courses last week.

Celebrate good times. COME ON!!

And there's another little deal in the mix. That was completely unplanned and I had no idea that it would happen and I still have to be secretive because it hasn't been finalized. BUT....it has the potential to be awesome. And I really think it will be.

Secrets secrets are no fun!!

As I sit here in a modified pigeon, burning in music from my high school ceedee collection (what's up tori & ani & bjork...oh my!), working on some writing I gotta say that it feels really, truly amazing that for the first time in months I have no reading hanging over my head or a paper or a test.

Mmmm....off to boxing!

You're the Breath that Blows These Cools Winds 'Round

2011-04-27T21:16:00.003-04:00

Monday evening I was having coffee with a couple gal pals when my phone rang. A number I recognize from my alma mater, good ol' Colorado State, was on the screen so I ignored it, assuming that they are calling for alumni donations. As much as I'd like to give toward scholarship, now is just not the time. And felt a twinge of guilt as I thought this, taking another bite of expensive cake.

Someday, I say to my cafe buddies. And immediately I thought of a woman who taught the last Spanish class I've taken. She wasn't someone you would describe as physically beautiful or even striking. I distinctly remember turning my nose up a little at the mullet-style haircut she rocked. She had a very gentle way about her, though. You could tell that she was weathered like a river rock. Smoothed over by uncontrollable forces until she was fluid, comfortable, and uniquely lovely.

One morning after class she and I were discussing something, I don't remember what, exactly. She looked toward me and said "this isn't the first time you've come to class and smelled like this, you know I used to smell like that a lot". The night before included copious amounts of whiskey. Not unlike many nights during that time in my life. Her manner of noting this was not harsh or accusatory, rather concerned. I immediately got defensive and said I was fine, physically brushing it off.

And that was all she ever said about it.

Years later, I vividly remember that particular morning, despite my hazy mental condition at the time. For a couple months now I've been thinking about contacting her. Not to toot my stupid horn about finally getting my shit together but to thank her. Urge her to continue talking to students she finds might need help. Because it matters and has helped me, even if the change didn't take immediately.

Yesterday I called up the Spanish Department and explained, loosely, my situation. That I wished to send a letter to a teacher, whose name I couldn't remember, thanking her for the seemingly small but realistically immense impact she had and how much she unknowingly helped me. The woman on the other end knew exactly who I was talking about and said that Amanda, that is her name, was a help to many people. But I couldn't send her a letter because she died three years ago.

We talked for a minute or two more. The kind admin, explaining that Amanda hadn't received the lung transplant she needed and moved back to Honduras to rest. Me, profusely thanking the woman for information and understanding. But it felt like a million hours, holding back tears. Once off the phone, I sat in my office while warm release streamed down my face. But not of sadness or sorrow. I felt so grateful and blessed to have experienced Amanda's energy and be able to hold it with me still.

I would have loved to gush thank yous to Amanda. Sincerely give gratitude to someone who touched my life in a way few have or could. I have faith that she knew how much she helped people. That she was one of those special beings who, despite their enormous impact, humbly accepted their roles in life and inspired others without desiring credit or gratification.

Thank you, Amanda. Your compassion and love for others will forever live in and spread from those of us who had the good fortune to know you in the physical realm and be affected by you in the spiritual one.

Marathon Monday

2011-04-18T11:54:00.002-04:00

Happy Marathon Monday!! It's almost noon and I'm sitting still in jammies, having cleaned my bathroom and did two loads of laundry. These chores were originally intended for earlier this weekend but the universe had other, much more fun, plans for me.

So I'm sitting on my couch, enjoying the screams and shouts for the runners right outside my window. I have the good fortune of living right on the marathon path. The energy of the crowd is felt through the walls and I can't help but smile. It's nice to feel that energy again. To be able to feel anything again.

The past couple weekends I've spent out of town and it wore me out. I'm a creature of habit. I like my habits. I like doing homework on Friday or Saturday nights. It's nice. I feel grounded.

And I love days off. It's like extra time to relax. Which, a year ago, I couldn't handle. There was no relaxing. Especially not when I had to be by myself. In my own head. Last night I attempted to explain that a shift happened late last year. There's no way of pinpointing the exact date or time. But at some point, I grew fond of myself. And now need it. If I don't have enough time to take baths and lounge around I get restless and irritable. Never would I guess that this is how I'd feel.

Speaking of which....it's daytime bathtime! What a treat!!!

Truth

2011-04-05T16:41:00.004-04:00

Want to know how long I hoped someone would feel that way about me? That they would never meet another like me?

Answer: a long fucking time.

In a few long-short months I could not agree more with the crosser-outerer. And boy am I ever grateful for that.

This picture is from my friend, Courtney's, blog. She is a rad chick. One of those people you meet & are like "we are going to be good friends for a long time". Like Mandy, too. And Mandie. And Meridith. And Lisa. And a whole lot of other ladies who are such an integral part of my life. There are some boys, too. But very few.

No, I'm not coming out. I am sure I like dudes. As much as I have the best times sometimes with my girls, at the end of the day, well you know (wink wink...insert penis [joke?]).

But these relationships I have with other women are so fulfilling and delightful and they help me to be confident in myself. I can tell you this...my lady friends are fucking hot mother fuckers. And so ridiculously intelligent. And clever. And caring. They are seriously the best people I've met on the planet.

And they're patient enough with me to listen to the bashful gushing I've done over the past two days regarding a certain boy who happens to look like Dermot Mulroney pulling me in for a sweet kiss, ending with our fingers lingering toward each other as we parted on a quiet street in the East Village this past weekend.

(blush)

In the Not So Distant Future

2011-03-31T10:45:00.003-04:00

Guess who just got her 2 day pass to the Newport Folk Festival!!! Who wants to jam out to some sweet tunes that will not get your blood pressure dangerously elevated? And follow it up with some wholesome, delicious food brought by local vendors?

I am really plowing right into middle age nicely, don't you think?

Intermission for My Brain

2011-03-17T14:45:00.004-04:00

SPRING BREAK!!!! WOOOOOO!!!!!!

I'm working. It's cool. The kids don't even know how to party like we used to. They're all sissies now. And I can't teach them because I don't even party at all! How lame is that?!

Lametown: Population Me!

It's okay because I have been having these wicked vivid dreams the past few nights. Taking me to far away places. Like my old dorm room at Parmallee Hall. That place was pretty magical. Not like magical like a "lucky" room. Freshman year I was 2-gether 4-ever with my high school boyfriend, Ben, but we never saw each other because he was in Indiana and I was in Colorado and we were going to get married so I was saving myself for him. What a waste! There were some hott doodz at Colorado State at that time and I was like "no thanks I'm a taken lady!". Kidding. No waste. I really thought I was madly in love with him and that we really would be 2gether 4ever. Turns out we had pretty much nothing in common.

Funny how life works out. Most of the time you don't get to choose who sticks around and who moves away. Speaking of real life Best Friends 4ever...

Katie was in town this past weekend. It was so awesome that awesome is not even close to being able to describe any of it. It was like MAGIC woven with SPARKLES interlaced with CHARMS and topped with CHOCOLATE.

We ate our way through Boston. OINK OINK!! And visited the MFA. And she told me all about how big her kids are getting and how amazing they are. And talked until 3 a.m. And there was crying. A lot of crying. On my part. Not bad. Good. Really good. Happy tears. It was like Pringles but with tears. Once I popped I couldn't stop. It was very special. Best friends are the best.

Your assignment for tonight is to please listen to this. While watching this.

**IMPORTANT: start the song (first link) and after 10 seconds start the video (second link) on mute, obvs.

Cake for Dinner

2011-03-10T10:10:00.002-05:00

SCHMALE'S COMING!!! Tomorrow. For like 48 hours. She was able to escape her kids for 2 whole days and pay the fair hamlet of Brookline a little visit. Ice cream for everybody!!

Grace

2011-02-26T01:02:00.003-05:00

Thank you Meridith, Doba, Eben, Michael, and Scott for all that you are. My life is amazing for innumerable reasons. You account for many of them.

I love you more than I could ever sufficiently express.

i and love and you

2011-02-14T23:00:00.003-05:00

Guess who's sick. Me! Ew. Snot. Gross.

Good thing I didn't have any swinging plans for VD. Also, good for the people on the T who were sitting on each others' laps and making out that I'm feeling like my head is about to explode. Because I was all set to tell them just how disgusting it is to make out on public trans.

Guess who's made out on public trans. I blame it on the booze.

So yeah, whatever, another day without a "partner". And while I sit in sweats, smelling like a flower because I just got out of a flowery bath, waiting for my mac & cheese to finish, watching The Golden Girls, I feel a little sad to be alone or whatever.

Even sadder is that the only thing that I want from a "partner" right now is for them to bring me soup and rub my feet and listen to me whine about how I probably shouldn't have ran this evening in an attempt to sweat this shit out.

Selfish!

Which shows that I would be a really shitty "partner" right now. But that didn't stop me from striking up conversation with the cute guy next to me in the computer lab this morning.

"Hey, have you taken the SAS course yet?" "Yep 723 or 805?" "723" "Yep" "Can I put a % in the input?" "Nope."

Pretty awesome pick up line, huh? Sexy sexy biostats.

He said it was nice to meet me. Which clearly means that he is already in love with me because I do not have control over these things & my hacking & snotty nose are the biggest turn ons in all the world.

But enough sarcasm...other than feeling like doody, stuff is glorious. Life is lovely. School is awesome and my friends are amazing and I love them and they love me but not like Matt With The Nice Ass from the computer lab loves me.

Hope I never run into him again because if I do, I will be so embarrassed about what he has no idea I wrote.

Ugh...this cold is making me delusional. Bedtime.

Happy VD Interwebs! You're my favorite.

The Sweetness of Life

2011-02-10T13:01:00.002-05:00

Oh hi! I wrote this.

Now I have to go write some stupid Biostats program. Boo. This class is like Accounting all over again. Simple concept and practice made unnecessarily difficult via "language" in order to promote exclusivity.

Really, dudes, just say "and then hit Enter".

Pray for Snow

2011-02-01T21:52:00.002-05:00

So if you haven't heard, the Northeast is getting pummeled with snow. Like more than ever in all the world (see: since I moved here 3 years ago). We've had one snow day already and it was amazing. Hopefully tomorrow will bring another day for me to sit around in snow pants & a sports bra reading my homework stuff & taking is easy.

But if not, well, at least I have a nice, not-too-stressful job to go to!

Did I tell you about my job? No? That's because I don't post that shit on the interwebs.

Anyway, just got home from yoga & dinner with my gals, Mandie & Annie. It was nice. They made my heart feel warm.

Lately a lot of this "living honestly" shit has come up in my life. And not just like don't steal or whatever. That stuff is easy. More like what are my motivations for actions. And let me tell you...it's kind of uncomfortable. But you know what else? When I'm honest with myself about what I want from situations they usually turn out a whole lot better than when I just put my own stupid ego first.

Stupid ego.

Well, as usual, I've put off doing homework so Epi here I come...after a nice, relaxing bath, that is.

I'm Here I'm Here!!!!

2011-01-24T10:54:00.002-05:00

Swear. Not dead. Or fallen off the face of the earth. Started classes this week (Law, Biostats SAS Programming, & Inter Epi!!!) so I'm readjusting to a more hectic schedule.

BUT.

It's awesome. And I'm still able to squeeze in fun times such as Game Night with two of my favorite people, Meridith & Eben. Remember them? They got married in September at like the world's best wedding ever. And K&K were there, & Doba was there, & a couple other friends. Just the relaxing evening that I needed.

Sooooo....more stories soon. And pictures from NYC. (which was awesome except that it just isn't the same without Mandy)

Oatmeal...

2011-01-10T08:49:00.002-05:00

...is like a hug in your tummy.

Here's a little 30pov thing.

And a picture from Seattle.

More stuff soon. It's been crazy around these parts.

Schmeattle

2010-12-27T15:29:00.002-05:00

Hello from the West Coast. Some say it's the Best Coast. I say they are both best.

Everybody's a winner!

So yeah, hopefully I'll take pictures. Maybe. Who knows.

It's wonderful to be with Ian & Steph. Today we're going to the Picasso Exhibit at the SAM.

Yes, I have eaten myself retarded & can only construct simple sentences.

'Til Boston!

Creature Comforts

2010-12-20T22:36:00.003-05:00

No longer do I save the good bubble bath.

If I want to, I sleep in my ballet tights, my big sweater from high school, and soft socks.

And I'm not ashamed to admit that I enjoy staying in, watching the Golden Girls, and doing cross-stitch on weekend nights.

Two-thousand-ten, thank you for knocking me down so hard that I had to rediscover myself and participate in activities that make me truly happy. Without shame.

Just Don't Know What to Do With Myself

2010-12-08T21:25:00.003-05:00

No Second Date. Let's just leave it at that. With this, I am 120% fine. Nice guy. Pals.

So today I was afforded me the opportunity to come straight home after work and I took it. No, I'm not getting used to it & quite frankly, I'd be bored out of my mind if I didn't have something to do in the evenings most nights of the week.

Mad, I tell you!

Instead of flitting hither and thither and all, I watched television, cross-stitched, took a bath, did laundry, and made dinner. Pretty normal, huh? I also put on Bon Iver. And wow, this is like an instant emotion bringer to the surfacer. In a good way. But it's made me feel like being quiet. Don't want to talk. Don't want to converse, rather.

Soak it all in.

Which is what I'll be doing with the rest of the evening. Staying quiet. Letting what needs to wash over me and away, or hold on to it, if appropriate. 2010 has been one hell of a year. Sometimes literally hell.

I would have said before that I can't wait for this cycle to be done with it. But the awful and wonderful truth is that it's never done. Until you're done. That decision was made for me earlier this year. And I couldn't feel more grateful for it. And now it's time for me to show some gratitude to a stripey kitty on my lap who's been reaching up to my face with his adorable, little paw, trying to get my attention.

Mom, down here.

So there I shall go.

Paradox

2010-12-06T23:28:00.000-05:00

Same as it ever was.

The Short of the Long of It

2010-11-29T22:09:00.003-05:00

What a weekend!! It was amazing. I'll go into that later. For now, I'll just say that....

I had a date.

Yes, the first date I've had in a year. A YEAR.

And for the first time probably ever, I'm taking it easy. Not obsessing or freaking out.

We'll see how long this lasts.

Afternoon Handstand Time

2010-11-19T13:54:00.005-05:00

Yay Friday! For some unknown reason I signed up to volunteer from 8:30 to 12:30 tomorrow morning. I was like inspired or something to do whatever. So as a treat, I'm going to Flour for a sticky bun before & meet up with Kasia after & box.

Jab! Hook! Uppersomething!

Truth be told, I would probably do those things without volunteering (Flour would be some other bakery nearer to my home) but now I don't feel as completely ME ME ME! But it is all about me, right?

Speaking of me, I need some new bras. And with that...happy weekend!

Heart Hugs

2010-11-15T09:27:00.003-05:00

Lately I've gotten a lot of heart hugs. Not to be confused with cardiac arrest.

You know, when you feel all warm inside & like someone sprinkled magic happy (ha ha that sounds really Japanese) into your bloodstream.

Are you on The X again?

No.

Oh good.

Life has just been really nice. Steady. Happy. Yesterday I spent a good chunk of the day in the studio & baking cookies. And that made me so happy. To finally, again, be doing what warms me.

So you finally tried that sexitime warming stuff?

No.

It's amazing that merely three months ago I could barely drag myself out of bed to the couch, a pile of self-pity and humiliation. This upswing is a very welcome change. I feel like myself again. Thank you friends.

If Eating a Heath Bar Cookie for Breakfast is Wrong...

2010-11-09T10:59:00.002-05:00

...I don't wanna be right.

Just sayin'.

Started boxing this past weekend. Ouch. Awesome ouch. But ouch.

Also, the Lush Comforter is the most amazing bubble bath in all the world. Ever. So far.

And I wrote a little fiction.

Gaaaaaaah!!!

2010-11-03T09:35:00.004-04:00

NYC was so amazing, amazing doesn't even describe it. So much delicious food. So many beautiful new friends. I even found a dance studio a few blocks from where I usually stay that is just wonderful.

We even went to Hoboken! Ha ha ha...New Jersey.

(John, Mandy, & me standing outside the Pass Hoboken stop)

Mandy: Oh my god, I feel like I am going to get raped here.
John & me: {snicker snicker}
RandoBro: (while walking by, having not heard what Mandy had said) Heeeeeey!
{pause}
Mandy: (flatly) See what I'm talking about?

So great. Making some new friends was fantastic. And even more fantastic was spending quality time with some of the most beautiful people on the planet: Mandy, John, Lisa, Jen, & Des.

Sigh.

So yeah, other than that, been trying to kind of lay low, unsuccessfully. Didn't get home last night until after 11. Oy. And tonight will be a late one, too. But that's okay because I have dinner plans with Tim (!!!) at a delicious steak place downtown. Splurge-to-the-max.

In Pudge-Never-Going-Away news, I'm back up to 3.5 miles of running at a time with the goal to reach 10 miles/week and be able to run 5 at a time by the end of the year. My body has bounced back quite nicely from the hell I put it through in the summer. And to counteract all of that good exercise, Anna's Taqueria (right across the street from super-apt) now takes debit cards, which means that I will have no "whoops don't have cash on me can't get a quesadilla" excuse on my way home & I'm hungry.

Long live The Pudge.

Off to do some more work!

Nuevo York

2010-10-21T23:46:00.002-04:00

Guess who's visiting the big city this weekend!

Me!!!!!

48 hours of Lisa, John, Jen, Des, and..........

MANDY!

Yep. My favorite Texas-living lady's back North of the Mason-Dixon line for a mere handfuls of hours.

Shopping, eating, wandering around...this is going to be awesome.

European Men

2010-10-20T15:58:00.001-04:00

Better than The Rules?

A (Mon)Day In the Life

2010-10-11T22:22:00.002-04:00

Happy Here-Have-a-Blanket-Day!

Despite the political incorrectness of Columbus Day, I'm more than happy to celebrate with a day off. And oh, what a day it was. The kind of day I wish was everyday but don't because it'd become boring after a while.

Around 8:30 I woke up without an alarm, snuggled up with Georgie & Henry purring away & stretched for a good half hour in bed. Without rushing, I hopped off to a morning ballet class. 90 minutes of twirling, leaping, and jeteing later I found myself in a bath with a crossword.

Since I had no plans until evening, to The Coolidge it was. A nice dose of Woody Allen made me feel like a normal, relatively un-neurotic person so I went to where I can once again indulge in my neurosis....The Booksmith.

The rest of the evening I spent having pizza with Kim & meeting up with the gals for some long chats, coming home, carving a pumpkin & watching The GG.

Mmmm....so rejuvenating. Time to head to bed for some snuggle time with the furry babies & a Vonnegut I haven't yet read.

BLISS!

There's a Rosebud in My Bathtub...

2010-10-04T23:03:00.002-04:00

...and other idiotic things that came into my mind today.

What a weekend! I did next to nothing out of the ordinary & it was awesome. Cleaned the hell out of my apartment. Had lunch with friends. Went to ballet on Sunday morning. Looked at real estate.

Wait, what? Didn't you just move?

Yep. And won't be again for a while but want to get a head start on what to expect to pay in this neighborhood.

You don't make shit. How are you going to afford to buy a home? Prostitution? Prostitutes with big boobs make a lot of money so you could do quite well for yourself.

Nothing illegal or demoralizing.

Don't try it til you knock it.

So yeah, I happened to stumble on to an open house in an old Georgian I used to walk by everyday. Unfortunately, I don't have 1.1 million dollars laying around...and then some because the decorating desperately needs redone. Hunter green wallpaper in the bedroom and carpet. Boo. Carpet.

Anyway, walking home a little bummed that my Barbie Dream House was a bit of a let down (also, no working fireplace in the master bedroom), I came upon another open house. A little bit more in my price range but still not really my style. Building is from the '60s & while it was okay, I really don't need a 2 bedroom. One is enough for me right now. No roommates necessary. I will say, though, that the set up was nice in that the second "bedroom" was more of a space for a desk & small bed for guests.

Ha ha ha! You don't have guests.

True. Which is all the more reason to stick to just enough space that I need.

So realtor lady & I chatted it up a bit & turns out that she has a one bedroom across the street from where I live now in a lovely building for a lot closer to what I expect to pay (or possibly could). The lay out is fantastic. And while I'm not currently looking to move immediately, she said that units in that building with that lay out open up from time to time.

Yay!

You know what's not 'YAY'? The movie Happiness. Holy shit. This is fucked up. "Dark Comedy" is a bit of a stretch. I mean, I get how this is hilarious because it's just so weird & twisted, but um, some of the subject matter is just wrong. Lots of really really wrong.

And with that I will tuck myself in & hope to hell that I have no Happiness dreams. Eek.

5x5x2x2x3x2+1=Now

2010-10-01T17:03:00.002-04:00

That's a lot of posts!

I think I need more New Order. Also Patty Griffin & Dar Williams.

More importantly....it's 5 o'clock & time to skip on out of the South End for 62 hours.

Back to my wee cozy nook in Brookline.

What I've Kept With Me and What I've Thrown Away

2010-09-30T22:59:00.002-04:00

Tonight struck me with my first bout of melancholy in a few weeks. It's been a fast, long week. Time went by quickly but emotions have hit pretty hard. Birthdays, births, and memorial services. Maybe watching an old friend on Youtube wasn't the best idea today. Maybe reading passages written in old year books didn't do any good. Maybe I'm just a bit worn out.

Who knows.

In the past couple weeks I've experienced something that I haven't in so long that I'd forgotten what it feels like.

To be happy all alone.

Sitting in my apartment, lounging after a bath, I am completely content & fulfilled. It'd been over a year since I'd last held that. Despite feeling a bit out of sorts, I don't have any inclination to run out & get any attention I can for validation sake.

It's nice to just sit still, listen to the wind push the leaves around outside my window, & curl up with a book. Television is too noisy right now, people too complicated. But books, they provide me with enough action to keep my interest, yet enough detachment to not bring up anxiety or the desire to control the situation.

As long as I can remember, I've loved stories. Both listening to and telling them. Something magical lives in a well-told tale. You're able to put yourself into another life, increase compassion. The bad guy rarely all bad and the good guy rarely all good. Just like reality. But without the harsh reality of egos directly affecting you.

But that's just one humble opinion.

Who knows.

All I do know right now is that the crickets lend the perfect soundtrack to the evening. I'll miss them when they're gone for the season.

Two to the Fifth

2010-09-21T23:42:00.002-04:00

Gah! Every time I sat down to write, something came up. And even now, it's time for sleep so not much. The one thing I can report is that lots of changes are in the works. All good changes. And as a result, I'm currently happier than I've been in as long as I can remember.

Happy Days are Here Again!

Since my eyelids are at half mast, I'm going to snuggle up with The Forgotten Garden, Georgie, Henry, & the knowledge that today was a lovely day.

Goin' to the Chapel.....

2010-09-07T15:51:00.002-04:00

....er, wait. I mean a barn.

Yes, this weekend my friends M & E got married in Vermont! In a barn! (not a stinky barn) And it was so wonderful! And perfect! And made everyone so happy that the exclamation points flowed!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I wrote a little thing about it here.

The whole weekend was such a great treat. I even did a little bit of flirting. But in the end failed. (cue Price is Right fail music) You can read all about it in the above link.

Whoopsies!

2010-08-29T14:52:00.002-04:00

Oh hey! Yeah, I'm still here. Kinda. Or getting back to being here. Shit went down...blah blah blah. I'd like to report that the "shit" was "fun shit" but no, no fun. And let's be honest, I'm not here to depress anyone. I do that to myself quite well.

We fall down, but we get up.

And speaking of up, I made it back to the ballet studio for the first time this morning in like, um, 7 months? It felt incredible. Been off the exercise train for illness reasons (barfaroni) but ran 2 miles yesterday & then balleted today. Body's feeling much better.

Hopefully, I'll be updating with some awesome stories soon but can make no promises, as the schedule's pretty packed. All with positive things. And lots of Diet Coke. OMG. Seriously, I LOVE Diet Coke. Yummy & fizzy & caffeiney. The 7-11 across the street must think that I'm a DC junkie (truth: I am, don't judge) because I've been getting a Double Gulp once a day.

Who wants to talk to me at 3 a.m. when I have insomnia?!

Okay, so I can smell myself & that's just no good so it's shower time. I got this lovely new soap from Melt in CC & have been walking around smelling myself. Surely, this will result in one of two things......either people will think me crazy & stay away or the crazies will realize I'm one of them & flock to me. Let's hope not the latter.

Home Sweet Home

2010-07-21T11:44:00.004-04:00

Okay. So I don't have the interwebs at my new place yet (which has been strangely calming) but will as of Saturday morning. Yaaaaaaaaay!

Last weekend included a trip to the old place with mom & although I've had many good times there, realized that the place is toxic. At this point almost literally. And now, it's time for......Tales of Waffles (that's the old roommate's nickname, long story)

1. Mom & I cleaned out the fridge & upon opening the freezer saw that Waffles had put a Domino's box (with a whole pizza in it) into said freezer. Not wrapped up. Nothing. Just a nasty shriveled pizza chilling in the freezer. I'm sure she ate it.

2. I went to throw away some junk mail I'd received to find that Waffles had taken out the garbage. Yay Waffles! Only to find that she did not replace the liner & had been throwing trash and food into the trash can. Waffles fail. Good thing I didn't want to keep that. (it was a nice, stainless steel trashcan, too!)

3. The only items I'd left in the bathroom were all disposables (old mouthwash, etc) so just like the fridge, mom was going to hold the bag while I dumped out bottles & threw everything into the recycling bag. This way is so much better than doing it on your own. Got to gossip & gab with mom while undertaking a less than fun task. The weekend before I taken the bathroom trashcan to the new place. Apparently, in Waffleland, you don't need a trashcan for trash. You can just throw it into the cabinet under the sink! Used Kotex pads & all!!

So this weekend I'll be cleaning all of that crap up. But so so so so happy that it will end in me never having to go back there or deal with Waffles (except for util checks) ever again!! It makes me feel sad, too, because she really is such a sweet girl. This passive-aggressive shit is enough, though.

Aaaaaaaand I'm In

2010-07-12T10:46:00.002-04:00

All moved into the new apartment & mostly unpacked. Mainly because I have the most amazing friends in the world who were able & willing to help me out with this. For them, I am super thankful.

So a couple nights in I'm already used to no roommate (see: not wearing pants & playing music while I shower & get ready in the a.m.), sleeping better (that might be the a/c), & just feel more motivated to do stuff, anything, rather than laying around on the couch. I even folded & put away all my laundry after I did it last night & that hasn't happened in months.

Once it's a bit more put together, I'll post pictures.

Getaway?

2010-06-26T15:28:00.002-04:00

Me & my bitchy self am going to bitch for a minute. Or rather however I want because I'm at the airport for at least 2 more hours.

Okay, wait. That's where I stop.

I'm sitting in Logan, ready to head back to Chicago. Trying to catch my breath after a week of an absolutely awful person sending me emails at work (unnamed...but just please, believe me, she's awful), that law final being done, trying to grasp my green star calling herself "injured", and burying another friend from high school.

Blah blah blah. And time goes on. But this year it's seemed like there's not enough time to heal from the last blow.

So I sit at the gates in Logan, alternately reading The Black Swan & writing this. Playlist is Stacey's mix from last year. DnTel is blaring in my ears right now and I'll be honest, as much as I can't wait to see friends and family, I'm terrified to confront that which I've "grieved" over but haven't confronted on a face-to-face basis.

But anticipation gets you nowhere when it comes to these situations. And that's a waste of energy that will need be spent tonight with the crew laughing, crying, and, of course, swimming.

Heavy Heart

2010-06-19T14:26:00.004-04:00

Plain talk:

A close friend in high school was killed this week in Afghanistan. Why he was there, I don't know. We hadn't talked in years. Despite being an integral part of each others' lives 12 years ago, our paths separated. Am I sad for this? No. I certainly would have enjoyed keeping in contact but we lived very different lives.

He helped me through, as to date, the most difficult part of my life.

Any time I started to cry (which was unfortunately often, as I pretty much didn't eat for 2 years...don't judge), he'd quickly bring back happy & figure out some way in which the scene could be shifted.

When I called Mom to request that she be present for services if I'm not in Chicago she asked why he was there & other technical aspect that, at this point are moot. On that, I more or less hung up, wondering how she could say such things. These aren't issues of when/why/how. You just fucking show up. She called back 10 minutes later with an apology of how grave this incident was & began recalling that we'd spent most of our high school years hip to hip within the group.

The loss of Gunnar in this world is one less person whose glass is always half full. Problems, his or others', eluded him.

And for that I am so thankful that for 31 years he was on the earth.

Poem

2010-06-17T10:46:00.001-04:00

I wrote a poem. And will justify to anyone why I did not like Jane Austen.

Spinning Away

2010-06-11T15:36:00.003-04:00

Wow, I really use exercise to get out pent up stress. Which is why I've been in the spinning studio like 2-3x/week lately & still yogaing & running.

Other than that, it's all law class, which is more or less Greek to me.

Oh, and hanging out quite a bit with Jorge, Lisa, Nicole, & Wev. Which is ridiculously fun and ridiculously tiring. Definitely looking forward to a nice, quiet evening with Neighbor J, grilling & relaxing. Since tomorrow's a bust (class, yes, CLASS at 9 followed directly by the Pride Parade & Somerville Arts Fest), I can only assume that by 8 p.m. I will be good for nothing but a shower & the couch.

So ANYWAYS, in 3 weeks I'll be in my new place!! Yipee! Cleaned out my closets & drawers last weekend. Taking pictures of furniture & hauling stuff to the Salvation Army box on Sunday & a trip to Target for a plastic thing that I can stick under my bed to put my shoes in for the new place. Pretty much the rest of what I need to do is physically move. Oh, and take a law final, play Tipple Trivia, visit Chicago.

Wait, another trip to Chicago? Are you going to call your Bang Maid?

Yes. Another trip to Chicago. And no, I'm not going to call my Bang Maid because I really have no desire to bang.

First, you're boring. Second, everyone wants to bang. Third, you should go to like Miami or something because that's where people bang. Not Chicago.

Gross. I don't want to bang someone who smells like Banana Boat.

See! Caught you! You do want to bang!!!

Ugh. No, I'm going to Chicago to see (drum roll, please!) J-BOO!!!! And Schmale & Farthead (who's expecting...yay!) & Erin (who's also knocked up) & Karen. Clearly people bang in Chicago. Just not me.

So you're saying that you're going to Chicago to be surrounded by married people who are pregnant & have kids?

Yep.

Thistled Spring

2010-05-27T22:56:00.005-04:00

Just got home after a long, but interesting, law class. I immediately packed my bag for the gym tomorrow morning, opened a bottle of white, & downloaded the disc I bought today from the record company (still like having ceedees for the player but they have this awesome auto download thingy & it's as cheap, or maybe $2 more than, as iTunes).

Horse Feathers: Thistled Spring.

If you don't pay attention to any other writing (and I wouldn't blame you), please listen to this. It's lovely. And making me feel a little sad for the impending move. I'm so excited about so many things about the new place. And it's doubtlessly a good move. It'll greatly simplify my life and I'll be living in an area that I just adore. It's so cute and near so much more (the street is literally lined with restaurants & conveniences). But in the next breath I feel sad for leaving what has been home for the last 3 years.

This apartment holds a history in my personal life. So many strong memories will stay in these walls. Some wonderful but mostly heartbreaking and stressful. I'd made it a home from the first week I lived here. Looking back, I could certainly see who anyone else living here would feel intimidated. It's been mine all along. Could tell you where everything is, or rather was, since it's all in boxes now.

More than anything else, I'll miss the back porch. Countless nights I spent sitting out back reading, writing, listening to music, and talking to friends. It was the most comfortable place in the apartment, emotionally. The bedroom holds restlessness & I've been avoiding it again lately. Not wanting to be in your bedroom is not a good feeling. The couch has become my bed until 3 a.m. again. Falling asleep in front of the television. Maybe it's some sort of subconscious attempt to separate, but that's kind of hokey psychobabble. It just is.

It's time for a move.

Speaking of which, I've armed myself with a fresh crossword to snuggle into my actual bed with tonight.

Again, really, this disc is fantastic. (or at least for me) If you need me on Saturday night, I'll doubtlessly be out on the porch, listening to folky music, reading, and end enjoying one of my last weekends to do just that.

Brewing

2010-05-26T20:54:00.004-04:00

There are some items on the horizon that are either in full swing or infancy. Some of which I can talk about. One of which I don't want to jinx so I'm not going to say anything about. None of which have to do with dating, as I've finally figured out that I'll need to move to a different city (NYC, perhaps?) to find anything worthwhile.

Item #1: I'm moving to another neighborhood of Boston, Coolidge Corner. (at this point I'm pretty sure that since the only people who read this I know & would gladly invite into my apartment that I'm safe) It's adorable & clean & there are like a million restaurants & shops around the area. I used to walk through on my way to the Farbs in the morning & evenings & pretty much fell in love with it 3 years ago. Despite it being out of my way at this point to & from work, I still visit it frequently for a great places to eat, dry cleaners, THE GYM, & bang-cutter? And it's a one bedroom. NO PANTS PARTY ALL THE TIME! Tiny? Yes. Will I get irritated at some things? Yes. Affordable? Barely. Happening? Hell to the yeah.

Item #2: Work's been insanely busy and I've been pulled closer into the Dean's Office. This is both flattering & an awesome move from focusing my time on one prof mainly. It certainly makes me feel more like I'm an integral part of what's moving forward & I really like it. Rather than just being told what to do, I'm asked my opinion on issues & really, that's very encouraging.

Item #3: This is by far the prettiest Spring in Boston so far. (for the allergies, it's sucked hard core but I'm willing to pay the price) The weather has been great after a summer of rain & a winter of rain. Rain can suck it. Except, of course, for a thunderstorm here & there. Those are wonderful to sleep to & cool everything off.

Item #4: I'm mostly packed at this point. All of the cupboards are empty despite not leaving until July 1. Plates, cups, cooking stuff...all in boxes. At first it freaked me out since there's only one pot & one pan (cooking simple things) but really, it's summer, the grill's still here & you can eat a hot dog with a paper towel.

Item #5: Man, I love exercising. I'd taken a week off but am back yogaing, spinning & all that beautiful Seratonin that goes with it. And there's another two pluses to Item #1 here....the gym is moving to 3 blocks from my new apartment and there's a ballet studio a half of a block away that has an Intermediate/Advanced class on Sunday mornings. Hello new church.

For the first time in a while I have quite a bit to really look forward to. Yeah, I have that whole Masters thing but it's so far off (a year & a half?) that excitement waned Fall semester. And to be honest, this first Summer semester is Law & 3.25 hours of that on Thursdays after a day of work is not something to look forward to. Believe me.

Not-Really-The-Weekend-Anymore Update

2010-05-10T20:51:00.004-04:00

Ooooookay. It's the week between Finals & S1 (decided to actually take an S2 course because it's paid for by work & might be able to graduate Fall 2011), which means that I will actually make it home before 7 one night...maybe. There's a work cocktail party thing for the Endo Department on Thursday & ballet on Friday. That leaves tomorrow (gym) & Wednesday (gym & ANTM finale). And essentially means that no, I will not be home early any night this week.

And I've been asked why I stay in on weekend nights. The answer to that should be clear.

So as things cycle up & down & back & forth & all over the place, I've managed to pull off an A & a B (Socio-Behavioral & Biostats, respectively) without completely (note: completely, only some) losing it. While working full time (what was "super relaxed, not busy time job" has changed drastically since they've pulled me closer into the Dean's office & more or less taken on the role of Grant Wench for areas of the school & working with central office to realign processes). And attempting to get in some exercise (see: sanity) time during the week & weekends. And weathering the absolute most emotionally exhausting time since late high school (total shit show of stressors...which I did not handle well, but would any 15-17 year old?).

I'm fucking tired. Like really, really tired.

But not in the exhausted, can't even hold my head up to cry tired. Which is pretty good?

Despite one hell of a hangover this morning (judge if you like...there were tequila shots), I still put together 2 grants & found out about another SURPRISE! application that has been put mostly(?) together. And apparently, I've made quite the impression on the higher-ups (Dean) as I got called out during a meeting for "excellent editing & financial work for Dr. Soandso".

Me. Me. Me.

Parenthesis. Parenthesis. Parenthawhat?

Maybe that was even spelled incorrectly.

At this point I don't even know. And really don't care about spelling. (more about the golden girls marathon on television!!)

Shoot youself

What I do care about is the 6 or 7 people who read this & wanted to let you know that the$30 phone that I bought like 2 years ago is caput. Ain't not thang, but I don't have numbers. Please send. Thank you.

Running with Scissors

2010-05-10T12:51:00.001-04:00

So. Effing. Busy.

Done with finals.

Found an apartment & signed a lease. (hello Coolidge Corner!)

Mom was in this weekend.

Work's a mess.

But I still had time to write this a couple weeks ago.

That Which Does Not Match The Inflation

2010-04-28T21:55:00.002-04:00

Ugh. Finding a new place to live is like window shopping at Couture.

Oooo! I want that!! Yet the price tag is more than you're comfortable paying or could reasonably afford.

Don't get me wrong, I love my apartment. But it's time to live alone again. And while I'd love to be able to afford this place with the ability of driving to work (yes, the commute's that bad...buses can suck it...40 minutes to 2 hour travel times is unacceptable), think it's time for something else. And really, it's time.

Tonight found me in a lovely studio/alcove. It was all said & done until I found out that there was only a shower (no bath) & that I'd have to pay a "realtor's fee" (seriously?) And that commute time would be better than what I'm dealing with right now, however if you miss a train you're behind. And that it's a neighborhood plagued with the undergrads.

Barf.

The agent also pressured me too much for comfort,

The search continues.

Bikinis in Atlanta Here I Come

2010-04-21T14:54:00.004-04:00

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!! The Pudge is back (a little) since I worked out like 3 times while Doba was here. So to snap back into Bunz of Steel I've scheduled a couple training sessions & rather than tapas & wine with Desi in lieu of Thursday class (god bless random class days off), we're going to Lady Gym & sweating to probably gangsta rap or something (then will probably hit The Sunset for beer & quesadilla but whatever at least we worked out). Back to 5 days/week of exercise.

Rope it in there cowgirl. You're tangenting again.

Oh yeah. So not only because I like to feel better with that little bit of pudge gone but one of my friends has been bugging me to come down & visit Atlanta for like a year now & it's high time.

Fine. I'll sit on your boat, let you make me delicious dinners, & drink martinis. Twist my arm.

And if I'm going to be sitting around in not much clothing all day I need to be SUPERMEGAHOT again. So along with individual sessions, I've agreed to train for a half marathon with my pals Wev & Lino. Remember Wev? The pal who I do yoga in the backyard with? Yeah, now he's getting me back for kicking his ass in yoga by making me run more than I really want to. Oh well. At least my 5k times will be awesome.

Ununited

2010-04-20T17:24:00.001-04:00

Doba's at the airport. I already miss him. It's going to be a sad walk home tonight.

Tan Lines & Tennis Courts

2010-04-13T10:24:00.003-04:00

Doba's in town for a couple weeks. Monday Night Supper Club is back up & running. First 5k in two weeks. ANTM on Wednesday nights with Taylor.

Life is back to normal after 6 months of jesus-christ-really?

Finally.

(sigh of relief)

Stories

2010-04-07T10:07:00.002-04:00

Hey pals! I wrote another story for the webzine(?) thing that I write for. You can find it here & it is true.

I really hope that if/when I have kids that they're a bit more tame than I was.

Reunited, And It Feels So Good

2010-04-06T12:10:00.002-04:00

In 2 days Doba's coming to visit & stay with me for a week & a half. OMG. I'm so excited!!! Taco Bell, tennis & ice cream for everyone!!!!!

A Midterm Paper

2010-04-01T23:37:00.003-04:00

Not the best, but certainly not the worst writing I've done here. The professor liked it a lot. I got a good grade. Rereading it was definitely a mistake, as I would have changed around a few words. But what the hell, may as well get it out there, right?

Almost midnight. Time for bed.

Short & Sweet

2010-03-31T23:03:00.002-04:00

In an hour it's April. After careful consideration, this month's goal is to practice the flute twice per week.

My neighbors are going to hate me.

(no physical goals b/c I'm signed up for one 5k at the end of the month & have been running enough to do that already & no cooking goals b/c I don't think that I could fit any more cooking in at this point....last weekend Physics John & I made this...it was delicioius)

Roller Coaster.....of Love

2010-03-26T14:48:00.004-04:00

God, that song sucks big time. And is stuck in my head. GAAAAAAAAH!

It's Friday, I'm supposed to be in love or something but instead I'm just sleepy because for some reason I had the insomnias again last night. I'd been sleeping SO WELL this week, too, except for Sunday night but that was because of stupid shit. Like crazy dreams well. Like psychic crazy dreams again. I will not bore you with details.....let's just say that I dreamt something & it came true. (and not something silly or mundane like 'ooooo....i dreamt i ate ice cream & it happened!'.....that happens every night right about 10:30)

Debbie Gibson wouldn't understand.

Sunday night, however, will be filled with love. One of my great pals alerted me of a happening that is going to surely be superawesomefun. It's A MidSummer Night's Dream (FAV SHAKESPEARE!) but with disco music & a dance party that you participate in. Isn't that awesome? All of the mischief of Puck & Oberon, Titania & her fairies & the four lovebirds. Remember when I played The Fairy?

Over Hill Over Dale!

So yeah, it's Industry Night on Sunday, too, so all the fun kids are going to be out & about. Monday may or may not be one of those days you have to untag yourself on Facebook about 300 times.

More Labels

2010-03-23T22:53:00.003-04:00

One more midterm down. None to go. Until next semester. But in the meantime there are finals & papers & presentations & projections & grants & visits.

Visits? Who wants to visit you on their own free will?

Lots of people. Like Doba. And Physics John. And Stac-a-roo. And my parents.

AHA! Parents don't count as a visit. That's just an excuse for them to check up & make sure that you're actually living in a clean apartment, working & going to school.

Not true. They want to hang out in Boston & gorge themselves on seafood & learn some more history or something.

Like I said, making sure you're not a complete waste. They invested in you. You need to produce.

I'm not a freaking stock, I'll have you know.

Dance Monkey.

Speaking of dancing, I've not been in a ballet class for months now & hate it but don't because the only nights I can go the teacher SUCKS BALLZ & I can't quite tell work that I won't be there until like 1 all danced out because I was taking a dance class.

Boo.

Maybe you should quit your job.

And do what? Dance-study like the 20somethings or hope to make it big?

Exactly, you're old. I'd like to see you fall on your face again.

You're an asshole.

Just how you like them.

Remember, I'm trying not to anymore.

And trying-not-to-stuff, I've also been trying not to procrastinate on homework, which is not working so well. I finished my turn-in midterm at 5:30 today with it due at 6, which is pitiful. But it's in. And really don't care to hear how I did at this point. At this point I'm tired. And ready to watch some shit teevee. With a cup of tea that just brewed.

Maybe I'll just do a crossword instead.

(kicking my own self in the ass for that sad comment)